Im sorry, its me again. Need advice ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Im sorry, its me again. Need advice ...
3
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 7:33pm
So

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 11:59pm

I think it's probably better you tell her about it, because she needs to know that there are some secrets it's not a good idea to keep. Now might be a good time to teach her to distinguish between "swell" secrets (don't tell Grandma what we got her for her birthday!) and "tell" secrets (don't tell Mommy that you're sneaking around trying to call me, don't tell her that I called her an &*^*&^!). I'm just worried that if she keeps this one, what else will she think she has to/can keep secret from you, and this guy seems to be capable of a lot.

As far as adding to her guilt, tell her that this wasn't her fault, which it wasn't. *He* is the one coaxing her to keep "tell" secrets, and that's not something that's appropriate for a grown man to do. Explain that trying to get her to keep "tell" secrets is part of Daddy's sickness, and when he gets better she can call him whenever she likes, but he has to get better first. (I know he didn't come out and ask her to, but he manipulated her into doing it. Same difference.)

These guys love to jerk around kids- SIL's Al is a master at this- and it makes me mad. I'm no parent, but I hope this helps some.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 8:40am
Lost my first post, but ITA with Erin.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 2:47pm

Thanks so much you guys. I feel MUCH better today.


I did talk with her about it.


1st off, its so so sad - how she just wants such love & approval from him. After we went to bed last nite, we were lying there & she said out of the blue "My Daddy loves me". & i said "Of course he does, you have tons of people who love you". & then today in the car she said "Is Daddy thinking of me right now?" Poor kid.

Anyway, that opened it up for me. I basically said i had something to talk to her about & said i overheard what she said to Daddy on the phone last nite, that "wasnt right". She knew right away & said "About the secret, right Mommy?". I started to tell her about how it wasnt right to keep secrets & she said "I know, i know, you shouldnt ever keep secrets, especially from your parents". (we have had that conversation many times b4 & she knows its wrong & can be very unsafe).

I reminded her that it wasnt her fault, how her Dad felt sometimes, either angry, or lonely or sad. That he was an adult & she just needed to call him when she WANTED to, or see him when it was their visits, & that she didnt need to sneak to do anything or to try to make Daddy feel better b/c HER feelings are just as important as his or mommys. I reminded her WHY the rule was put in place that she has to now have permission to call him - or anyone - b/c "sometimes when Daddy is having a hard time, he doesnt make really good choices & sometimes those choices can hurt her feelings or scare her, so she needs to remember that Mommy is in charge when she is with Mommy & the rules need to be followed - even IF she doesnt agree with them. They are to keep her safe." She seemed to get it. For now anyway. I really reinfoced she isnt in trouble, that I am not mad at her, but that its very important that she never keep secrets from mommy, either her idea or anyone elses idea (unless its about a suprise or present or something).

& i gave in & let her plan a visit with him Sunday nite. She is just SO thrilled to be seeing him again. Its a total change in her attitude. I couldnt disspoint her. & this AM something odd happened. Lsat nite b4 she went to bed she asked if she could call him to say G'nite. Our cell #'s are 1 number away from each other. So when this AM i saw heard her message to him on MY voice mail, i thought maybe she called the wrong #, mine instead of his, so i forwarded it to him (since it was for him). He called me a minute later & i said "Did you get her message?" & he said "I forwarded that to you last nite. I didnt know if she snuck to call me & i dont want her doing that, so i sent it to you so you knew she called".

Now ... that seems WAY too normal or nice for him to care if she is sneaking behind my back. I will give him the benefit of the doubt, but i think its more likely he wanted to rub in my face (like it would bother me or something) that the message said she loved him & missed him & couldnt wait to see him tomorrow.

So, the scoop. R~

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Photobucket