Is it abuse on my part by being distant?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Is it abuse on my part by being distant?
8
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 9:12am

Hi everyone,

I've been reading the Verbally Abuse Relationship by Patricia Evans, (recommended by this board) and it mentions that one form of control abusers use is not talking to the victim, and staying distant, holding back, not being talkative. I have been doing that to my dh because I just don't want to do anything to set him off. The thing is he tries to talk and make conversation, especially when we ride to work (we work at the same place) and ride together once a week. He has noticed this and says I am moody and sulky and then acts hurt when he finds out about minor things (neighbor had surgery) that I knew about but didn't tell him, then he says ok if that "how you want it to be not tell me anything."

He had flowers sent to me for Mother's Day and also a subscription to receive 3 more plants in the next few month, from him and the girls. Not that I am not grateful or appreciate it, some women get nothing at all from their abusers. But the thing is I have to make sure I really emphasize how much I like his gesture, because for him a simple "thank you, that was wonderful honey!" is not enough. He's accused me in the past of not showing enough of appreciation over things he's done. So now I know I have to act as if he saved the world to make sure I've met his expectations of what a gift recepient should act like.

Sure enough, after I told him I was just so thrilled and excited about the flowers and what wonderful idea he had about the flower subscription. He then said, I hope you'll start acting and treating me nicer. Of course, I said I always treat you nice, then he said no you don't. So I chose to just let it drop rather than get in a fight.

So by my withholding back and only conversing when necessary is that a form of abuse on my part?

Thanks for your support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 9:33am

No you are not being abusive. There's a difference between withholding affection to torment someone and becoming distant out of sheer self-protection.
So, poor baby, he's not getting a standing ovation and an announcement in the local press every time he 'does something nice'.
Ask yourself one thing. How many things do you/have you done for him? How much thanks do you get?
Something to think about.

Hugs

Rowena

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 11:31am

Hi Rowena,

Thanks for explaining the difference. I am always filled with so much self doubt. Thanks for making me feel better on Mother's Day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 12:58pm

I'm so glad I'm here and he's there! I really wouldn't want to spend mothers' day locked up for cruelty to dogs!

Okay, first of all, keeping your silence is nothing in this world but self-defense. Diana, you didn't start this. You said it yourself: you don't want to set him off. That is the victim's stance, not the abuser's. And of course he's going to call you on it, 1) so he can torque with your mind and 2) because he wants you to give him lame excuses for abusing you! Somehow "but she breathed!" doesn't satisfy these people.

Second, he is a world-class scumbag for using a special occasion to get to you. Mother's Day is for saying "Thank you. I love you." It's not for saying, "I just made a gesture, now you owe me a punching bag." It's not for bargaining with you to make you submit. What a jerk. He wanted you to feel you were the one in the wrong. You're not.

Enjoy the gifts, since they're from your daughters. Do your best to disregard him. Sorry to sound so cold, but you don't deserve these mind games!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 3:35pm
Aw, drat! I replied with such a nice message, and it didn't go through for some reason. Anyway, you are NOT the abuser. You are protecting yourself from a possible confrontation and you have every right to do so. Abusive people want to attack and pick for no reason so they put us under a microscope and when the tiniest cause for retaliation is warranted (in their heads) they strike. Sometimes harshly, sometimes subtly, but still they do. You cannot live your life under a microscope so as not to offend him all the time. Real relationships are not like that. A healthy significant other appreciates and values all the colors of the spectrum that make up another person. And they understand that there are ups and downs, highs and lows and WE ARE ALLOWED TO BE PISSED OFF TOO SOMETIMES. So please do not think that you are being abusive. You picked a way of behaving to avoid conflict, and instead of being grateful, he's telling you that you are not appreciative enough of things. Puhlease!!! Please go to a counselour (I think that you said that you did, but I'm not sure) and try to get away from this. Tell me do you get any joy out of this relationship? If there is anything salvageable about this relationship then go forth. But otherwise, toss his inferiority complexed a**. Hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 11:28pm

Hi gonnabefine,

Thanks for the reassurances, I really appreciate it. I'm so tired of having my mind messed with, and if it were not for the support I've received from everyone on this board and I would be feeling so bad all the time. But everyone's words gives me so much strength! Thank you! In 3 days I have a first time visit with a counselor at the DV shelter!

Take care,

Diana

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 1:28am

Glad to be of service.

Good luck with the counsellor.

Rowena

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 9:16pm

Nope, it is not a form of abuse on your part. Abusers make you fall into the "dammed if you do and dammed if you don't" category. If you try and talk with them, they attack you and tell you that you are being nosy, trying to cause trouble, trying to mess up their happiness, etc. If you don't talk to them, then you are accused of being childish, sulky, selfish and uncommunicative. But then when you try to explain your feelings/what you are thinking, you are then slapped down (figuratively speaking, but sometimes physically, also)for daring to have an original thought or idea.

Now, if you are going to be berated (you in the general sense....we've all been there)for doing something or nothing, take the path of least resistance and effort for you. Say/do nothing to them. It saves energy on your part and you can use that energy to begin to take steps to reclaim yourself and your life. Also, in abuse cases, silence in the victim is a form of self-protection. You are trying to protect yourself from more damage by having minimal contact with him. He is trying to have more contact/interaction with you because he feels "something" is not right and that his control may not be what he thinks it is.

So yuck on him. For him to expect a 21 gun salute and a marching band for getting you a Mother's Day present is utterly ridiculous. Normal adults don't feel the need to broadcast about what a great person they are just because they did something nice ( and somewhat expected) for someone. He's trying to make himself feel like the injured/aggrieved party because you did not exuberantly praise his magnanamous gesture, and is maybe trying to make you look like the ungrateful one. That is so not true. It's just another one of the abuser's evil tricks and mind games to do this to people. Hang in there and good luck with your counselling session.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 9:02am

Thank you for your supportive comments. Right now my energy and outlook on life is so low, but visiting this board helps me make it through another day. He has noticed that I am quiet and has said he comes home in a good mood (if snapping at me and having curt answers when I ask him if he is ready to eat dinner constitutes as a good mood !)but that I am just crabby (that is how interprets my quietness.) Maybe I should not have responded back (but luckily he didn't react)but I did say I am not being crabby, just quiet. He didn't say anything after that.

And regarding those Mother's Day flowers, he just takes the joy out of anything. They are in a planter and I had moved them off the kitchen table so we could eat, and had forgotten to put them back after dinner. Of course he picked up on that and said why are those flowers here, you must not have liked them. I said I just moved them off the table so we could eat and forgot to put them back. Then he said well you better not let those flowers die. I wanted to say "you know what you can do with those flowers." Ugh.

Well I've made a point that the only time I will try to act "happy" around him and like a Stepford wife is when my daughters are around, because I will be genuinely happy to interact with them just not him. There is no reason why my children should suffer because of him.