I'm a worried SIL venting
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| Sat, 06-05-2004 - 11:55pm |
I've known my DH for the past eight years, and known his family also. A bit over five years ago, SIL found herself pregnant by a guy she had just started dating, "Al." Abortion wasn't consistent with SIL's beliefs, so she decided to go through with the pregnancy and raise the child, our now almost-six-year-old DN. The problem is, this also meant that she and we got stuck with Al. He seemed like he was starting off good-he didn't want to marry her, but nobody thought that was all that strange considering they'd been dating all of a month when DN was conceived. But he did stick around, or so we thought. The party started when DN was born. SIL had had a bit of a rough labor, and as a result was forbidden by her doctor to drive for six weeks. Al's response was to spend EVERY NIGHT out partying with his friends, leaving her at home and unable to get out with a new baby that she really didn't know how to care for. I helped her out the best I could (I was a punk chick at the time, and let me tell you, there's nothing funnier than a new mom and this girl with green hair, a Nirvana t-shirt and Doc Marten boots trying to figure out how the he!! the diaper goes on) but it wasn't the same. Al only degenerated from there. He tries to tell her she's fat (5'5, 120 lb. post-kid no less..yeah, real porker there, bud), conned her into quitting her job so she wouldn't have any $$ of her own, etc. etc. etc. I won't recite the depressing details, I'll just leave it to say that Al is such a classical emotional abuser you'd think he'd read the textbook or something. He's done his level best to start in on the rest of the family, too-at our wedding he insulted the best man and two of my BMs and tried to make SIL and DN late so that the wedding would be late, since they were my third BM and FG respectively. He failed miserably, and was forced to behave at the ceremony and reception since DH lost it and finally told him he'd get his butt kicked if he didn't. (DH threatening to beat up ANYONE is sort of like Mr. Rogers threatening to knock over a bank, so even Al had to sit up and take notice at the rarity of this event.) Al cannot stand me because I am the one member of the family who won't take his crap or let him hide behind "But I was only kidding!" as an excuse.
What finally motivated me to post was the latest. SIL had been planning to leave him as soon as she got together enough money. Now she is backpedaling again, and I don't know what to do. I know that it takes a number of tries before one finally gets up the courage to leave (boy, been there done THAT :P) but I find that it's almost harder to watch someone else do it than it was for me to go through my own experience. He doesn't get physical with her-as sick as it sounds, sometimes at my most frustrated I almost wish he'd just give her a little shove or something so we'd have grounds to call the cops on him. But I don't even know if that would light a fire under her. In my case, it was sooo obvious that I needed to get out that there wasn't much waffling to it, so it's really frustrating and hard to know what to do in this situation. I'd love to hear from others who are in our same boat.
