Introduction & my story

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Introduction & my story
6
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 5:34pm

Hi, everyone-

I've been lurking since last week. You seem to have many supportive and wonderful people on this board, so I thought I should introduce myself and tell my story, since I'm going to need support & advice for the people who have been through it in the upcoming months.

OK- here goes (but it will be long):

I've been in a relationship for over 19 years now (14 years married). In retrospect, there were many scary things in the early years (very intense), but, of course, I thought "well- he REALLY loves me. He NEEDS me. Only I can give him what he needs." It wasn't really until I had my first child (9 years ago) that I became aware that my relationship wasn't normal. That's when I completely gave up ME, and I don't blame that on my son. I remember I really had to pigeonhole my DH into having a child- when we were planning our life together, it had always included children, but here we were, 10 years down the line, and it was never "the right time". Finally, I got my way, and I remember thinking "gee- I wish he was a little more excited about it", but no, he really never mentioned it. Then, when I brought my son home, I realized that this was not going to change DH's life AT ALL, because it was all on me. I would go back to work full time since I carry the insurance, but I would also do all the cleaning, all the cooking, the shopping, Dr. appts, schoolwork, changing diapers- ALL OF IT! OK, I figured, well I really wanted this, so I have to make it work. Other people do it all, so can I.

But then I started noticing that with everything I did, he still wasn't happy. "why are we having THAT for dinner?" "That litter box is nasty- are u ever going to clean it?" "He really needs to go to the dentist with all that JUNK the babysitter gives him, otherwise all of his teeth are going to fall out!" And when we would fight (I won't bother saying argue) WATCH OUT! It was ALWAYS a knock-down drag out. I think I remember him hitting me once, but I also think I hit him first, but there were shoves, and there were always holes punched in walls or doors, and objects broken (not by me). And there was always screaming, yelling, cursing, and insults. I participated in that for a few years, until I decided "when you love someone, you don't curse at them, or call them names." And I stopped. Period. But he never did- I was always a "f-in'B" or an "idiot", "stupid", etc.
But my motto was "He doesn't hit me, he doesn't cheat on me, and he works." What more do I deserve, right?

Caught him downloading internet porn a few times, but it was always my problem, not his- I'm too insecure. ALL MEN DO IT- DEAL WITH IT! So I dealt with it, but I could never get over it. When I was approaching 35, I told him "if we ever want to have another child (I wanted one), we need to do it now, because I don't want to have a baby after 35- the risks are too great." He gave me the ok, and we had another child. That's when the S__T really hit the fan. The pregnancy was difficult, and then raising 2 boys 7 years apart (while still doing EVERYTHING) turned me into an old, depressed, fat, bitter woman real quick. But he was too busy with his video games, porn, fantasy football (u pick one) to notice. My pleas for help were acknowledged for a week or so, then dropped.

It's important to note that we moved away from my family and his back in 1990 (1000 miles away), and that has taken a huge toll on me as well. My family (unlike his) is very supportive and helpful, but too far away to make much of a difference. I had always hoped we would move back home, and had talked with DH about how I felt, but he didn't want to "start all over again", so it was not allowed, and here we stay. We can never go out on a "date night", never go on trips with friends, never go away for a romantic weekend, never go on a vacation "just the two of us". The kids are always there, so they always hear all of the horrific details of the fights, and I've been basically isolated from my friends, so there's no where to go with them when things get bad. How I've wished over the years that I could just run to Mom's house with the kids when a fight gets bad, leave them with her and then be able to just run into the bedroom by myself, shut the door, and just cry the day away if I want to, knowing that my kids are being loved and safe. But that's what's so bad- when the explosion comes, not only do I have noplace to go, but life has to go on- there are two children that need to be fed, played with, dressed, etc. I can't shove the kids in a room for 5 hours so he can go off on his tangent. DOESN'T HE SEE THAT?! But anyway, in the 16 years since we moved away, if I said we've been back to visit 8 times, that's probably pushing it, and half of them were before the kids.

When the baby was a year old, I took him and my older DS back home for a week to visit their grandparents. I remember being soooo happy that DH wasn't going (he had no vacation time left), because traveling with him was always so stressful (because he couldn't CONTROL everything). So I was happy that I could be myself around the people I loved, have a stress-free time, and also- we had never been apart, EVER, so I thought, maybe he'll see that life is so much better with me and the kids around, he'll really miss us, absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that...NOT!!!!!He was PORNIN' it all week long! Ya know how you just get that feeling...Well, there were all kinds of projects around the house that he was gonna get to without the kids being underfoot every minute- nothing was done. And I mean nothing! I was lucky if he took 10 mins to vaccuum around the crap that was there when I left. I really couldn't believe it. Had I been in the position where I had a WHOLE WEEK with no DH or kids, even if I had laid around all week and done nothing (which I don't think would happen anyway), you can bet that I would've worked my a__ off that last day so the house would be spotless when they came home! So when I got a chance, I snuck onto the computer (that my Dad got ME as a Xmas present), and sure enough, buried in the history, it was ALL THERE. Every moment that he was not at work, he was downloading porn, watching porn, PORN, PORN, PORN, all week long. I couldn't even believe how much it hurt me. I think that's when I really started to realize that he didn't care about us, only himself. There were thousands of downloaded porn movies, and truly disgusting things- use your imagination. I took a stand, get rid of all of it, or I'm not sleeping with you again. Then I took the kids to a carnival for the whole day with $3, feeling all alone in the word. When I came home he made me watch as he threw all the movies into a garbage bag (gee- does he think I'm stupid, probably threw them in the back of his car), even though he had told me before I left for the carnival that I was a stupid B****, he'd never get rid of it, he was leaving me.

After all these years, I've prayed that he would leave me. I used to think the worst thing in the world that could possibly happen was that he would cheat on me- these last few years, I've prayed that he would cheat on me, so I would have the excuse I think I need to leave him. I'm ashamed to admit I even fantasize sometimes, when the weather is bad, and he's late getting home..well..you know- then I could be the poor widow, and he could be the saint, and life could go on, without me having to actually bring about the changes that need to occur in my life. But that's not going to happen, nor do I want it to.

Money- he's always controlled it. He's got very expensive tastes- nothing but the best will do for him- fancy cigars, Grey Goose, HD TV, TIVO, Surround Sound, Cadillac. We both work full-time, but I make more $$ than him. I get an allowance, and I shop at the thrift store for clothes for myself and the kids. When he wants something, he gets it. When I want something, I minimize it until I decide I don't need it, and that's that.

Sex- I don't think I've ever been horny, because I don't get a chance to be. I had always decided to just give it to him when he wants it, or else he will look for it elsewhere. Once I had my second child and with the porn incident(s), I'm so tired, & so lacking in self-esteem, it's all I can do to get by with just giving it to him three times a week, and on my "off" nights, I lay awake thinking "what if he wants it again tonight?" "Oh, no- he's hugging me- that means he wants some" "Uh, oh- he's gonna be up in a minute, I better turn off the light and pretend I'm asleep." Or, if he wants some and I'm pretending to be asleep, he'll lay there and sigh loudly, and toss and turn, trying to wake me up, then, finally, smack the covers, mumble "f-in b***!", and then turn over. If he's downstairs watching TV, and it's late, I'll give him a kiss and say goodnight, he'll always look in my eyes, look hurt and say "ohhh- I see". Or maybe "I'll be up in a minute" which means "wait for me- I want some." Ugghhh- I hate, I hate it. I hate what I've become sometimes.

But already, I've gone on too long. I will write tomorrow about my turning point, which is why I need support. I've finally come to a place in my life where I've accepted that things won't work out for us- I don't even want to try anymore. I'm done- I'm almost all used up, but my kids are still young and they need me so much- they've been hurt for too long. I'm so scared but yet so hopeful about what life can be like when lived on my terms. I just don't want to be subject to him anymore.

Thank you, thank you, thank you if you've stayed with me this long. I need your support in the months ahead. Thanks again!

Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 6:25pm

Hi Beth - Welcome to this wonderufl board :o)

You really have came to the right place. There is so many wonderful women here that will offer you advice, information and always a shoulder to cry on.

I do see many many classic abusers traits in your post... but the good thing is that I believe that you TOTALLY understand what you have been thru. Of what you said, I think the light bulb finally turned on and you realize that it will not get better and you need to leave for your sake as well as your children.

Your abuser just sounds so classic to everything that I have read. Makes me mad actually of some of the things he has done or not done. I know what you mean about you going on a vacation without him and why it's stressful when he comes along. They always have to be in control about everything!! He can watch as much porn as he wants, but he just doesn't care about your feelings at all. He sounds very very selfish to me - which actually abusers are all selfish! They don't take any responsibility for their actions and they always blame other people or things like say their job or their car or the weather ... anything really.

You really need to think about leaving which I am sure you already are. It is very unhealthy for your children to see how he treats you. They see that daddy is yelling at mommy and they being so young will start to think that is normal. They don't know any other way of how parents treat each other.

I also suggest calling the DV hotline for any additional information. The number is:
1.800.799.SAFE

Also, you should check out this website for laws in your state:
www.womenslaw.org

Also, there is a wonderful website of Wishfuls on the main page under the title, just click on Board Website and will take you there.

Take Care.. Keep posting as much as you like.. we are all here for you.
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 8:59am
Welcome to the board! Since you're just beginning to think about leaving (which IMO is a wise decision), you may want to begin by checking out our community website, accessible through the link at the top of the Start page. It is full of helpful information, and can help you decide where to begin. Good luck, and please do keep us posted!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 11:04pm

Beth,

I so much can empathsize with you. Do have family support to leave him? i.e emotional and financial? Are you putting away anything (without him knowing) so you can get out of there, and get an attorney that specializes in domestic violence? I felt the way you did, until I got out. Even then it isnt easy. But getting away from my abuser was the best thing i ever did. He will fight you - be prepared. But it will be worth it to get your life back. It has been eight years and I look better than while i was married. I workout, went back to work and got promoted to an executive position, and have peace in my home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 4:43pm

Thank you, everyone, for your support, insight, and encouragement. I am making plans to leave my abuser (secret plans, of course)! There are several hurdles in my way, and I will try to deal with those as they come, but sometimes it's hard. I want to leave now, NOW, NOW- but I've got to have a well thought out plan..

I have bought the book "What Makes Him So Angry" that was so highly recommended on this board, and so far, it's wonderful. My friend seemed doubtful when I said I was buying it, but as I explained, it's not because I want to understand and fix things (I'm well BEYOND that), but I need to use it as a tool to get along until I can leave, and also so I'm not misled into ANOTHER abusive relationship in the future. That's one of my biggest fears, since I've been with my DH since I was eighteen, and he was really the only serious relationship I ever had, what if that's my "comfort zone", and I go right back to another abuser? Right now, being in another relationship seems inconceivable to me- I just want to be left alone, not subject to anyone else (except of course, my kids). But I've seen sooo many of my friends get divorced or separated, and then jump right into another relationship! I'm sure that when any relationship is over, you go through a lonely phase, but good lord! I hope I'm going to give myself time to heal and learn from my mistakes before jumping into something else. And another thing- there are kids involved, so most likely I will have to deal with DH on some level for many years to come..

Anyway- thanks for listening. I plan to post part 2 of my story, and stick around for a long time to come!

Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 5:19pm

Kudos Beth! You will do it and never look back! You won't believe how strong you are and how much better your life will be. I don't think you will be lonely, I think you will have something you haven't had in a very long time, a sense of inner peace. You are being brave.

Big Hugs,

Ali

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 10:44pm

I've been where you are. I've been divorced for 6 years now. And I'm so much happier without him.

I just wanted to give you a great big {{HUG}}