impact of leaving..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
impact of leaving..
4
Wed, 08-10-2011 - 3:19pm

my leaving has its pros and cons. Of course, I no longer have to jump to his every request or risk the rages. Cons - I feel like I waited too long and this has affected my self confidence, inability to fight the fires, inability to deal with all controlling ways, and it is easy to want to give up. I have a demanding job, dd has a demanding school..in some ways the so call 'comfort' zone seemed better. Rages once a month maybe was easier than this every day issue - financial, dd's rage..I know things get worse before it gets better..can't help but think of sweets35 prediction..-stay put as your problems will be replaced by other problems..and it will take 2-3 years for things to get to normal..-sorry, not to undermine the people who say abuse is abuse and leave, but maybe in my case, at least based on my inability to be strong to get through it, maybe..just maybe it would have been easier..to just lie low for 3 more years..i feel i am doomed either way.......sorry for been a defeatist.

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Registered: 01-04-2000
Wed, 08-10-2011 - 3:58pm

My counseling advice would sound something like this:

Take a deep breath.

When things start feeling overwhelming make a list...list everything you are thinking about that you have to take care of...then put a number (1 being most important must take care of ASAP) next to each item on that list...this helps you figure out what needs to be done and when...with all that rolling around in your head it is hard to determine which needs dealt with first. Having it down on paper it is much easier to decipher priorities.

Sometimes I even take a moment to discuss on paper what exactly needs done with each item...an example would be if I put down clean the bathroom I will start listing exactly what needs done in the bathroom.

As you accomplish each task you can cross it off the list and oddly enough you do feel a sense of accomplishment.

On the things of your list that you have no clue how to take care of it write a name and phone number of someone you know you can call (other than husband) to ask for assistance....fixing the car might be something you cannot do but you have someone who you trust who can fix it for you...you might even be able to trade off labor for labor...they fix your car and you can clean their house or some other thing you can do...

Then my new thing which seems odd but really is great....get some rocks that are largish..you need to be able to lift them...place them as a decoration outside your house/apartment/condo/townhouse .... then with water based markers write on these rocks some of your frustrations...you can do this any time day or night...as the yard is watered or as it rains these frustrations will actually wash away...by writing things down you are removing a large part of whatever from your mind and many of the things we hold onto are not worth the energy it takes to lug it around...if you write it down on the rock you take it out of you and then it washes away...this does not mean you wont pick it up again but at least you gave yourself a small break even for a brief momen...then you can become creative with your words and worries...you can write down the frustration or worry then decorate the rest of the rock all around it...the trick though is it MUST be water based markers.... this might be something your daughter might do too...if she sees you "decorating" rocks you can offer her an oportunity to decorate rocks too...as a small break from the stresses of school and social life...

cut your self a lot of slack...things are not going to be perfect right away...just like when you first picked up a pencil to learn to write...it did not go as smoothly or perfectly as you imagined it would...you had to concentrate and focus and lots and lots of practice...starting a new life is no different really.

Then I would tell you to STOP focusing on what would have or could have been if only....doesnt matter and is nto going to change anything nor fix anything...the past is the past the choices you made are the choices you made...all you are doing is wasting valuable time and energy that could be used in figuring out what WILL be from now on...looking back you are going to crash into something...try to look forward and see where you are going so you wont trip or stumble or fall...

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Wed, 08-10-2011 - 5:59pm

thanks - great ideas...I feel though I am falling into depression mode again..I wish I had more friends and family around..I think that would have helped.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 1:53pm
The average number of times a woman goes back to her abuser is 7. So, don't feel guilty about these thoughts. But just... give it some more time. Take a deep breathe and focus your energy somewhere else completely. Don't let the separation/divorce and demands of the world control you... choose if, when and how much to let in. Sometimes shutting down and just living in your own little world for a while is ok... by that I mean - just be introverted and go with the flow for a while and just see what happens as far as your work and dd's school is concerned. I'm crossing my fingers for you. And, yes, things do settle down and you will feel 1000 times better after, but it does only get worse and worse for a little while.
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Fri, 08-12-2011 - 3:07pm

thanks for your support..yes..I wish I had a crystal ball..there is no question that I should be leaving..but it is a question of whether I should have stayed put somehow for 3 years..hard to say if he would have gotten worse or stayed the same, or if DD's life could have been better or worse. I know I am probably better off leaving. but there are plenty of women who wait until kids are in college and then they are out of the house as quick as can be...Right now, dealing with dd's crying every day..going to take her for therapy next week..the problem is she is so competitive at school (Kat..she is in top 3% of her 400+ freshman class..so if I suggest relax and go to community college..she will bark at me...) that has been her dream to get to a top school..and I hope she can stay focussed and not blame me for 'ruining ' her life..again..no crystal ball..to tell me if after 3 years, she would have become insane with him in the house or if better now..either way..divorce is hard on kids and teens and divorce with abusive man is harder..it is a no win situation ...