Is it abuse?
Find a Conversation
Is it abuse?
| Thu, 04-21-2005 - 3:07pm |
I simply have to get something off my chest, and for reasons I'll explain later, I'm reluctant to tell my family or friends. I've posted on relationship boards before about other problems, but this is the first time I've said anything about this.
My boyfriend and I haven't even been dating for one year. he moved far away from our hometown to move-in with me (I got a new job), three months after we began dating. Back at home, everything was great, we were a good couple and I had tons of respect for him, and loved him very much. Only once while we were living back home did he get extremely drunk and spent hours telling me about his abusive family history. It was the saddest thing I ever heard. Although I found it strange that he would not stop talking about it fir several hours although it was very, very late and I needed to go home. Once we moved in together, we had another fight coming home from a Halloween party, again alcohol was involved. He called me every name under the sun and held me down while he screamed in my face. I was extremely upset the next day, but we got over it. The next big fight occured on New Year's Eve, again, there was alcohol involved. More insults and screaming, but he also trashed the apartment because I was "too materialistic", punched holes in the door when I locked my self in the bathroom or bedroom, took my cellphone away from me, took the batteries out of the phone, tried to come at me with a knife, and shoved me and restrained me. I was so scared I finally escaped but could not get out of the front door to my building since he had the keys. I yelled at the neighbors, having a party next door, to call 911, which they did. This scared him so much that he let me out, but locked himself in the apartment. Neighbors and I pleaded with him through the door to let me back in and for him to leave before the police arrived. I told him I wouldn't press charges. Finally the police showed up and I managed to get in the apartment. He was gone, the backdoor was open, later I learned he had left that way to go to a neighbor's house. The police filed a report with a report number that I could use to get a restraining order if I needed to. I almost broke up with him after that, but he has no real financial resources or friends in the area, so I knew he had no where to go. We ended up getting back together, on the condidition that he quit drinking. This worked out well for awhile. Then one night, the unthinkable happened, he became abusive when he was stone cold sober. I had been drinking, but wasn't out-of-control. He started to ask me questions about STDs, just being curious about a comment that my mother had made at dinner when we were discussing the new cervical cancer vaccine. The comment is pretty irrelavent to me, but he found her saying "well that's good..." and then trailing off to mean that maybe I had an STD that I wasn't telling him about. First, I told him that he knew I had been tested when we first began dating, and that I was negative for all STDs. The I told him that my mother probably just realized she didn't want to start a conversation about STDs with her daughter and boyfriend over dinner and that's why she trailed off. It turned into a loud argument and I locked myself in the bedroom. He kept screaming that he paid rent too and didn't deserve to be locked out of the bedroom. I unlocked the door and we continued arguing. This one left alot of bruises on my arm and face. They were agian from him trying to restrain me from leaving, he also spit on me until my face was completely covered and said he was going to pee on me. I told him he didn't really want to hurt me, and I didn't want to hurt him, and he said "you're right" and smashed his guitar (very very precious to him) against the wall until it was completely destroyed. When he was restraining me, I started to try to fight back for the first time. I normally would try to tell him how much I loved him and didn't want to hurt him and beg him to stop hitting me and just let me leave or go to sleep. He finally let me go to my friend's house for the night, only to ask if I had slept with that friend when I came home the next morning.
If you're still reading, bless you. I still have more... In addition to these bad arguments, he also has insutled me in front of our freinds, and then accuses me of turning things in my favor whenever I confide in my friends. He makes it seem like I'm manipulating everyone arround me to feel sorry for me. Actually, the only person I told about anything was my best friend here, after the New Year's Eve incident, which was by far the worst one. Other times he has yelled at me in front of our friends and then doesn't remember it the next day (from being drunk). He sometimes will accuse my friends and I of conspiring to hang out without him when he's not present. When he quit drinking he was alot better, but the problem was that he quit and I felt no need to quit drinking. I'm still young, I don't drink to excess normally, alcohol is part of my family's culture to a certain extent, and I am not addicted. I don't feel I need to give up something I enjoy just because he has. After our last fight, he started drinking again,a nd has so far caused one very uncomfortable evening with our best couple-friends, which ended in our friends taking me to their place to sleep because they were afraid for me (one is the girl I told about New Year's Eve).
I need to end my relationship with this man. The problem is, I have tried several times. I care about him so much, I want to give him a fair shot. He usually will try and leave impulsively after a fight, when he is still drunk. I usually stop him and persuade him to take some time to prepare to find a new place or save money to go back home. I have horrible thoughts that if I kick him out he will become homeless or extremely depressed. Every time we discuss breaking up he tells me he loves me more than anyone else, and he wants to be with me no matter what. But I am just stressed out. He makes me feel like I am a crazy, manipulative alcoholic who always gets her way. I have bailed this guy out of jail before and supported him when he was looking for work when he first moved in with me. He has never paid me back, although he intends to, and I don't expect it. I also have lost my sex drive almost completely, which has NEVER happened before. I know I need to break it off, but how can I do it without feeling like a complete ass? Is that the price I'll have to pay? If you've read this far, please, please respond with any advice. Thanks!
My boyfriend and I haven't even been dating for one year. he moved far away from our hometown to move-in with me (I got a new job), three months after we began dating. Back at home, everything was great, we were a good couple and I had tons of respect for him, and loved him very much. Only once while we were living back home did he get extremely drunk and spent hours telling me about his abusive family history. It was the saddest thing I ever heard. Although I found it strange that he would not stop talking about it fir several hours although it was very, very late and I needed to go home. Once we moved in together, we had another fight coming home from a Halloween party, again alcohol was involved. He called me every name under the sun and held me down while he screamed in my face. I was extremely upset the next day, but we got over it. The next big fight occured on New Year's Eve, again, there was alcohol involved. More insults and screaming, but he also trashed the apartment because I was "too materialistic", punched holes in the door when I locked my self in the bathroom or bedroom, took my cellphone away from me, took the batteries out of the phone, tried to come at me with a knife, and shoved me and restrained me. I was so scared I finally escaped but could not get out of the front door to my building since he had the keys. I yelled at the neighbors, having a party next door, to call 911, which they did. This scared him so much that he let me out, but locked himself in the apartment. Neighbors and I pleaded with him through the door to let me back in and for him to leave before the police arrived. I told him I wouldn't press charges. Finally the police showed up and I managed to get in the apartment. He was gone, the backdoor was open, later I learned he had left that way to go to a neighbor's house. The police filed a report with a report number that I could use to get a restraining order if I needed to. I almost broke up with him after that, but he has no real financial resources or friends in the area, so I knew he had no where to go. We ended up getting back together, on the condidition that he quit drinking. This worked out well for awhile. Then one night, the unthinkable happened, he became abusive when he was stone cold sober. I had been drinking, but wasn't out-of-control. He started to ask me questions about STDs, just being curious about a comment that my mother had made at dinner when we were discussing the new cervical cancer vaccine. The comment is pretty irrelavent to me, but he found her saying "well that's good..." and then trailing off to mean that maybe I had an STD that I wasn't telling him about. First, I told him that he knew I had been tested when we first began dating, and that I was negative for all STDs. The I told him that my mother probably just realized she didn't want to start a conversation about STDs with her daughter and boyfriend over dinner and that's why she trailed off. It turned into a loud argument and I locked myself in the bedroom. He kept screaming that he paid rent too and didn't deserve to be locked out of the bedroom. I unlocked the door and we continued arguing. This one left alot of bruises on my arm and face. They were agian from him trying to restrain me from leaving, he also spit on me until my face was completely covered and said he was going to pee on me. I told him he didn't really want to hurt me, and I didn't want to hurt him, and he said "you're right" and smashed his guitar (very very precious to him) against the wall until it was completely destroyed. When he was restraining me, I started to try to fight back for the first time. I normally would try to tell him how much I loved him and didn't want to hurt him and beg him to stop hitting me and just let me leave or go to sleep. He finally let me go to my friend's house for the night, only to ask if I had slept with that friend when I came home the next morning.
If you're still reading, bless you. I still have more... In addition to these bad arguments, he also has insutled me in front of our freinds, and then accuses me of turning things in my favor whenever I confide in my friends. He makes it seem like I'm manipulating everyone arround me to feel sorry for me. Actually, the only person I told about anything was my best friend here, after the New Year's Eve incident, which was by far the worst one. Other times he has yelled at me in front of our friends and then doesn't remember it the next day (from being drunk). He sometimes will accuse my friends and I of conspiring to hang out without him when he's not present. When he quit drinking he was alot better, but the problem was that he quit and I felt no need to quit drinking. I'm still young, I don't drink to excess normally, alcohol is part of my family's culture to a certain extent, and I am not addicted. I don't feel I need to give up something I enjoy just because he has. After our last fight, he started drinking again,a nd has so far caused one very uncomfortable evening with our best couple-friends, which ended in our friends taking me to their place to sleep because they were afraid for me (one is the girl I told about New Year's Eve).
I need to end my relationship with this man. The problem is, I have tried several times. I care about him so much, I want to give him a fair shot. He usually will try and leave impulsively after a fight, when he is still drunk. I usually stop him and persuade him to take some time to prepare to find a new place or save money to go back home. I have horrible thoughts that if I kick him out he will become homeless or extremely depressed. Every time we discuss breaking up he tells me he loves me more than anyone else, and he wants to be with me no matter what. But I am just stressed out. He makes me feel like I am a crazy, manipulative alcoholic who always gets her way. I have bailed this guy out of jail before and supported him when he was looking for work when he first moved in with me. He has never paid me back, although he intends to, and I don't expect it. I also have lost my sex drive almost completely, which has NEVER happened before. I know I need to break it off, but how can I do it without feeling like a complete ass? Is that the price I'll have to pay? If you've read this far, please, please respond with any advice. Thanks!

Hunny,
You already know what you need to do. You can't control his actions and if he gets depressed or does something stupid if you break up that is his choice. I would go to the police or at least document the bruises as if he hurts you again you will have evidence of past abuse.
He is only going to get worse as time progesses. Look at the links in the other areas on this board. I am sure you will find definite traits. ALL abusers are nice in the beginning otherwise why would you go out with them to begin with. If he acknowledges his past family history of abuse and is doing nothing, but repeating the same pattern he is in serious trouble.
Start making an exit plan and working on how you are going to approach this. Abusers are resourceful and if you kick him out his will find a way. He is an adult and should be treated as such.
Talk to your local domestic violence shelter and seek their help in extracting him from your life. It will take time and a little effort, but you sound young and deserve to be happy and treated like the queen you are.
First of all, welcome to the board Marie.
This man has destroyed your property, bruised you, tried to stop you leaving, insulted you. And the fact that he spit on your face, and threatened to urinate on you... UGH. And the abuse appears to be escalating, though you say he is now trying to stop drinking.
Don't walk, RUN from this one.
As for him being homeless -- better homeless than in jail for hurting or worse, killing you!
You deserve better. Please get out and go find it!
--Fran
Welcome to the board, sweetmarie.
Mama Harmony
Anyway, I think that yet again, I have to reiterate to my bf that I want him to leave. This is so hard! Why won't he just get out with the shreds of dignity he still has left? It's so hard for me to respect him now, and I think that just makes him feel worse about himself, which makes it more likely that he will get drunk and go nuts. Anyway, I'm at least calling a DV counseler to see what they suggest. Thanks for all your support. This board has been invaluable to me!
Marie honey, I can see already you are putting a lot of the blame on yourself, esp when you say "I know some of our past problems are my fault"
Here's an idea for getting him out. Next time he 'impulsively walks out' - change the locks on his sorry behind. When I finally got prat-face (my ex) out of the house I had the locks changed faster than he could throw a coin into a slot machine (yes, he was an addict too). And there was he, thinking he'd slink back in the morning when I'd changed my mind....
Now can you please explain to me exactly how it is your fault that he holds you down, screams in your face, holds you hostage, spits on you, destroys your stuff and generally abuses your hospitality? Can you think of anyone else that you would say deserves this treatment? Or would you say there were more constructive ways of dealing with disagreements?
Honey, if he has nowhere to go - that's his problem. Besides, didn't you say the other chap offered to pay more rent? Isn't that a big signal that you'd be doing the right thing?
Listen to what everyone else has said. Get yourself out of this situation before it is too late. This person is dangerous.
Rowena