I'm venting....
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I'm venting....
| Mon, 10-23-2006 - 4:06pm |
I feel like I am losing it. Losing it. So I will just try to vent. I can't stand him. I really can't stand him. I swear he wants me to feel crazy. He laughs at me. He really laughs at me. I make an art project or try to do something and he openly laughs at me. He is so manipulative. Then I yell at him and I feel bad. He is not physcially abusive but I swear he has me so messed up in my head that I think if he came here and beat the crap out of me I still would not leave. (He currently is not living in the house). I hurt so bad. I hate him. All of my energy is wasted on fighting with him instead of doing super nice things for my daughter. He consistently oversteps my boundries. Over and over and over. I give him an inch and he takes a yard. No contact is impossible when you share a child. My family is not supportive - they actually seem to be on his side. He makes a lot of money. I feel like my power is severly limited. I want to make myself throw up. I can't deal with this anymore. And I have to deal with him for the next 18 years.

I don't know if you wanted people to reply or not.. but I am going to put in my 2cents. You can read if you want to.
You yell at him and then you feel bad becuase you are human and you have feelings. Abuers really are sick sick people. Who says they love you and then yell and scream at you when your crying!? It made me so much more upset when I was crying and got yelled at to grow up and stop being a baby.
Emotional/physical abuse can take much much longer to heal becuase the bruises are inside and on your heart. They are burried deep down. They aren't sores on the surface that clear up quickly.. they take a long time to heal.
No, you won't be able to have the no contact rule when you do leave him. You will have the minimal contact rule with him. Only talk about your daughter and that's it!
You will move on when the time is right. The time just isn't right for you right now okay. You will go when you feel that light bulb come on and you will just leave.
Lauren
I'm sorry, but that is not what I meant at all. What I meant to say is that whether people tell you to leave or not.. you will not leave until you are ready. I do not want to tell you to pack up and leave because that is not going to happen and you will leave when you leave. Nobody can pressure you to leave. I'm sorry if my post came across like that in any way.
Sorry if I offended you.
Lauren
Lauren you didn't offend me. I really do like reading your posts and yes I totally could have misinterpreted what you said. I have been crying the entire day which is really unlike me. I have just had it. I don't want to hope anymore. I don't want to hope or think things will get better. I can't be nice to him because when I am I let down my guard he just hurts me again and again and again. I feel like a wounded animal. I don't want to just have a family dinner with him anymore or do things with him and my daughter. I don't even want to just sit and have coffee with him, because I swear he makes one comment and my whole day is ruined. Thank you for listening Lauren.....again I really do always appreciate your feedback!
I'm really sorry, I know how you feel. I was never very confident, but when it came to what I did, I believed in myself. Daily comments from him about housework, cooking, whatever... I just got to a point where I was tense an hour before he got home, waiting to find out what wouldn't be right. I eventually believed I was doing things wrong, or my husband would be happy. Early on when we would fight, he would stop talking to me or showing me any affection for 2 weeks. He doesn't do that now, cause like you said, time away from them gets you feeling a little better. I started carrying myself differently, he doesn't like to see me more confident. I hope you can find more of the space you need, the space I got is what made me realize when and why I was feeling awful about myself, it confirmed a lot for me.
Take care!