Is it me or is something wrong? Advice..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2004
Is it me or is something wrong? Advice..
4
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 6:38am
I got married 8 months ago to someone I have known and dated on and off for 7 years.

Shortly after we got married, within two weeks, I started to see what he was really like. Never before was there any indication of what kind of person he really was. After the first week, we began arguing. At first I was shocked and confused at his behavior, I though t maybe it was stress from our move to another state, or him just not used to being around another person as much as he now was.

8 months later I am now used to that behavior of his, and realize I just never really knew who he was, and he never showed his true colors until we were married.

First, he started by stating that I didn't need to work because he would provide for me and my children. I told him I would get a job to help with the bills and everything else, but he insisted that he would do it himself. He opened a bank account in my name, but he constantly checks the transactions online, and once, only once when there was purchase he did not make, he flew into a rage. Why was I hiding things behind his back, and so on. I had no idea where that purchase came from, it was a misunderstanding. Anyhow, to get to the point I have never spent any of the money he makes, even though the bank account is in my name. He seems to want to be in control of everything, if I want to buy something, I have to let him know. Just so I'm "not doing it behind his back". He's constantly checking the caller I.D, calling back numbers he doesn't recognize. He made me my own email account, along with setting my password for me. If I don't let him check my email for me, he accuses me of hiding something from him. I can't glance in another guys direction, even if i'm looking at something else, or he gets angry and accuses me of "staring" at the guy.

He is extremely nice in front of other people, laughing, smiling, telling them everything they want to hear to try and win them over. But as soon as we are alone, he changes. One minute he can be happy, the next minute furious and back again.

He hasn't ever hit me, but I am very afraid that it will come to that. He very easily flies into a rage, at any given moment I feel like he might explode again.

He does scream at me, tell me to "shut the f-- up", call me a B--, and so on. He once pushed me down in front of my son. Another time he accused me and my son of laughing at him, which we were not, my son told me a joke and we were laughing, he reacted like I have never seen anyone act before. It was completely insane.

And I thought he couldn't get any worse than that, but he did. He was hopping around talking crazy, and I was mad too until I realized that he was completely off the wall.

He went on and on for about 3 hours ranting and raving and calling me names, in front of my children, and then just as quickly as he started, he stopped. Until he thought he had "gotten through to me". Then it was all supposed to be fine and I was supposed to give him a kiss and not be mad.

He expects me to have dinner for him when he gets home, yet when I make dinner and leave it for him, he doesn't eat it, ever. But if I don't, he gets mad, blames his bad moods on being hungry because I didn't leave him anything to eat.

He also has his 4 year old daughter living with us, he expects me to do everything I do for my kids and more. If he feels like I am not treating her the way I treat my children, he flips out. This is what makes him the most mad at me. Because I can't love his child, who I just met 7 months ago. like I love my own kids. I dont treat her badly, I feed her bathe her, change her clothes, but thats not enough. Just today he got mad at me for telling the kids they need to sit at their places at the table, he insisted they could sit anywhere they wanted, because his daughter wanted to sit where my daughter usually sits. I wasn't trying to exclude anyone, I was simply trying to keep the peace. He's at work 14 hrs a day, sleeps 8 hours then is awake for an hour before he leaves for work again, and I don't miss him, I truly enjoy the time that he's away.

The other night he confessed to me what his childhood had really been like, his mother had abused him, and as a child he tortured and killed animals, dogs and cats.

He also confessed that when his daughter had been staying with him before we got married, he physically abused her. He thought he broke her nose once and another time, he put a pillow over her face when she was crying until she stopped.

I had no idea that he was like that or else I would have never considered marrying him, now that I know all this, I don't want to stay with him. I don't want to give him the opportunity to hurt my children, or me. I have witnessed on one occasion, him picking his daughter up by her hair and throwing her into the other room, just like that, then beating her. That was before his confession, I had no idea he treated her that way. I was shocked and I told him to never do that again. His excuse was, "thats the only way I can get her to listen to me". Hes either extremely cruel to her or spoiling her rotten. Theres just no in between.

I keep thinking maybe things will change, when deep down I know they won't I also know that I don't really love him. I am most afraid of him getting any kind of custody of our daughter. I can't bare to be around him anymore. He hits me, kicks me, but says, oh that wasn't hard or oh I was just playing.

I started out wanting to describe what was going on and wanted to ask for advice, but now as I read what I have wrote I realize that there is nothing right about this. I know what I have to do, but exactly how do I go about it? Especially the custody part, how cn I make sure that he will absolutely get no custoday of my daughter whatsoever and his other daughter probably shouldn't live with him either.

I have cried more in the last eight months than I have in all my life.

Please, if anyone has gone through this please let me know what I should do, need to do, etc. I just can't go on like this anymore, my kids deserve to be happy and I know that if I'm not happy they can't be very happy either.

Please help.

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 6:59am
violet - I didn't even finish reading your entire post - you say he hasn't been physically abusive - yet?? HE HAS! He picks his daughter up by her hair? He holds a pillow over her face until she stops crying?? That is physical abuse! He pushed you? That is physical abuse! I would call the DV Hotline NOW!!! And you are correct - his daughter should NOT be left with this man. Where is her biological mother?

You have dealt with more than anyone should. He moved you away from friends. He controls all the money and you, he confessed to killing animals as a child - he is dangerous and abusive. Call the hotline. Read from the home page. Get some help and get away from this man before he does any lasting damage to you, your kids or his own daughter. Run. Call the police. Get a restraining order. He is dangerous.

Post here - often and as much as you need, ask questions, vent your frustrations - get it out - talk about it and you will get stronger and you will get so much support and guidance and encouragement. You deserve so much better than what this man is.

My thoughts are with you,

ples

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 1:58pm

Hi Violet and welcome -


Unfortunately, many abusers wait until the deal's sealed before this part of the personality comes out, because they have trapped you in essence, made you a prisoner.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 2:57pm
Violet

I cant agree with Blue more, You need to leave, and you need to leave now. I have been there sweetie and it is only going to get worse. Leave before something terrible happens. He is Physically Abusing You and the kids.

At the begining of your post You said,

"He hasn't ever hit me, but I am very afraid that it will come to that."

Then at the end of your post You said

"He hits me, kicks me, but says, oh that wasn't hard or oh I was just playing."

that is abuse sweetie and you need to leave. Do you have any family that you can go to for help? Maybe a close friend? If not than go to a Shelter ASAP!

You are in my Prayers,

(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

Van

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2004
Wed, 04-28-2004 - 2:10am
Thank you all for your replies.

I have been trying to tell my mom about what has been going on, but I have only been able to tell her half of it. I guess what makes it so hard to tell my family what I have posted here is that I will look like a fool for marrying him in the first place. But I have decided that when I talk to my mother tomorrow I will tell her what you have read.

You all wanted to know where his daughters mother is, she lives in another state. She really has never had her daughter, she abused drugs while she was pregnant with her and so her mother, the childs grandmother took her away from her. But then she turned around and gave her to my husband, thinking that would be best. They haven't had any contact with her since she was a year and a half, after her leg was broken on one of her visits to her mother. My husbands sister, however, recently told us that she doesn't believe that the little girls leg was broken at the childs mothers house, but at my husbands parents house, by my husbands mother. I am seriously thinking that when I leave I should let her mother know what has happened to her. She claims she has gone through treatment and is drug free, she has two other daughters and she says they are living with her. At the very least, her maternal grandmother should step in to take care of her, because other than her, she really has no sane, stable person to care for her.

You were right, I should have done something about what he did to her, but I was in shock, I've never seen anyone do anything like that before. And since then he hasn't done anything that severe. We agreed that we would only discipline our own children our own way and not to interfere. Thats really no excuse, and I think about that incident all the time. More and more I am starting to see the little things that I somehow didn't see before. Everytime he touches his daughter, she winces as if she expects to be hit. Our daughter we have together, who is 3 years old rarely wants to be near him anymore.

Someone said that I should pack the kids in the car and leave, I would do that if I had a car. He takes our van to work, and as I said before, he works 14 hours a day.

I have very few friends here and my one friend I can count on through everything lives 60 miles away.

So where do I begin, whats the most important thing for me to do first? My greatest fear is that no one will believe me.




Edited 4/28/2004 2:18 am ET ET by xviolet76