Is it better to stick it out for a littl
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| Thu, 02-01-2007 - 9:05pm |
Wow. Didn't know I'd feel so home on this message board but lots of posts seemed really familiar to me. My question is, is it ever better to stick it out for a while (2 1/2 yrs) to avoid the possibility of physical violence?
I've looked at the checklists and a few other sources and think there's emotional/verbal abuse but really feel like I can't kick him out now or he will have absolutely NOTHING (i.e. not a lucrative job and without the kids he adores) and really may go postal.
So far no physical violence and only occasional (every month or so) outbursts (no name-calling in front of the kids but in private and definite temper tantrums and rants in front of them). Actually, back in 2000 he put his hand on me and pushed a little while cursing me out and I walked out then and there with our 4 month old to stay in a hotel for the night. Nothing like that since then till a couple weeks ago - a big one-sided blowup in the car where he drove scary and banged his fist on the dashboard. (just me and him in the car)
Anyway, lots of the checklist doesn't apply - I earn the most money, have access to it and we do joint decisions for most everything and he doesn't isolate me and isn't possessive. No drug/alcohol abuse.
He's finally agreed that we need NOT to be together (though thinks it's my behavior that "makes" him act out) but financially he can't afford to move out. Oh, the clincher, b/c of my job (that provides free housing and great private schools and a pretty good income) we move country to country every 2-3 yrs and where we are now, the salaries are about half that of the US. So he has a job but earns much less than me. We really don't have money to buy an additional second car or pay for an apt for him. And places we could afford would be hours away in this city's traffic.
So my plan is to try to stick it out co-parenting in the same apt for the next 2 1/2 yrs till we move on to the next country, the kids will be 4, 4, 7 and 9, and he can go to the US on his own for a good salary or to a European country (if I'm lucky enough to get there) and live near us. (He's got UK and US citizenship.)
Oh, originally he agreed to go to couples counseling (in Oct/Nov) but has since decided that it's all me so last night I had my first session and loved it solo. (The psychologist strongly encouraged him to come in - at least once - and thinks we might need couples.) I didn't talk about his intimidation of me whenever he gets mad so maybe I will and she'll stop pushing that.
Anyway, have any of you been able to stick out an uncomfortable situation on purpose with an eye toward leaving in the distant future? What are your tips for doing that?
Thanks so much for your insights.
Karen
PS And he really is a great dad in most respects - lots of hands on parenting, which we need with so many so young. (He has spanked the 6 and 4 yr old but on rare occasions and not in a scary way and not for minor transgressions.)

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I think you really know the answers to these questions. Particularly if you're reading the info that's available. You can sit there and look for the NOT matches, or you can look at the way things develop and are developing in your relationship.
You know the answer.
C.
It's really good that you're here, checking out all available info on DV/DA. Maybe since you enjoyed counseling solo, you could continue it for you? I suggest that before you agree to him joining you in counseling, you mention the intimidation! It can't hurt to take care of you right? Let the counseling be for you.
I can't imagine moving from country to country! I'm so settled where I've been for almost 8 years! Is it hard to make and keep friends moving around like that? I'm happy to hear you don't feel isolated. Are you able to keep relationships w/ your family w/ your frequent moves? I'm curious about what you do, but not prying! It sounds exciting, seeing all the different places! I'll stick to here, cause I'm afraid of getting on a plane!
I know you were looking for an answer about sticking it out, I can't answer that. In my situation, I've been sticking it out for way too long. I argued w/ myself that it was better for my kids to stick it out.
I hope you'll have time to keep reading and posting! We're happy to listen and share! Take care! You have twins? I have a 4 yr old, 6, and 9, also 12, 13 and 16! How do you do all that?
Carrie
Hi, glad that you posted. This is an interesting situation. You can only really leave when you are ready but waiting is not going to prevent physical abuse from happening. In fact the longer you stay the more likely physical abuse will occur. Also, the longer you stay the harder it may be to leave; he may become more controlling, you have more emotionally invested, ect... My suggestion is that you talk to a domestic violence counselor and create a plan, a time line to leave. If things escalate then obviously you will need to consider leaving sooner.
After the first physical incident with my X, I planned to leave about a week later, but by chance he ended up "catching" me. I spent another 3 years in the relationship. I never intended to leave. I did everything to try to keep things together. I started to go to counseling and stated I felt my marriage needed to end but never mentioned the abuse. We went to a few couples’s sessions in which it dawned on me and my counselor that I couldn't stay in this relationship. From there everything went so fast.
You know what the best course of action is. A lot can happen in 2 1/2 years. If you plan to stay, get support till you are ready to leave. Always feel free to post. It have been a great outlet for me. We will always be here to support you. Good luck. Take care.
Oh, Princess.
I'm SO sorry you had to go through that and didn't .. well, just DIDN'T. What are we thinking, huh?
I am glad you're out and saf(er). I kind of feel as long as they continue to consume oxygen, we're never quite safe. I worry that they'll get a bug in their ear and remember they have yet more they could torment us with.
Your guy sounds so damaged and sick. I'm hoping there were some assault with attempt to maim, attempted vehicular manslauter or some equally appropriate chages made.
Hang in there. You're in such a better place, aren't you? How are your kids?
C.
IMO, sticking it out is exactly what your H expects you to do. All of the instances of "outbursts" you described are abusive. They may not have gotten physical with you, but they are cases of physical aggression. Studies have shown that violence increases and escalates. You didn't say how it makes you feel when he acts out like that, but I remember being fearful. My ex would always act shocked and apalled when I'd say he scared me, but in the end, he had plans to seriously harm, if not kill me. Thankfully the police broke in while he was smothering me. AND, that was the first time he'd ever laid a hand on me. But there were plenty of violent outburst: holes in walls/doors, dents in my car, ripped clothes,etc. The emotional abuse you described also takes its toll on you. Don't underestimate the damage it does to you or to your kids to hear that, even if it isn't directed at them.
No one can make a decision for you, but I'm sure we all recommend you seek DV counseling and formulate a plan for when you are ready to leave. Just think, in 2 1/2 years you could be well on your way to a happy and safe life instead of trying to pull yourself away from a crazy/controlling man. Also,all of the info does recommend that you continue individual counseling as opposed to marriage/couples counseling. And be honest with your counselor about what goes on in your home. Figuring it all out does help with the feelings.
Oh, and one more thing...You are not responsible to support this man. So what if you make more money and provide the housing. That's great. It's not your fault he doesn't have a better job. You are not responsible in any way for him!!! Just you and your kids. He's a big boy and should be able to care for himself, so don't feel like you have to stay to take care of him. Trust me, he will find his own way in the world without you. These men are like cats with nine lives,and they always seem to land with their feet on the ground...and if they don't, then they should have behaved from the beginning.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Stephanie
"...you never know when they can blow up."
That's true.
However, I think it's important to note here, that although the timing might be unforseeable, what WILL happen is not. The patterns are there and the actions taken are predictable. The sequence, the stages, the excuses, rationale, the insanity?
It's predictable. Hence the lists.
C.
I totally agree with you. I guess I should have been more clear. To me they are unpredictable, because you
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