Issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Issues
4
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 4:26pm
I'm trying to start a new relationship. I know it hasn't been long. 6 months. But, I felt as though I was ready. I was happy w/myself. I was going to counseling and really working through issues I had w/men. Mostly going back to my dad. But, that's another story. I'm now seeing a man I've known for 8 yrs. We've been friends for a very long time and have kept in touch throughout the years. Two months ago we started seeing one another. Things are really going good. He treats me good and gives me space to be me. Which I love. He knows me and what I've been through and is really patient w/me. Well, I'm starting to over react. My mind must be playing tricks on me or somehting. Never have I ever had a man treat me this good and be this gentle and caring. I've never had one good relationship. I've been in three serious relationships. Two of the men were abusive and the other was just completely obsessed w/me. I keep questioning him. Asking him who he's talking to, where he's been, where he's going, and what he's planning to do. I'm really starting to sound like my ex.

Could I be abusive? Has this happened to anyone else? Am I jumping into this way too soon? This is not my normal behavior. I'm scared of my actions.

Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: imel240
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 6:07pm

No, you are not the abuser.

CL-Blueliner4

Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: imel240
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 7:11pm
Hugs imel! Conditioning, that word we hear so often but that's what most of it is, conditioning! I rebounded back into another abuser because I kept looking for what brought me to the first one, and instead of looking deeper into me I just thought it was a bad judgement and it couldn't happen again, well it did and more than once. And when I met someone who would have been a good date I was so confused that I messed it up! It's so confusing but until I sat myself down and got to know that person looking back in the mirror it didn't change.

We all want a normal relationship as soon as we can find one because we're trying to get our lives back to normal fast, it doesn't work that way. Give yourself time to clear out the past, work on getting to know that lady looking back and give her the first shot at regaining a more normal life. I didn't find happiness until I found out that I was looking in the wrong places, following old patterns that I thought were the right ones and I found I was doing it all wrong! Give yourself the time and it will actually work out quicker and things around you will resolve faster once you stop trying to make it work at your pace!

The conditioning keeps us confused long after we leave our abuser, after all it's what they took the time to implant into our heads that kept us from seeing the truth sooner. It takes time to uncondition ourselves just like it took time for them to condition us.

It's a twisted thing they do, they take our love, they take our trust and then turn it back to work against ourselves, to confuse us and to abuse us. I'm not saying that 6 months isn't long enough to relearn what we can trust within ourselves but it's not very long either.

Time mel, just give yourself the time to accept the fact that someone abused you, that someone took your generousity and twisted it to the point we don't know if the sky is blue or pink because we would believe either after we've been conditioned. Seek out a trained abuse counselor, find a support group, just somewhere where you can give yourself the time to talk to others and learn from others. Get to know you better, you'll be surprised on how distant you've become from yourelf from all of this and know that it is not your fault, it's nothing you could have seen coming.

Go slow dear imel, learn to love and trust that lady in the mirror, she's so worth the time! Once you do you'll find you can see more clearly, understand more fully what has happened. It will allow you to work out the problems your abuser insists on making you live through because he is so despirate to hold some ounce of control over you. You will heal if you give yourself the room and time to do so, you will heal far better than if you keep trying to hurry yourself back into a new relationship.

Hope this makes sense and hugs to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
In reply to: imel240
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 10:05am
It made sense. Both of those post. Thanks blue and buff. I really appreciate it. This is something I've been struggling w/for a week now and finally got the guts to post it. I'm not ready. There I said it. I had so many other excuses to why this was happening, but now I realize that is the only one. This is a long process. It really is and I'm just now learning that. I've said this once before and I'll say it again. I thought this was over when I left. Man, was I wrong.

I'm looking for counseling. Again!!!

Thanks for the great advice.

Mel

Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: imel240
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 11:50am
Imel,,instead of looking at this as "here we go again", turn it around, make it a journey of discovery, discovery of that lady in the mirror who so deserves the attention!

It's not always a bad thing that we have to give more time to heal, it can also be the discovery of a whole new person with new attitudes and a new hunger for a happier life!

Look to the positive, that's how we learn from the negative!

Hugs