I'm such a mess!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
I'm such a mess!
13
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 8:28am
As you know, he came to my office yesterday to sign the final document to finalize the divorce. My boss will be filing everything at the Courthouse today. I thought I was ready for this, I really did. But, I'm not so sure anymore. All day yesterday, all I could do was cry. And now, I just feel scooped out inside, like there's nothing there. I just feel so *empty*.

My boyfriend has been so great about the whole thing. He even let me cry for awhile last night and didn't get upset with me. He's so understanding! But that just makes me feel even worse, because I feel like I shouldn't be sad about the divorce at all. I feel like I should be excited because we're closing on our new house in a month, but even that doesn't seem to cheer me up. And I'm so afraid that all the crap STBXH put me through is going to affect my new relationship. I don't want everything bad about STBXH to ruin everything good about my relationship with my boyfriend! I'm so afraid that I'll just "expect" my boyfriend to treat me like crap because STBXH always did, and that's not being fair to him at all.

Also, I found something out yesterday when I was meeting with STBXH to sign the papers. You may remember the mysterious hole that showed up in the wall of our former bedroom not too long after I moved out. (This was probably back in November or December.) Well, STBXH admitted that he got really angry after talking to me on the phone one night and threw our cordless phone from in front of the refrigerator (where he was standing) into the bedroom wall. That's a distance of about 25 feet. And he threw it hard enough to put a good-sized hole in the plaster. Now, the cordless phone in the living room doesn't work right anymore, and that's why. So, even back then, he wasn't changing. He was never going to change. But, I still don't feel any better about the divorce, even though I know things wouldn't have improved between us.

I was talking to my Mom a little bit last night, because she's been through this twice. She's on her third husband, and I think she finally found the right one! But, I told her that I *never* thought I'd get divorced, no matter what, because I'd seen her go through two of them, and I thought I had learned from her mistakes and that I would do better. I feel like *such* a failure! Maybe it's something that's wrong with me; maybe I'm just not cut out for marriage. I just don't know what to think anymore . . .

~Emm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 2:46pm

Yeah, he did get pretty hosed, but she almost hosed me, too, by improperly wording the settlement offer.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 3:17pm
Wow, it's pretty bad when even the *bailiff* could tell Nerfy didn't have his sh!t together! How is it that, even here at the end of it all, we are *still* the responsible, adult ones?!?! You'd think they'd have grown up a little bit through all of this . . . oh well! Not our problem anymore!!! ;oD

BTW, my boss just got back from the Courthouse. The deed is done. Now, all I have to do is wait for the decree.

~Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 3:33pm

You and your man go have a nice, quiet dinner somewhere nice tonight, just be together, the two of you.

CL-Blueliner4

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