Improvement? Or still Denial?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Improvement? Or still Denial?
12
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 2:55pm
****SORRY, THIS IS LONGER THAN I INTENDED. IT FEELS SO GOOD TO VENT, THOUGH****

Strange things are afoot. Remember when I pointed out to my bf that he was, in fact abusive? And I thought perhaps that probably was an error? He has since promised not to be physically abusive ONLY in exchange for me promising not to ever try to walk out on him again. I explained to him that it is his mental and verbal abuse that inspire me to leave in the first place. He has been insisting that it is unfair of me to ask him to change 100%. Bah. If I hadn't been reading that book (Why Does He Do That?), then I probably would have considered that to be a convincing argument, but the book has taught me that a) he needs to commit to dropping and be accountable for ALL his abusive behavior in order for it to be considered a valid and genuine step towards improvement and b) he cannot use change as a "bargaining chip." Am I allowed to quote books on this board? This part of the book kept ringing in my ears as he was saying these things: "An abuser often tries to use the promise of change to cut deals, since he believes that his partner's behaviors are just as wrong as his...to him, these seem like fair deals, but in reality they require a woman to sacrifice her rights and freedom in return for not being abused-a coercive bargain that is in itself abusive." With this stuff in mind, as difficult as it is, I have been able to continue telling him that I will leave whenever I can no longer bear with his offsensive and/or disrespectful behavior.

Skip ahead to the night I left... Things were going well, and we started to talk about something silly. I don't even know if the topic is relevant, but at any rate, he became convinced (to my disbelief and surprise) that I was trying to make him feel guilty and tell him that he was a lousy person, when that was not my objective at all. I am still surprise to how he came to that conclusion, especially since I thought we were bonding and connecting. He insisted that I apologize, which normally I just do to shut him up, but this time, I just didn't want to. I felt that it was an obvious misunderstanding, and that if I explained it to him, he would understand. So, instead, I told him that I loved and adored him, that I respect and admire him, and that no offense was intended. He still insisted that I apologize, and refused to talk to me until I did. I knew it would just escalate, and I didn't want to compromise my beliefs, so I told him that I would rather just leave for the night than deal with him ignoring me. He said fine, and I knew he felt I wouldn't do it. And I wasn't going to. He was right. I waited for an additional half hour until I convinced myself that I was right...it would just get worse, so I said good bye and walked out while he was naked in the bathroom, so I knew he couldn't chase me out. I have left before and pulled over nearby, so I could be the good girlfriend and return as soon as he called and started screaming. This time, shaking like a leaf, with images of him getting in his truck and racing to catch up with me and running me over, I drove ALL THE WAY HOME. (It is about an hour drive).

Woooee....if I ever could have been unconvinced that he was abusive, I would be entirely convinced now. He didn't even know that I had left right away, but when he found out, it was World War III. His tactics ranged from "I'm coming down there to KILL YOU!" to "I'm gonna kill myself." Over and over from screaming to crying and back again for about 13 straight hours. I heard "You are a fat fat f*ckin' whore which is why we don't have sex anymore!" (btw, we do it at LEAST once a day, which he is constantly complaining is not enough) to "how could you do this to me when my mother used to abandon me." He begged and pleaded and screamed and threatened and did eventually drive down there. He went home again because he didn't want to face my cousin, whom I live with. He came down again the next day, and showed some of his true colors in a semi-honest conversation with me. When I was telling him about my feelings of being disrespected and abused, I caught him off guard at one point and he responded with: "I feel like someone who had their wallet stolen, and then the thief went to the cops and told them that I was the one who stole the wallet." He felt and feels like HE is the one who is wronged, who is the victim, etc. Wowsers. He talked about how he knows it is wrong to call me names and whatnot but how he "can't help it." Yikes. It was all so overwhelming, and I was so tired of resisting three hours into it, let alone 24. So, I came back to his house, and we have since had an amazing weekend. We went to a wedding, and he was talking about how our wedding/marriage would be, and I was sad to know that my hopes for a happy marriage with him are pretty much gone. I don't know why I stay, then. I am prepared for the sad fact that this might be one eye in one hurricane, or just a lull in a storm. He has been so lovely and sweet for the past couple days. He really did look vulnerable. It is so hard to put myself first!! My goodness! I feel like I have been trained all my life to do just the opposite. So, things are good now, but I don't know... maybe you guys will think I'm stupid for coming back at all???? He seems to understand that I will leave again if he becomes disrespectful, but I can't help but be fearful that he is molding me again to let his discrepancies slide...which will gradually morph into me accepting his increasingly abusive behavior. I feel like there is a chance that he might not ulimately reject someday the option of enrolling in an abuser program. I also wonder if he might not be mentally ill in some ways. It's hard to tell. His whole family is soooo weird. So, I remain confused, but stronger (I think!) and grateful that I have this board to post on. I must say, I wouldn't have felt the strength at all for that mini-separation if it wasn't for the support from this board.

Thank you so much for listening.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 5:48pm
So many of you inspire me. I know I'm not the only one.

My H would tell me to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness!!!

I did it once because I was scare. He's asked me but I never

did it again. He thought I would but I walked away. We need to

stand up for ourselves and really take care of ourselves. We

don't deserve this CRAP!!! We have so much power and control.

~crybabymom

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 7:01am
teo - blue

Teo - your h isn't' boardering on sexual abuse - it IS sexual abuse. Anytime you have sex to keep the peace, make up sex, anytime that you gut is doing flip flops and you are wondering "what am I doing?" it is abuse - whether it be during sex or during and arguement. He is controlling you by demanding sex - to make himself feel in control.

just my humble opinion -

ples

Pages