is it abuse?
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| Tue, 08-01-2006 - 12:56pm |
I've been a relationship for several years with my bf. We met when we were both 16. At first things were wonderful, he was my prince charming, he swept me off my feet. He was everything I had been searching for. Then over the last two years, it started changing.
Sometimes though I feel As if I am going crazy. He hates the way I drive and when I "drive wrong" or I make a mistake he'll go crazy on me. (he doesn't have a licence so I have to drive) He'll rage on me and say that I'm so dumb and stupid I don't deserve to breathe oxygen. A few times it even got physical. Or when I lose my keys he'll say that i'm a stupid bubblehead. I have developed anxiety over my driving and pretty much everything else. I don't know what I do wrong that starts these rages. It's really scary how he talks to me. It doesn't happen everyday so I don't know whether or not to call it abuse. i know that I am disorganized and sometimes can be scatterminded, but i don't think its something that I deserve to be called a stupid idiot for, or that I deserve a beating for this. I never cheated on him, I always respect him.I feel so disgusted. I am so numb I can't even cry anymore.
Its like this, he's allowed to yell and scream at me, but when I make the slightest attempt to talk back he screams at me and says "how dare you talk to me like this". I think I am going crazy. I've lost all my friends because I don't have the energy for otehr people. He's always asking me to get up and do things for him, like get him water or food. When I say i don't want too, he gets really annoyed and says i'm a boring and a bad girlfriend, that I don't love him and don't do anything for him.
I feel dead inside, I can't tell my family and I don't want to betray my boyfriend. I still love him so much and would never want to hurt him. I don't feel like a person anymore. I think I may have co dependency as well, and I want help for this. I tried to see a psychologist and he didn't say anything for two months. then out of the blue he said "i've given you your space to deal with watever it is you had to deal with, but I don't want to be with someone who goes to a shrink , there's nothing wrong with you.I Just don't think I could be with someone who says she "needs help"" He says I don't know the meaning of emotional pain, when all I feel is emotional pain. I feel broken and damaged, maybe i'm overeacting, I know I am a very sensitive person, maybe this has some impact and I feed the behavior. I just need feedback and advice.

You feel like you're going crazy because you're losing yourself in this relationship. Your inner voice is trying to show you that something is very wrong and it sure isn't with you other than you stay with this loser.
You have to understand that this won't change and neither will he. Is this what you want for your life? You say you love him but living with abuse like this is more about your lack of self-love. Forget loving him and honestly, I don't think it's love. You are seeking his approval; something you'll never get. It happens in relationships like yours. The more you try to do, the less he appreciates it.
It's time to focus on you. What do you want for you?