Intro/not for young ears...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Intro/not for young ears...
3
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 2:25pm

Morning ladies,

I have spent a few minutes reading over posts, sending blessings to so many who are in dire straights right now trying to get healthy and safe. My situation is so, so not as bad as many are going through. But I am hoping some may have a few tips I can use. I don't know how to explain without it getting long, so am apologizing before hand.

I am coming out of a very dysfunctional 15 year marriage. Probably pretty typical for the first ten or so I guess. We had one son, not thinking we would have any more, then after a Christian 'born again' period had four more wonderful kiddo's in a 6 year period. Divorce proceedings started last January by me. He is a controller. He wasn't happy either; but he doesn't 'believe in divorce' or in 'psychology' either. More like he doesn't believe in anything which upsets his course. He 'forbid' me to divorce; then reconstructed our whole marriage to fit some parralel universe where he is a white knight on a horse crusading as a single dad who wants to do the best for his children by getting custody of them from an ex-wife who up and left the wonderful life they had for absolutely no reason. Conservative, supposed Christian male supremacy, very, very close to his parents so I thought he really thought family was important - he is just a controller. Has lots of anger just barely under the surface. As long as his life was controlled his way, he functioned publicly as 'normal'. The ways people act behind closed doors are not the way they appear to work associates, family or friends though. Our marriage was okay, until I began to see that I was the one keeping it at that even keel. When he faced difficulties - financial, or problems with his parents (they own the family business), his control on our home life and with the kids got so tight I couldn't keep making excuses. He only ever got physical by getting in my face, or standing over me when I was sitting on the floor crying, or blocking doorways, and screaming or withholding whatever he wanted wherever he wanted. My efforts over the years to make any real friends with couples were thwarted by him. We had many acquaintances, but no close friends. He always had to 'work' or cancel at the last minute or if in any social situations where there were just a couple others or like one couple, he would be barely communicative and generally no fun and we wouldn't get together with them anymore. I have no family at all; which when we first met he barely commented about, but over the years became a question mark, like since I didn't have living relatives and I had come from a poor background that became at first a veiled, subtle thing that would be brought up as if since I couldn't trace my family background any problems must come from that side of the family etc. Later it was blatantly said by he and his parents. I homeschooled the children; he worked long hours, and did volunteer coaching with our oldest son's sports teams, for late summer through Thanksgiving, he was gone three weeknights and most all of every Saturday coaching. I had the other young ones, with one being special needs, and thought I love the sport oldest son was in, I got to go only once or twice a season...the grandparents wouldn't/didnt' babysit - they went to all the games etc themselves. I would try to take the four little ones a couple times a season or to the playoffs if I could, but it was too hard with my autistic child. I love him very much, but there was a long period that one of the things he dealt with was wanting to 'run' in any large open space, and I couldn't chase him and leave the other ones who were toddlers or just 5 or 6 etc alone while I ran halfway across the field to get him. I couldn't bear to use those strap or halter things with him; and there just was no other answer. And within the family environment, meaning his parents and him, the basic understanding was I had to be the primary caretaker and it was hard, yes, but that was our life, so just do it. Which I did.

I wanted to go through the local school district and get help, sensory need issues, special education etc for the special needs son, but he was so totally set against that, that the son would end up with more problems than originally and that we could homeschool him, educate ourselves (which meant me of course) and do that until a few years down the road when we would finally be able to afford private therapy hopefully. I did the best, the very best I could. I bought books and videos. Made table time verbal exercises, oral practice items, cognitive projects. I included him in going to the park, in interacting when possible with neighbors, going to the post office, shopping etc, what I could research and do I did. There were limitations though. One mom. Five children, three being homeschooled and my special needs son and a nursing baby still as we had another child before we had any indication that our sweet one had autism. It was late onset at approximately 13 months. He was a strong, very happy, healthy babe before that...then he lost eye contact, didn't want to be hugged or touched, lost his few already acquired words, hated getting wet and other things. I knew it was serious but spent months being told my then dh and his mother that I was being an overreactive mother, that he was okay really there was nothing wrong, maybe I just needed a little more rest, I was stressed. I scheduled an appointment and it took a couple months to even get him looked at, and he was diagnosed with classic autism. Even then for the next half of a year dh and his family still didn't believe me, believe the diagnosis. Surely he was going to grow out of it, it wasn't really that bad etc.

The control over us, living on this little island in the middle of an urban area continued. I tried to enjoy life with the children when he wasn't around, which was a lot. I told myself I had to stay long enough for the children to get older; that I had to keep up the front. And I did for another couple of years. We stopped going to his church; but still were under all the rules and regulations of Christianity without the foundations I thought. He was to have all the final answers in our family. He would sometimes allow me to express my opinion, then always, always still do whatever he decided. If I were a real Christian I would submit. Not only did he get mad at me for not wanting to continue to be 'submissive' --- when I tried to placate or go along with things, he would get mad because I was 'obviously not really happy to submit' as any real Christian wife would be. We had huge blow out arguments several times a year, then I would play the game and the peacemaker for several more months until he would go too far or there was something I felt was just too over the top not to at least express my opinion on. I should have been able to stick it out for the children. I tried. Then I found serious, serious pornography on the computer. At that time, I still wasn't very computer literate. He had probably been doing it for awhile; but I didn't know. Our sex life was not very good as far as I was concerned, but then that made me feel like it was just something else I "ought" to be happy with but wasn't. He believed he 'deserved' to have it whenever he wanted; and the regularity was the most important thing. He especially seemed to enjoy trying to push the issue on any evening when I was sad and depressed or mostly tired from the special needs issues, or if I was obviously not in agreement with something that was an issue we had talked about. He would come in and initiate something. If I either one,outright verbally said I didn't want to - which wasn't often since that was the main/only place I could actually get hugs and intimacy in some way at least,or more often if I didn't 'respond' in whatever way he deemed to be 'enough' then I was not living up to my wifely duties. Add that to the growing list of how I just wasn't from 'good stock', how I didn't measure up. To be honest, I didn't/wasn't freaked out about the porno stuff even at first. I have never thought people looking at porno or watching movies occasionally was a big deal...thought maybe it was a little variety or something. But I kept finding it. I couldn't explain it away. He obviously wanted me to find it or it was a combination of not caring. After another 3 or 4 months of it, then he would go stay on the computer for an hour or so, and then come to our bed and want to have 'fun'. Now, of everything that was difficult, all the other reasons for wanting to divorce, why was it I latched on to this as the final straw? I truly don't know. But the 'user' factor just totally weirded me out. I did not want to be his receptacle after he went looking at hot babes on the computer. Funny how the things you finally can make a decision about end up being selfish ones huh.

So here I am, having made a long-thought out decision, want to take responsibility for the hard place the children and I are in, I filed the divorce. But I am so at loose ends. How do you make friends when your life is in crisis? Who do I get help from? I was not beaten though the first judge in the case did write an RO against him for emotional and verbal abuse for three weeks to keep him away to hopefully cool off. Old neighbors helped the kids and I move or start to move to an apartment. They were wonderful. Ex changed the locks on the house the third morning I was trying to get some stuff out of the house (his parents own it and had served me 'eviction' papers twice after selling the house in a distress sale to a real estate agency so I had to find an apartment for the kids and I.

I found an apartment. We had a couple mattresses, the homeschooling books, some kitchen stuff, and clothing. At that time I had the children 80% and he had two evening non overnights a week, and eo weekend. I also always said yes to any extra time he asked for the chlidren to go to dinner or somewhere. I asked him to do a 50-50 parenting plan, that I didn't want to keep the children from him or their grandparents. But he said absolutely not. Then he had our first judge removed somehow, and he hired a new lawyer. He changed the filing to what is called a Move Away custody case. He and his parents are supposedly moving their business to another state and want custody of the children. He is trying to do it based on that I am emotionally unfit, and of course cannot take care of five children with no money, a new job after being out of the work force for over 12 years, and no family to help. There are no drugs, no alcohol, no abuse issues for either of us. The judge will be mostly deciding based on the economics of the situation. Which maybe for those with two children seems unlikely to be placed against me, but its different with five and one sweet one who is special needs. The cs has been patchy, given to us whenever he 'felt' like his company was making enough money that week or that month. I used my perfect credit to get credit cards to pay the lawyer and pay the apartment rent ... maxed stuff out by May, my lawyer withdrew, my new job is really great, but pay is not. I bring home $120 more than the lease payment. Then the cs was lowered by the new judge in May, he still gives that lower amount when he feels like it. If I get a second job, the times when I can have the children he would use against me if I wasn't there; already done that. He still controls so much of our life. It is not a choice I can make; nothing I do makes any difference. Just waiting on the final court date, which I pray is final, for the children to know who they will be with at least.

What have those of you done who had to go to a shelter to get away from your abuser; how did you go on to make a life? I am not in that bad of a circumstance and was not, but I need someone to talk to. If I get custody of my sweet ones at the Custody trial; how am I going to take care of them? He will continue this no cs any way he can I know. I have a job that is a little more than minimum wage; cannot get food stamps. I will not literally be able to pay the rent in December. Do I try to find numbers of regular city/county shelters and call them a few weeks before? Do I try to rent a storage unit and slowly move whatever matters to it in November before we are kicked out? He may very well be awarded the kids, which is the nightmare I face, but if I have the honor of getting to have them, I must figure out how to take care of them; he will not help us. He is going to disappear. I know eventually the d.a./child support unit may catch up to him in the other state and maybe get the arrears but that isn't going to help now. If I have to find a shelter will Social Services take the kids from me and give them back to him? And the real question, how selfish am I being to try to keep my children, knowing what I am going to put us/them through? He has 'offered' me a custody agreement. It is horrible. It would give him sole legal, primary physical, and permission to move to another state. I would only be allowed visitation if I stay in a guest room in their residence, cannot drive or take the kids outside of the city limits, and they would never come to my residence whether there or somewhere in another state, unless based on his whims he decided to 'let' them.

The children know of the paperwork; they do not want to lose either of us of course. His super dad routine during the divorce process has been so, so wonderful for the little ones (ages 4 - 9)--- he has taken them all over the place, done things with them, learned to bath them, cook etc. The oldest son, had a lot of fights with him (he had pushed, smacked and held him down in three confrontations they had before the divorce so their relationship was already strained.) and he disowned him about a month ago after formally asking him on the spot if he would 'choose' to live with his mom or with his dad, then getting into a huge argument and making him leave.and so he is living with me full time right now til the custody trial. He is relieved in some ways, but very hurt too. He doesn't want to lose his dad completely or his grandparents, he was hoping after the divorce to be able to have some sort of contact with them. They are doing the same 'with hold' sort of conditional love with him that I am very familiar with; you don't comply with their wishes, their program, then you are shunned, ignored, or worse.

Do any of you think an abuse counselor might be willing to talk to me, just for me to find out if I can think clearly? Might they be able to help me see where I am still playing 'old tapes'? I went to a counselor from January through May, but couldn't keep paying her and he wouldn't let me bring the children for counseling since he doesn't 'believe' in psychology so I didnt' want to spend any more money on me when I needed to take care of them. So sorry this is very negative sounding, but I could use a few views/ideas from anyone who might have a perspective to share. Good things and peace to you, Annah.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 7:42pm

Welcome, Annah.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 11:40pm

I went through a hellish 2.5 year custody battle with my ex, I can tell you it's a nightmare going through that. You have a rough road ahead of you, if there was ANY possible way you could hang on, go back with him for just a few more years until at least a couple of the kids are out on their own. Because it's going to be hard for you to fight him, you desperately need the funds to hire a good attorney for this. I'm not saying this to scare you, but this could be a losing battle for you, just because you don't have the money to fight him in court. (Even though you're a damn good mom). You're also going to need the funds to try and provide for them on your own.

During my custody battle, I kept having to pay the lawyer more money, while ex made it hard for me to work any extra at all, he used that as another excuse to come around and take the kids even more. I had an extremely hard time trying to take care of the kids due to my emotional state during this time, he made it hard for me to work, he was turning the kids against me, he wouldn't bring the kids back when it was time, etc. It was a very hellish nightmare, I don't want you to go through anything I did. I got to the point where it was so bad, I was suicidal, constantly having suicidal ideations about how to end it all. He had so much control over me for a while, I seriously felt like a trapped animal, clawing the walls to try and get out.

You're up against a control freak, and it sounds like he's going to fight you til the end. If you're dead set about divorcing him, be very careful in how you do it. Don't just give in and let him have the kids. Because once he has them, he'd probably make it very hard for you to see them, he'd eventually meet another woman, and then more than likely their stepmother would be raising them. Don't let that happen. Fight him, and don't give up, for your kid's sake. (Don't think about giving him 50/50, it's hell coparenting with a jerk, and then you can't ever go back and get his time reduced.)Please keep posting, and keep us updated with your situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 10:55pm
Wow. That is some story.....You are a much stronger woman than I think I could be.
But ok - I only had one child when I fell into my roughest times, but there are some government programs that could help, and you should at least check them out....Housing assistance for one, medical insurance, welfare, day care assistance, whatever. You may or may not qualify, but all are worth checking out. Find someone at social services who feels your plight, and they can probably help you at least in some fashion.
You may also want to try the state for help in getting child support. Yes, government programs are slow, but what I have found is that the state has been relentless in pursuing my ex for child support. Granted, I rarely get it, but it is out of my hands and the matter will be pursued by another party indefinately (and for free ) until I am fully paid.
I'm not sure what else to say....I know when I had to, I just worked hard. Really really hard..... I walked miles to my meanial workplace, I did odd jobs when I could, I traded favors with my babaysitters, whatever it took, and it was rough but in the end we got by.
And from what I've seen anyway, it's very hard for a parent who is not the main care-giver to get custody unless there is a drug addiction or abuse situation present. If it is a matter of funds, I bet a judge will be more likely to raise the child support before taking the kids away from you.
And you are not being selfish to keep the children. If they have been cared for mostly by you they are better off to remain that way, even if they are not as well of financially.
I wish you all the best I really do....This will be rough...good luck...keep us posted!