it has been 4.5 years and the drama continues...sorry long need hugs!

Avatar for lbarent
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
it has been 4.5 years and the drama continues...sorry long need hugs!
9
Tue, 08-16-2011 - 12:16am

Hi everyone,

I have not been on in some time. I am fearful for what will happen this week and am coming for some advice and support. I apologize for not being on here more often to help out with others but I think of you often.

My DD is now 5 years old. She needs her tonsils/adenoids out. She has been to 4 doctors who all say the same thing that it should happen before Kindergarten which is next week. Her father has tried to block all of it. He thinks she will outgrow it even after countless strep/croup episdodes and pediatrician/allergist/ and 2 ENT surgeons telling him that is not the case in her situation and the surgery is medically necessary.

I scheduled the surgery as I have the Independent right to medical, dental, and surgical. Her father threatened the ENT with legal and so the surgeon told me sorry but unless we both consent he has to cancel the surgery. Her father will not consent to ANYTHING that i want or need just to spite me but that is a whole different story.

My Attorney got involved and sent the ENT a copy of the Decree and spoke to him on the phone. He asked the ENT if necessary and ENT stated yes my daughters health was his number one concern however he was concerned that her father would take him to court. My attorney stated legally it is my decision and if her father obstructed medical my attorney would take him

Avatar for lbarent
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000

Would your Lawyer be willing to send that information instead of you? the Lawyer could include the court order allowing you to make the medical decisions to remind him that he does not have final say. Also it is possible the lawyer informing him of her inability to travel will convince him that he best not have her travel etc.

Also does your lawyer know ex is messing with dd's head and causing emotional distress...can you and lawyer request full mental health eval on him and girls and you and get everyone in court ordered counseling 1) to help dd process the lies being told to her 2) expose ex's mental games..etc?

Just some thoughts...good luck for your dd with surgery, I have two who had their tonsils out and it is a rough recovery...I would not have allowed them to visit anyone during their recovery had I been separated at that time. I would have re arranged weekend visits to work around their recovery...little late for you to do that exactly but perhaps if your lawyer is willing to send the post op instructions for you he can suggest that they skip this weekend visit and he can have the next weekend etc...

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Just wanted to say I am sorry to hear this...abuse truly goes on ,one way or another when kids are in the middle..I am sorry he is controlling you still and not looking out at the best interest of the child. Assuming you have got 2nd opinion on the surgery need, and every one of the doctors recommend it, can they meet up with him? I know dragging it to the courts is tough but if he is going to deny medical care that is necessary, he should not even get visitation custody. I dont know what to say except for this precise reason I waited till my dd was a teenager and things are still bad as she has been manipulated as well..
Avatar for lbarent
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
I am at the preop now buy they are running behind. I hVe such stress. I going through with surgery tomorrow morning. There was no way I could have stuck out anything with her father. Happy to be out! Although he continues to manipulate and try to control I could not have stayed moment longer. Fr those who are still in just know leaving was the best thing for me and my kiddos.

I sent him the notification email and have not heard back yet. I am sure he will go ballistic but oh well. I can only control how I react to him and I choose not to engage or react. He does not control me. I never say anything negative to my DD about her dad. She will figure it out on her own and all I cando I be the best parent when she is. With me and pray for her when she is not. It has become easier as she is getting older because I have heard her on the phone stand up to him.

I want to cry she is so sweet. I pray she has an easy recovery and he is unable to take his visitation this weekend.
Avatar for lbarent
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005

Well he imagined to do it again! He threatened the surgeon who cancelled the surgery after we sat at the office for an hour. I am going to have to go back to court. I am so exhausted from the bullying and harassment I can not even tell you.

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006

here is what I would do. Find a 3rd specialist, have him and you sit down with this specialist and chalk out pros/cons of surgery. Can it wait, does it need to be done NOW? If your ex is part of that consultation, maybe he will change his mind.

Why dont you try that route instead of legal again? Tell your ex..that you are showing all the charts and the recommendations of 2 doctor to specialist #3..and go from there? I have had friends whose tonsils were removed when they were almost teenagers. I feel your ex might be looking at waiting it out..or he needs to consult directly with ENT specialist to know the pros/cons of wait vs now. Just as a side thing, any surgery does have risks..and maybe your ex is concerned. The key is to have him involve in a 3rd opinion.

Dont drag it to courts if you can. For that $$$$ you will spend you can fly to the best specialist in the country. Again, that is just my opinion..good luck.

Avatar for lbarent
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005

We have been to 4 doctors who all have told him she MUST have it and will not outgrow it. He thinks he knows more than any doctor, judge, attorney, police officer, etc. He is above everyone. Unfortunately the only was to get it done is to go back and get exclusive rights from him and put a stop to the harassment once and for all. I am hopeful with this new judge. Either that or just take her to another surgeon and not notify him until after the surgery so that he can not block it. Legally he does not have the right to any say.

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001

Grrrrr, it is behavior like his that makes me want to drop-kick some of these non-custodial parents through the goalposts of life.

Mama Harmony

Avatar for lbarent
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005

Thanks for the huge hug mamaharmony! this is my new i don't put up with BS attorney who i love. my last attorney cost me a fortune, but this one has not charged me for court on 2 occasions and does not charge me for reading all of the crazy emails and texts my EX sends and gives me a discount I think just because he feels bad for me. He has been awarded legal fees at one of the last 2 hearings. I trust him. He is fuming mad at the surgeon and told the Dr. that it is neglect and he will take EX and Dr. if need be back to court for obstruction of medical (willful neglect).