Improvement? Or still Denial?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Improvement? Or still Denial?
12
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 2:55pm
****SORRY, THIS IS LONGER THAN I INTENDED. IT FEELS SO GOOD TO VENT, THOUGH****

Strange things are afoot. Remember when I pointed out to my bf that he was, in fact abusive? And I thought perhaps that probably was an error? He has since promised not to be physically abusive ONLY in exchange for me promising not to ever try to walk out on him again. I explained to him that it is his mental and verbal abuse that inspire me to leave in the first place. He has been insisting that it is unfair of me to ask him to change 100%. Bah. If I hadn't been reading that book (Why Does He Do That?), then I probably would have considered that to be a convincing argument, but the book has taught me that a) he needs to commit to dropping and be accountable for ALL his abusive behavior in order for it to be considered a valid and genuine step towards improvement and b) he cannot use change as a "bargaining chip." Am I allowed to quote books on this board? This part of the book kept ringing in my ears as he was saying these things: "An abuser often tries to use the promise of change to cut deals, since he believes that his partner's behaviors are just as wrong as his...to him, these seem like fair deals, but in reality they require a woman to sacrifice her rights and freedom in return for not being abused-a coercive bargain that is in itself abusive." With this stuff in mind, as difficult as it is, I have been able to continue telling him that I will leave whenever I can no longer bear with his offsensive and/or disrespectful behavior.

Skip ahead to the night I left... Things were going well, and we started to talk about something silly. I don't even know if the topic is relevant, but at any rate, he became convinced (to my disbelief and surprise) that I was trying to make him feel guilty and tell him that he was a lousy person, when that was not my objective at all. I am still surprise to how he came to that conclusion, especially since I thought we were bonding and connecting. He insisted that I apologize, which normally I just do to shut him up, but this time, I just didn't want to. I felt that it was an obvious misunderstanding, and that if I explained it to him, he would understand. So, instead, I told him that I loved and adored him, that I respect and admire him, and that no offense was intended. He still insisted that I apologize, and refused to talk to me until I did. I knew it would just escalate, and I didn't want to compromise my beliefs, so I told him that I would rather just leave for the night than deal with him ignoring me. He said fine, and I knew he felt I wouldn't do it. And I wasn't going to. He was right. I waited for an additional half hour until I convinced myself that I was right...it would just get worse, so I said good bye and walked out while he was naked in the bathroom, so I knew he couldn't chase me out. I have left before and pulled over nearby, so I could be the good girlfriend and return as soon as he called and started screaming. This time, shaking like a leaf, with images of him getting in his truck and racing to catch up with me and running me over, I drove ALL THE WAY HOME. (It is about an hour drive).

Woooee....if I ever could have been unconvinced that he was abusive, I would be entirely convinced now. He didn't even know that I had left right away, but when he found out, it was World War III. His tactics ranged from "I'm coming down there to KILL YOU!" to "I'm gonna kill myself." Over and over from screaming to crying and back again for about 13 straight hours. I heard "You are a fat fat f*ckin' whore which is why we don't have sex anymore!" (btw, we do it at LEAST once a day, which he is constantly complaining is not enough) to "how could you do this to me when my mother used to abandon me." He begged and pleaded and screamed and threatened and did eventually drive down there. He went home again because he didn't want to face my cousin, whom I live with. He came down again the next day, and showed some of his true colors in a semi-honest conversation with me. When I was telling him about my feelings of being disrespected and abused, I caught him off guard at one point and he responded with: "I feel like someone who had their wallet stolen, and then the thief went to the cops and told them that I was the one who stole the wallet." He felt and feels like HE is the one who is wronged, who is the victim, etc. Wowsers. He talked about how he knows it is wrong to call me names and whatnot but how he "can't help it." Yikes. It was all so overwhelming, and I was so tired of resisting three hours into it, let alone 24. So, I came back to his house, and we have since had an amazing weekend. We went to a wedding, and he was talking about how our wedding/marriage would be, and I was sad to know that my hopes for a happy marriage with him are pretty much gone. I don't know why I stay, then. I am prepared for the sad fact that this might be one eye in one hurricane, or just a lull in a storm. He has been so lovely and sweet for the past couple days. He really did look vulnerable. It is so hard to put myself first!! My goodness! I feel like I have been trained all my life to do just the opposite. So, things are good now, but I don't know... maybe you guys will think I'm stupid for coming back at all???? He seems to understand that I will leave again if he becomes disrespectful, but I can't help but be fearful that he is molding me again to let his discrepancies slide...which will gradually morph into me accepting his increasingly abusive behavior. I feel like there is a chance that he might not ulimately reject someday the option of enrolling in an abuser program. I also wonder if he might not be mentally ill in some ways. It's hard to tell. His whole family is soooo weird. So, I remain confused, but stronger (I think!) and grateful that I have this board to post on. I must say, I wouldn't have felt the strength at all for that mini-separation if it wasn't for the support from this board.

Thank you so much for listening.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 3:25pm

If you are going to be honest to yourself, why would you even want to stay with him?

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 3:35pm
Sigh. I just can't warm up to the idea of leaving yet. I don't know why. It just seems to go against everything I've always believed about unconditional love and whatnot. I seem to also be constantly minimizing the negative effects that he has on me.

Thank you so much for listening and advising...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 3:43pm

Teo, Tracy's right on, but here's something I want you to do:


I want you to print out the post you wrote, and I want you to take a highlighter to every mean, evil, nasty or abusive thing he said or threatened to do to himself or to you.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 3:54pm
Yep. Sigh. No wonder abused women often feel so crazy when their logic so painfully conflicts with the sh*t that keeps pouring out of the abuser's mouth. It hurts so much to admit that he DOES want to stay with me, but only as long as I am his possession, etc. It is so hard to not feel responsible for a failing relationship, no matter what the surroundings. I am fighting myself inside right now while he is probably relaxed and content, knowing I am at his house, in his room right now, waiting for him to come home. I saw my mini-departure as a baby step, in hopes that there can be baby steps. The giant steps are so frightening! I think I'll go home now. Nothing hostile towards him to alert him. I'll leave him a friendly note to join me when he gets home. It's just good to be there instead of here, in the lion's lair.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 4:47pm
The first thing you have to realize, to make you want to leave for good, is that your leaving the relationship is not a failure on your part. The failure is your BF. I have been fighting for my marriage for almost five years but the thought of leaving for good was frightening. I didn't want to 'give up' on himm or my marriage. I grew up thinking that marriage was extremely serious and not something to take lightly. I felt as a partner I should help him to see that he needs help, a lot of help! I thought that giving up on a person because they are 'troubled' was one of the worst things anyone could do, especially if that person is your spouse.

But then everything clicked. I realized that his problem was more than I and probably anyone else can fix. It is so deep within him that I think it is ingrained. There was nothing I could do and if I stayed I would be just a body moving around with a crushed soul and no happiness. No freedom to do what I wanted.

I haven't left the house yet (waiting for a lawyers appointment) but I cannot stand the sight of him or his nasty comments. The day I leave will be the second most happiest day of my life. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 6:45pm
Thanks for your words, Barnacle. I really relate to that. You sound like an intelligent, caring person and you do deserve better treatment than that. I'm glad you were able to realize that. :) Good luck with your struggles! I'd like to hear your updates.

Thanks again...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 10:12pm
Hey teodorra,

I know what you mean when you say you feel responsible for the relationship--me too. For me, there's a lot of my self-image tied up in my relationship and that it be a good one. And when it wasn't (except that no one knew that except for me), I still didn't want to deal with it, b/c I didn't WANT THE TRUTH TO BE REALITY. I wanted my marriage to really be the way it looked like on the outside.

I think you should do what blue or someone suggested and print your post. If you read that from someone else, you'd be appalled at how that obviously intelligent, thoughtful woman was being treated. I am. You are responsible for your relationships, but only when the person isn't abusive. I'm so glad you have your own place. Get deadbolts immediately.

Take good care,

CC

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 11:59pm
I just had to pipe in here with something my dad said this weekend when I told him about my situation. It made a lot of sense.

Regarding the concept of "unconditional love." It doesn't really exist. The closest thing to it is what you get from a dog, and even they expect to be fed and cared for. In human relationships, in almost all cases, love has conditions. He shouldn't expect you to love him and stay with him no matter what he does to you. And you should not feel guilty if his poor treatment of you makes you love him less or want to get away.

A thought, though I can certainly relate to being so torn over which way to go.

MG

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 5:12pm
Thank you for all your input and advice! It means so much, really.

He had another "lapse" last night and became violent with stuff around me. I got hurt indirectly. He ripped the sheets off me so hard that my skin by my elbow actually came off!! Can you believe it?

Anyway, something weird happened. I ran out of birth control, (I know I need to get more... if anyone knows any free resources, I would be grateful), and so we have been using condoms. We did the "make-up" sex late last night, so he would finally go to sleep and let me sleep... and he pleaded for me to let him have unprotected sex with him. He said several times that he wants to get me pregnant! I firmly said no, and he just kept poking at me (sorry sounds gross) and saying "please...why not??" Ugh. I was so freaked. I didn't let him, and he said he was kidding, but there was this weird look in his eyes... Is it typical for an abusive man to try to get his gf pregnant? In an attempt to keep them around or something? I am worried that he really wants to. It doesn't really make sense... it is just a feeling.

I told my cousin and sister a few weeks ago that if that ever happened to not let me argue and to immediately ship me across country to be with my mother. I don't want him to even know.

Thoughts?

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 6:16pm

I'm sure that's his thought pattern or is in there somewhere.

CL-Blueliner4

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