I'm venting....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
I'm venting....
9
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 4:06pm
I feel like I am losing it. Losing it. So I will just try to vent. I can't stand him. I really can't stand him. I swear he wants me to feel crazy. He laughs at me. He really laughs at me. I make an art project or try to do something and he openly laughs at me. He is so manipulative. Then I yell at him and I feel bad. He is not physcially abusive but I swear he has me so messed up in my head that I think if he came here and beat the crap out of me I still would not leave. (He currently is not living in the house). I hurt so bad. I hate him. All of my energy is wasted on fighting with him instead of doing super nice things for my daughter. He consistently oversteps my boundries. Over and over and over. I give him an inch and he takes a yard. No contact is impossible when you share a child. My family is not supportive - they actually seem to be on his side. He makes a lot of money. I feel like my power is severly limited. I want to make myself throw up. I can't deal with this anymore. And I have to deal with him for the next 18 years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 4:30pm

I don't know if you wanted people to reply or not.. but I am going to put in my 2cents. You can read if you want to.

You yell at him and then you feel bad becuase you are human and you have feelings. Abuers really are sick sick people. Who says they love you and then yell and scream at you when your crying!? It made me so much more upset when I was crying and got yelled at to grow up and stop being a baby.

Emotional/physical abuse can take much much longer to heal becuase the bruises are inside and on your heart. They are burried deep down. They aren't sores on the surface that clear up quickly.. they take a long time to heal.

No, you won't be able to have the no contact rule when you do leave him. You will have the minimal contact rule with him. Only talk about your daughter and that's it!

You will move on when the time is right. The time just isn't right for you right now okay. You will go when you feel that light bulb come on and you will just leave.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 6:06pm
With all due respect Lauren, I don't really think you know if today is the time for me to "leave" or not. I think your advice and feedback is usually really great. But to tell me "the time just isnt right for you now okay" is something you have no way of knowing. I don't even think I asked that or mentioned that in my post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 6:24pm

I'm sorry, but that is not what I meant at all. What I meant to say is that whether people tell you to leave or not.. you will not leave until you are ready. I do not want to tell you to pack up and leave because that is not going to happen and you will leave when you leave. Nobody can pressure you to leave. I'm sorry if my post came across like that in any way.

Sorry if I offended you.
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 6:34pm
As my Dr told me in a recent visit (for anxiety & panic), "emotional abuse is often much harder to detect, and often makes a woman feel as if she's going crazy" I don't know if that sums it up for you as easily as it did for me that particular day. But, if your situation is at all like mine, you probably feel crazy around him, less confident around him. Is any of that true?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 8:30pm
I can totally relate to your venting. My abuser messed with my head really bad - he was an EXPERT at it. He knew exactly what buttons to push. I recently left him but unfortunately I did speak to him over the weekend and it set me off all over again. My blood pressure has been exploding the past few years with him - I know it. Granted, i can be an impatient person and touchy at times - but he pushes me to a whole new level, where I swear my head starts to spin around. last summer he came over to my apartment and somehow set me off. he did that so often, I do not even remember what sparked this particular event. I totally flipped - and I do not enjoy when I get like that. I live in an apartment building and I am sure my neighbors think I am nuts. Underneath this 'crazy person' I have turned into, I am actually very sweet, kind and would anything for anyone! I am much smaller than him but that one day I got so angry that I believe I threw a punch at him and he grabbed me by my wrists and he didn't hit me, but he pushed me up against my bedroom door and the handle was jabbing me in the back. I had on a tennis bracelet (probably the only piece of jewelry I own worth anything) and it broke right off my wrist. he wouldn't quit restraining me, so I spit in his face. Ok so anyone reading this is probably thinking I am a mental case or nuts. Not really. That person isn't me. That is me when my abuser talks to me in a certain way or just keeps crossing the line too many times. sometimes I wonder if they just enjoy watching us lose our cool.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 10:09pm

Lauren you didn't offend me. I really do like reading your posts and yes I totally could have misinterpreted what you said. I have been crying the entire day which is really unlike me. I have just had it. I don't want to hope anymore. I don't want to hope or think things will get better. I can't be nice to him because when I am I let down my guard he just hurts me again and again and again. I feel like a wounded animal. I don't want to just have a family dinner with him anymore or do things with him and my daughter. I don't even want to just sit and have coffee with him, because I swear he makes one comment and my whole day is ruined. Thank you for listening Lauren.....again I really do always appreciate your feedback!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 11:53pm
I feel less confident period. And let me tell you there was a time when I had all the confidence in the world to do auditions, or do anything really. And I feel completely crazy when he is around and for days afterwards. I know I even sound completely wired on the phone to my friends. Then it takes me days to calm down and then I see him again (we have a child together). So I feel like I can never really get it together. I feel like we have this big break up every week. (I have to say we have not really been together in a long time - but it has been this constant back and forth). I feel like he is so clingy and will not let me have any space. I think that is what I realized today. As long as I am here he is not going to let me have the space I need.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 2:57pm

I'm really sorry, I know how you feel. I was never very confident, but when it came to what I did, I believed in myself. Daily comments from him about housework, cooking, whatever... I just got to a point where I was tense an hour before he got home, waiting to find out what wouldn't be right. I eventually believed I was doing things wrong, or my husband would be happy. Early on when we would fight, he would stop talking to me or showing me any affection for 2 weeks. He doesn't do that now, cause like you said, time away from them gets you feeling a little better. I started carrying myself differently, he doesn't like to see me more confident. I hope you can find more of the space you need, the space I got is what made me realize when and why I was feeling awful about myself, it confirmed a lot for me.

Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 10:51am
Vent away, hon. Sometimes a good vent is needed to help you decide on a course of action.
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