Is it normal to feel numb?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Is it normal to feel numb?
6
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 5:38pm

hi, I have written on this board a few times about my marriage and I thought that is was starting to get better, but its not. My husband has been deployed for 3 1/2 months overseas and we have fought about everything under the sun since he left. he doesnt like it because I am running around with my friends, having a great time and so on and so forth. Just enjoying life! Nothing wrong with that. Well, today, He says that I am cold hearted and that i dont care anymore. I told him that i do care but I am so tired of the fighting, that I could just throw up. It is literally making me feel like I am going crazy! He will be back home in 3 weeks and I dont know how to handle it.

Just a recap on how thigns are when he is at home. He is always outside drinking(which he says hes not gong to do when he gets home), when he is drinking he likes to call me names and bully me, not all the time but one time is too many. and he denies that he does that. He nags me about everything and over analyzes everything. and calls me 4 to 5 times a day. overall he has been a good provider for mre and my children and we have had some good times, but the burning question is , is that do I love him anymore and want to live this lfe? I am so confused and I feel like my head is spinning. Does anyone have any advice for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 6:44pm

Hi hon, welcome back -


The easy thing for me to say would be leave if you're not happy.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 6:56pm
Hi, thanks for the insight. How do I open my emotions back up? I feel like I have no thoughts or ideas on our marriage because of all the continuous fighting. It is absolutely ridiculous. I love the guy, but he is absolutely driving me crazy. Like today, he called 6 times, I talk to the man more now than when hes at home. Hes like what are you up to and I tell him, then he gets mad and says that I dont care about him and that I am perfectly happy at home without him and so and so forth. And that I dont want him to come home and blah blah blah.,... sorry, I have been hearing this insecutity crap for the last 3 months and i am so tired of it. i know that life is hard over yonder but it is almost over for him so why all the fussing and fighting and carrying on? Just yesterday he said he wanted me out of his house, then he calls back and says he dont mean it. It is totally crazy! It seems like when I am a great mood, he calls and starts with me and then I feel like I am in a bad mood for the rest of the day. this has been going on since he left. What do I do?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 7:27pm

Hugs and welcome back needofhelp. Blue said it well and I want to share what a close friend of mine went through, also a military wife.

While out at sea for 6 months, things went moderately well, of course she had to raise the kids and keep the house and keep her job,,etc. He played some of the same games on her that your husband is doing to you and like you, she loved him dearly. But when he was on shore and back home, her life was miserable, nothing she did was right, how could she do this to him and so on. Finally she had to contact a shelter and she too is in the midst of divorce and trying to regain happiness.

Don't think that it will get better, if it hasn't by now, then he's pulling your strings in all the right directions to keep you under his control if he's there or not. You do not deserve to live like this.

Make the list like Blue suggested, I would warn you to not try couples or marriage counseling as more times than not this makes it worse as he will hear everything on your mind and will say anything to keep from looking bad in front of anyone. If you seek counseling, do it one on one and only with someone trained in abuse. Shelter's can help you find one near you. Shelters also offer many resources beyond safe haven as with possible financial, legal and counseling. I still call them even after all the time I've been free and they are still more than happy to answer my questions.

You can call the National Abuse Hotline and talk to someone there. They will most likely give you a number to call near you. You can also find help through the base as this is not an uncommon problem. Talk to those only who are trained in abuse, as they will be able to give you your options, suggestions on how to try again if you want too, but also will give you somewhere to turn to if you need too. The number for the National Abuse Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, and they are there 24/7.

You do not have to open up to anyone who makes you feel uneasy or tries to pry the information out of you. This is not how it works. But do look into what YOUR options are in all this. It will offer to you numbers and contacts that you may want to call in the future.

I do hope you find your peace and happiness in your life. No one deserves to be held emotionally hostage by anyone. It's hard and it's no fun, but once you find help, you will also find a degree of relief knowing that they are there for you if you need them.

I also invite you to our Sunday evening chats, 7 to 9pm EST here on this board. It will give you live chat with many of us who have been where you are and hopefully we can help you then also. Keep posting, venting, asking here as you are no longer alone in all this. You have found here a wonderful network and community of those where you are, seeking help in leaving, and those of us like me who have been free of abuse for many years.

Just know that that knowledge will be your best defense. Read all you can on the homepage, check the links, call shelters and other DV resources. Being able to make educated decisions will help you more than trying to make emotinal ones. Knowledge will be your closet friend in all this.

Hugs and I hope this helps and I hope we see you here more.

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 7:58pm
Hi there, it is nice to hear from people who have been there done that. It is so difficult to be in this situation. sometimes i think that I just want to walk out and others I need to try to make it work for kids. My daughter adores him! But right now, and alot of our marriage, he has driven me crazy. Sometimes I think there is something wrong with him. He is a true Jekyl/Hyde. One minute he is nice andsweet and the next he is complaining and carrying on. What is going on amd how do i deal with it? Alss I know right now is that I am not happy and sometimes I feel like I need to be on medicine to deal with him. Its not a secret, I have already told him this and he thinks that I am the one whos crazy. He also doesnt like the independence that I have found since he has been gone. He thinks that its nuts that i have changed since he has left, but I think that it is that I have grown up and found myself and I feellike I am getting back to the person that I used to be, sort of a free spirit. Havent felt that way for awhile! But I have a feeling that will all coming crashing down when he gets home. how do you deal?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 8:14pm

The best thing is to just take one situation at a time and be careful.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 8:24pm

You guys are Great! The kids are doing well, since it is alot calmer since he left. But they are kids and enjoy doing their own things! My home seems to be very relaxed and calm since he is not here. I know that is a horrible thing to say but its true. Sd but true! I will be posting more, i just feel like I am whining. i try to talk to my friends but they pretty much just chalk it up as a man being a man! Not normal in my opinion. I guess what it all boils down to is that now I feel llike a person having a nice life and I shoudnt be criticized for going to the gym(who you trying to impress)he says or seeing my friends (without feeling guilty about leaving the kids) or anything else I may do that floats my boat. Thanks for listening.

Ps not only 6 calls a day but tons of emails too. Yikes!!!!!!!!!!