Is it abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
Is it abuse?
3
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 9:54am
My DH has never hit me or anything so I don’t really know if it is abuse. When we were first dating we use to argue the “regular” couple arguments and would just make up and everything would be fine. When we got married everything changed. I started to notice he would get mad and upset and have these anger fits all the time. If he doesn’t get it his way then he will get angry. In our first apartment I locked myself in the room because I was so scared of him and he broke down the door! The reason I have stayed is because I love him and I know he loves me too, but I just don’t love those angry fits he throws. Yesterday really did it for me and I just needed some advice and some thoughts. Yesterday the whole day was great. I got home changed and went to the gym with DH. When we got back we argued about everything and anything. I try to be wise and not fight but he will keep on fighting and when I try to sit down and calmly explain myself and my point of view, he just cuts me off and tells me that he is right. Yesterday I tried to tell him to please not let the water in the kitchen running while he went to watch TV or check his email. Doesn’t it make sense, to turn it off. Well he yelled and threw things and he said I was wrong. All I said was “Honey, please turn the water off while you are not in the kitchen, thanks.” He said I yelled, I don’t yell! I talk calm. I am a calm person, who doesn’t like to argue or fight and tries to resolve everything calmly and I just know how to pick my battles. All night yesterday he was fighting and arguing, punching things, throwing stuff. Then I was standing up taking my make up off in the bathroom and he comes like nothing happened to tickle me. I told him to please stop because I had just ate and my stomach was starting to hurt. He kept on doing it. I wasn’t laughing! I wasn’t giggling! I said stop like 5 times, until I yelled and said, “STOP, I just ate and my stomach hurts, please stop.” He said how rude I was. He does this all the time, one thing is to be saying stop while laughing and another is to say stop and be serious. I have tried to explain this to him so many times, but he wants it his way. I think if I love someone I wouldn’t do things that bother them. I tell him all the time, honey ______ bothers me, please don’t do it. Next day, he does it. I don’t get mad, all I say is honey remember that I said _____ bothers me and he still keeps on doing it. I was shaking all last night, couldn’t sleep, I was actual afraid for my life. I tried to close the door, while he was in the living room so that I could have some privacy for a while and he came in storming punching the door and the wall and saying that he wanted that door open. I just don’t know if I should tell him that I can’t do this anymore. I mean I have said it before and he will tell him that I’m not going anywhere, or he starts crying and says that it’s all my fault. Talking to him doesn’t work, we have tried counseling and he ended up cursing the counselor out. I don’t know if maybe I should have a talk with his parents and someone at church and have them talk to him... I have just run out of options. I don’t want to live scared, I don’t know if this is abuse. I don’t want to live like this. All that he has done has been grab my arm and hold me back from walking. He has threatened me that he will kill himself or anyone else... I'm so afraid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
In reply to: sweet_pea
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 1:36pm

Welcome, sweet-pea.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
In reply to: sweet_pea
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 6:24pm

I agree with you and don't bring either side of the family into it either. Some how it will be made to look like your at fault.

If this were me, I would leave for work like normal, get a RO and have him removed from the home. If you have don't already have a separte bank account set one up ASAP.

~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
In reply to: sweet_pea
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 11:10am

This reminds me very much of my own not-so-dear Leon the Loony. I can say two things here that I often remind people: one, he doesn't have to be pounding you into a bloody pulp for it to be abuse, and two, if you have to ask, it probably is.

What you will need to do, and what I did, is work on preparing a safety plan. DON'T tell him what you are doing- it will just get him inspired. Work out where you will go, what you will do, etc. He may not be physical now, but he will almost certainly get there given enough time.

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