Is it possible for abuse to be temporary

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Is it possible for abuse to be temporary
10
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 4:58pm
Can an abuser just stop abusing? I know they say that less than 1% will be cured. But there's a lot of abusers out there & I'm sure more than just 1% can stop can't they? I dunno, I'm very confused on all of this.

I've been married for 5 yrs. Together for 6. The physical abuse started 6 mos after we started dating & just 3 wks after we moved into our 1st place together. In hindsight I see that there were many red flags early on but I was young & in a weird place in my own life. I was estranged from my family & had no real support of any kind & my H came & literally swept me off my feet.

After the 1st physical incident (he pulled my hair, pushed me to the floor & spit in my face)the abuse was a wkly ritual. He of course cried & said he was so sorry & he'd quit drinking. I believed it for all the wrong reasons. The abuse continued like that til we were married. When we married the abuse became worse. He choked me, kept me in long sleeves at the beach thru summer (too many bruises to dare wear a shortsleeve!), spit in my face, gave me a black eye, threw me around, etc.

All the while my family who is a mess anyway just stood by & watched. My uncle was a major drug addict at the time & we were all focused on him (he also found out he had AIDS during this time). So I just kept staying in denial, hiding my bruises, telling excuses.

I finally left him & moved out after our 1 yr wedding anniversary & the biggest & darkest black eye ever. But I knew nothing of abuse except for what I read during the whole OJ thing. So everytime my H came crying telling me he was changed I fell for it. I was out for 3 mos before he got me back due to his being diagnosed with Cancer.

During this time I became pregnant. After many miscarriages I felt this was my last chance to have a child. So I kept the news to myself. I knew then that I couldn't be with my H anymore. Well he found out about the baby. Threatened to take the baby if I left him. So once I was pregnant the abuse became more verbal & emotional & no more pushing or hitting.

I almost died having my DD literally (very bad Toxemia) & it was very hard since my H had moved me far away from my family & hometown when I was 30 wks pregnant. I ended up having a preemie at 34 wks & she was transferred to a hospital 50 miles away at the NICU for 3 wks.

When she finally came home I was totally focused on her & was very sick still from the Toxemia. My H physically abused me again when I was holding my baby at 7 wks old.

From that point I took the baby & we splept in the spare room from then on out(it was to be her room anyhow). After that my H continued with the verbal, emotional, financial abuse. He wouldn't hit but do everything else & have me just as terrified.

Each time I've said I was leaving he threatens to take my baby. So the last time he actually physically has abused me was at the end of 2001. But he has cornered me, spit in my face & pulled my hair since then. But no more hitting/pushing.

The last "rage"of his was for 2 days & it was at the end of March, after I returned from a month away w/my family. But when I told him I was sick of this & wanted a divorce finally he all of a sudden has been better. He's claimed to "quit" drinking at least 6 times since then. (Even wrote a whole note promising to quit drinking after the 2 day rage.) His drinking has been an issue since we were dating. Even my DD who is 3 knows what a BUD beercan looks like & what it is. ;-(

I know this is the Honeymoon Stage but what about the physical abuse? Is it possible that the physical has just stopped? It's now been about 2 1/2 yrs.

I got a bad bruise on my arm when in the pool with my DD a few days ago. Yesterday my DD asks me if I got that bruise from her dad? My heart dropped. I'm not sure if this is a normal response from a curious 3 yr old. I don't have much experience with a 3 y old. But is it possible my DD has seen something when she was a baby? Like I said my H hasn't hit me since she was about 1(but I was holding her). But he has spit in my face, slammed doors, called me very bad names in front of her, locked he & her in a room so I can't get there, etc.

I was for certain I was leaving him last year. But stuff came up & now we seem to get along. We do bicker because he is so narrow-minded & I'm VERY liberal & progressive. He is 11 yrs older & a stick in the mud! Is it possible that now that we just get along better& can read each other better that the physical abuse is not needed now?

I do still get a butterfly flitter whenever he comes home & has been at the bar (at least 5x a wk). But now when he's in a "fighting mood" so to speak, I take my DD & we leave in the car for a few hrs. It's been working but he does still act out in front of my DD in an inappropaite way til I get us out of here.

I feel a saftey with him though. How sick is that? But he's been one of the most loyal people in my life the past 6 yrs. My family is there but it's a weird type of family...long story.

We're moving back to my hometown in October!!! We'll be back near my family (the ones that are the closest! And my childhood bestfriend). This time it'll be very different. I want to resume my old life as much as I can. I miss going places & seeing my family/fiends. I also miss working & am looking forward to DD starting preschool so I can work again! All this may not go over to well with the H. The past 3 yrs he's had me so isolated. Near his family that is VERY disfunctional & makes mine look like the BRady bunch.) So now I will not be hundreds of miles away. I will be able to do stuff. I did before but wasn't clear on what I wanted & took my family for granted. This time I know how lucky I am & want to embrace them & just life in general. (Feel like I've become a lost soul since H came into my life.) I'm in need of some serious soul searching...

Maybe if I'm happy with myself again & happy in my location my H & I will have a better chance? Since the abuse seems to have stopped if I was happy we'd probably be great. Only problem, I'm not passionately in love with him anymore & care about him in a strange, orphan kind of way. Does that sound scrambled?

Well I didn't mean to turn this into a novel. I'm really sorry!!! thanx so much for taking the time to read this! Any words on my post would be great. I so need some outside input. Happy 4th of July!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 2:49am
Please anybody please respond! I'm going crazy with all this on my mind & no one to talk to that actually understands. I don't know what to do, to think, etc. I need some outside support from women that also have been thru (or are going thru) what I have & am. I really would appreciate any advice. Thanx for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 7:37am
Fate:

Hang in there for a response. The "veterans", so to speak, on this board will respond to you. They can give you really good advice and input into this situation. I can only tell you from my past experience. Is abuse temporary? NOOOOOO!!!! I lived with my H for 26 years, and his emotional abuse never went away. I left him a month ago and it still continues. He never was physical with me, only on occasion at the beginning of our relationship; but he gets violent and in rage when he's angry. Sometimes that scares me and I just stay away from him or not talk to him. He stopped drinking 15 years ago and started again too. An abuser is an abuser. There's a book out there that Cheryl recommends that I haven't gotten yet about "why men do what they do". I forget the title though, and it's on one of these messages or check the support at the front of the board.

Hang in there for Cheryl to respond or one of the other supporters. I'm kind of new to this board myself, but stay with us. It really helps. It helped me tremendously. I've gotta go to work. I'll check back later and maybe have more info if there's still no response. Remember, you are not alone.

Hugs!

Happy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 9:34am
Hi, Miss. I'm delurking to offer hugs and encouragement. (I'm usually on the New Beginnings board and Surviving Divorce.)

My advice would be to call a domestic violence shelter. The counselors/advocates can help you sort through all this, document everything, and do what you need to do. They can answer your questions about your daughter. Chances are with his history of physical abuse he won't have a decent chance in court. Ask the DV advocate.

As for the physical abuse being over, it's not. Cornering you is a way of saying, "I could do anything now if I chose to." That's physical abuse. Spitting violates YOUR body. That's physical abuse. Pulling hair hurts. That's physical abuse. It doesn't stop.

I have to run, my kids need help with something. I wish you the very best. Take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 5:52pm
Fate:

Go to the Board Homepage...top right of very first page listing messages. You'll find much needed and useful information there. Hang in (not with him, with us!!!)

Happy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 1:55pm
Fate

You have put up with more then one woman should. I understand your loving him and the fact that he has been there for you. I was with my stbxh for 8 years before we got married. We were married just under two years when I left him. I am only 26, but what I have been through has made me feel much older. He too has a serious drinking problem.I finally left him this Jan after my children, 5 and 7, witnessed him pinning me on the bed and choking me. He then chased me out of the house and I fell and hit my head on the sidewalk. I too was isolated from my family, it was all about him and his family. It feels like you can't live without him or make it alone, but it can be done. I now have my own apt with my girls and an now expecting another child, with a man who would never concider hurting me, in any way. Please think about your options. Feelfree to email me girley1219@yahoo.com if you need to.

Christina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 5:10pm
Thank you so much Happy for the kind words & encouragement! It really means a lot to me. :) I will definitely keep reading the info on the homepage & all the other posts. I feel like I'm finally finding other women that can relate to me & my situation! Thanx again for replying to my lost, rambling post!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 5:21pm
Thank you gonnabefine for the encouragement & advice on the DV shelters. Only problem is that my H has moved us to a very remote area with the closest town being 44 miles away. (Believe me this has been rough for me since I've always lived in big cities! Hence the reason why I'm SO excited about us moving back this October!) My car is pretty reliable for the most part but I usually just drive it to the grocery store & to my DD's playgroup cuz I'm afraid it'll break down on me (it's 11 yrs old).

I didn't realize that "cornering" me is considered abuse...I just thought it was plain rude! This opens my eyes to many other things now.

As far as my DD, I don't have any police reports documenting the abuse except once. But no arrest was made (why I have NO idea). I do have witnesses to the abuse & 2 that was there as it happened. But that was yrs ago. How can I prove my H is abusive? I don't even know how I can prove he's an alcoholic? I'm sure if the courts said they'd test him he'd stop drinking since he stops on the wknd since I don't like him being drunk around DD.

I will keep reading the info on the homepage though. Hopefully I'll find a way for my Dd & I to leave him. Thanx again for the support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 5:22pm
Thanx for this tip & I am definitely reading the info on the homepage now. There is so much on there that I can say YES to. It's very scarry & sad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 5:28pm
Wow! I am so proud of you! It's great that you have got out & are starting a whole new life! Gosh I dream of that for my Dd & I. How has it been as far custody of your children with your ex? I'm so scared that my H willget my DD "50%" as he says. He's never even watched my DD for more than 2 hrs & that's not even that often.

Thanx for the support, it means a lot to me. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 9:13am
I filed my divorce papers June 15, but he won't even concider signing them so I am gonna have to let the state serve him. AS far as the custody and visitation, he gets the kids usually only on Sat afternoons and keepsthem overnight. Sometimes he keeps them till Sunday evenings and sometimes he brings them home early. We get along better now then we did together. He is taking classes, anger managment, spouse abuse, and drug and alchol classes. I am not sure if they are working, but I do see a small change, but not enough to go back. I am pg by someone else and that is just another issue for him to throw at me and I won't deal with it. My life is really starting to get better. When I left, I had no clue HOW I was gonna make it without him. It took me about 3-4 months to realize that I could go on without him in my life. I still love him, but I am not IN love with him anymore. He was a part of my life for over 10 years, some good but a lot of bad too. I do miss our good times but then I think of the control he had on me and I know why I left. He still tries to control me in little ways, even now. I didn't mention he is bipolar, which makes the situation even harder. What got me through it was reading books on abuse. The book by Lundy was really good. Also a book called "It's My Life Now". I still read that one. No one can say what the future holds for us, but right now this is the best for me, my kids and even for him. He wants to get back together, maybe, if he could prove he was a totally changed person, but I seriously doubt that will happen. Like I said, email me if you need to talk or whatever. I don't post much on this board anymore, but I do lurk alot and post to a few. Good luck.\

Christina

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