is it my fault?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
is it my fault?
6
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 8:56am
Hi. I'm again feeling guilty for my relationship turning into an abusive one. I visited a counselor today and talked about the trouble I have with my boy friend. She suggested that I should have told him in the first place that I didn't like it when he hit me or verbally abused me although it's wrong for him to hit me in the first place. But I was shocked and numb when he hit me for the first time and then I bega to believe I deserved it because I did something that made him mad. I talked with my boyfriend later on after dinner. He said I'm the one who made him abusive because he never had any problems with other people that everyone around him liked him a lot. He said he wouldn't have hit me if I said it hurt or he scared me. That he thought it was the only way to solve problems between us. Now I feel guilty again. Would it have been different if I had told him not to hit me? Am I overprotecting myself?
Avatar for adryl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: sooyon
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 9:24am

There are many people here who could offer you much more help than I can, but I will do what I can.

This is NOT your fault!!!!! I don't know what kind of counselor you went to, but the first thing I would do is find a new one. It sounds like this one is not trained in domestic violence situations. You are NOT at fault because your abuser chooses to abuse! It would not have been different had you told him not to hit you! Once an abuser realizes something hurts you (physically or emotionally) he will then use that intentionally to hurt you, not to fix the problem. I cannot tell you enough that you need not feel guilty - THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! As for overprotecting yourself - I feel under the circumstances you are underprotecting yourself. Please be careful, and please find a counselor educated in domestic violence.

Adrianne

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
In reply to: sooyon
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 9:41am

No, no, no! It's NOT your fault. Fire that counselor and find one who experienced in counseling victims of abuse. Don't go back for another single session with that counselor. Get the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and read it over and over and over until it starts to sink in.

Why do people hit in the first place? To control, to hurt. OF COURSE they know what they're doing! OF COURSE he knew it would hurt you both physically and emotionally. Now he's doing what all abusers do. He's not taking any responsibility for his own actions, and he's throwing it all back on you.

I went through the same thing. When my ex freaked out on me, I totally blamed myself for it, and he blamed me for it all, too. He said "it takes two." How how how could it take two when I was begging him to stop, begging him to leave, and trying to call 911???

Don't listen to a word your boyfriend says! Don't let any of his words get to you.

There's something seriously wrong with our culture when so many women feel that they deserve to be treated this way. WE DO NOT EVER DESERVE TO BE HIT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2006
In reply to: sooyon
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 9:56am

Whether you are being abused mentally or physically, it is not your fault! You deserve better! Abusers are skilled at manipulation, and justifying every reason in the world they had/have to do something bad to you. People argue and disagree all the time without even coming close to losing control. He has a problem, and you are putting yourself in danger by keeping yourself in this situation. I know how hard it is to get out of a situation like this, bc I am in that situation myself. But the first step is realizing that he is the one with the problem, and that you can't let him convince you otherwise. No reason is good enough to treat someone like that! Keep us posted, and stay safe!

Ceejae

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
In reply to: sooyon
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 11:21am
Nope, NOT your fault. I remember you saying you are in Korea and that the culture there is a little different, which is probably how the counselor even got the idea to say such a thing, but it's not true. Had you told him you didn't like it- and think about it for a minute, just how much effort does it take to figure out someone might not like being hit, without being told?- he'd just have laughed and done it again. He knows he is hurting you, he just doesn't care, because scaring you helps him manipulate. Try and find another counselor- I don't know how much luck you will have over there, but this one is full of it.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
In reply to: sooyon
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 6:51pm
Counselors are taught to help people change their lives by examining the part they played in previous situations.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
In reply to: sooyon
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 8:28am
Thank you all again. I don't know how I would live on without your support and advice. I had a second session today. I didn't have much time yesterday because I was late but today I talked for an hour and the counselor began to understand the behaviors of my boyfriend. But the biggest help I get from the counseling is to be able to pour out all the pain I had stacked up inside me. I also asked for advice on a Korean domestic violence site. They told me the same thing you guys told me. I'm so thankful I found such caring people. Thank you so much! I'll keep in touch.