Is it my fault??
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| Wed, 09-20-2006 - 5:31pm |
Here's my situation in a nutshell....my husband and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. We have 2 sons, 3 Y.o. & 7 mos. My husband was abused his entire life and as a result has become a very angry, bitter person. He is unsocial, can't hold down a job, has been to prison (when our oldest was 8 months old for 7 months. It was for something that happened before we met, but it caught up with him)
He tells me he cannot handle me "running my mouth" If I would just be quiet we would be ok. Last night we really got into it. He pushed me to the floor a couple of times and he slapped me in the face, hitting my head into the wall. I have bruises on my arms and my leg. He wouldn't let me go outside to cool off (so I can go for a drive and run my mouth without him hearing)
Anyway, I have always had a mouth and am finding it hard to change. He used to hit me before he got locked up, but once he came home, he stopped, until recently. How do I stop running my mouth. Me and the kids are all he has and I know i shouldn't care what happens to him, but I do. Please help.
Thank you.

Hi. Welcome to the board! No this is not your fault!!!! My opinion of reading your post is that you are in an abusive relationship - I am also sure that you know that because you did come to the board asking form some advice. You have came to the right place.
Let me ask you this first of all. When you were growing up, did you picture your life to be with this kind of man that physically abuses you? You do not deserve this at all. No matter what he might say, you do not deserve to be treated this way. He is making up excuses about you being the problem in the relationship to get all eyes off of him. It would not get better if you stopping "running your mouth". The only way it will truly get better is if you leave this man. He has problems.
The other thing that I am very concerned about is your children. They are learning from him. The way he acts to you, how he treats you, what he says to you.. your children are learning from that... and you do not want that.
I used to say that if my X stopped smoking pot everything would end up okay. But I was lying to myself. Deep down I knew there was a problem, but I had so much hope for our relationship to work out that I didn't see all the problems. I lied to myself thru my abusive relationship. I did not want to admit that I was being abused. It is very difficult to admit.
You should not change yourself for this man. Has he done any changing to make you feel better?? NO. Has he stopped abusing you even if he said he would?? NO.
You need to leave this man to save yourself and your children. I can see that he is really getting into your mind. That is what happens with abuser. My abuser screwed with my mind A LOT.
Lauren
I totally agree 100% about the abuser always having the say all the time. The thing that bothers me the most was that my abuser said that I always got my way. He was switching everything around and put the blame on me. I always thought that I bent over backwards for him and I would do anything for him. I still think that I did bend over backwards for him. To save our relationship. He would always tell me that he bends over backwards and I get really whinny and cry-babyish when I don't get my own way. It made me so mad and I still don't understand how he thought this way. He switched everything around on me. So frustrating!!... Just so happy that I am away from him now. His manipulation, his disrespect, his anger, his ways or the highway... well I guess I took the highway!! I am sure glad about that!!!!
Lauren
Absolutely NOT your fault. If he'd been the least bit interested in resolving the situation peacefully, he would have let you do what you needed to do to cool off. I have a pretty big mouth of my own, and my husband always lets me do what I need to do to calm down- never has slapped me yet. I don't think it would occur to him!
May I recommend that you have a look at the board's website, accessible through the link at the top of the Start page? It talks about some myths about abuse, that I think may be of interest to you.