Is it possible for abuse to be temporary
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Is it possible for abuse to be temporary
| Fri, 07-02-2004 - 4:58pm |
Can an abuser just stop abusing? I know they say that less than 1% will be cured. But there's a lot of abusers out there & I'm sure more than just 1% can stop can't they? I dunno, I'm very confused on all of this.
I've been married for 5 yrs. Together for 6. The physical abuse started 6 mos after we started dating & just 3 wks after we moved into our 1st place together. In hindsight I see that there were many red flags early on but I was young & in a weird place in my own life. I was estranged from my family & had no real support of any kind & my H came & literally swept me off my feet.
After the 1st physical incident (he pulled my hair, pushed me to the floor & spit in my face)the abuse was a wkly ritual. He of course cried & said he was so sorry & he'd quit drinking. I believed it for all the wrong reasons. The abuse continued like that til we were married. When we married the abuse became worse. He choked me, kept me in long sleeves at the beach thru summer (too many bruises to dare wear a shortsleeve!), spit in my face, gave me a black eye, threw me around, etc.
All the while my family who is a mess anyway just stood by & watched. My uncle was a major drug addict at the time & we were all focused on him (he also found out he had AIDS during this time). So I just kept staying in denial, hiding my bruises, telling excuses.
I finally left him & moved out after our 1 yr wedding anniversary & the biggest & darkest black eye ever. But I knew nothing of abuse except for what I read during the whole OJ thing. So everytime my H came crying telling me he was changed I fell for it. I was out for 3 mos before he got me back due to his being diagnosed with Cancer.
During this time I became pregnant. After many miscarriages I felt this was my last chance to have a child. So I kept the news to myself. I knew then that I couldn't be with my H anymore. Well he found out about the baby. Threatened to take the baby if I left him. So once I was pregnant the abuse became more verbal & emotional & no more pushing or hitting.
I almost died having my DD literally (very bad Toxemia) & it was very hard since my H had moved me far away from my family & hometown when I was 30 wks pregnant. I ended up having a preemie at 34 wks & she was transferred to a hospital 50 miles away at the NICU for 3 wks.
When she finally came home I was totally focused on her & was very sick still from the Toxemia. My H physically abused me again when I was holding my baby at 7 wks old.
From that point I took the baby & we splept in the spare room from then on out(it was to be her room anyhow). After that my H continued with the verbal, emotional, financial abuse. He wouldn't hit but do everything else & have me just as terrified.
Each time I've said I was leaving he threatens to take my baby. So the last time he actually physically has abused me was at the end of 2001. But he has cornered me, spit in my face & pulled my hair since then. But no more hitting/pushing.
The last "rage"of his was for 2 days & it was at the end of March, after I returned from a month away w/my family. But when I told him I was sick of this & wanted a divorce finally he all of a sudden has been better. He's claimed to "quit" drinking at least 6 times since then. (Even wrote a whole note promising to quit drinking after the 2 day rage.) His drinking has been an issue since we were dating. Even my DD who is 3 knows what a BUD beercan looks like & what it is. ;-(
I know this is the Honeymoon Stage but what about the physical abuse? Is it possible that the physical has just stopped? It's now been about 2 1/2 yrs.
I got a bad bruise on my arm when in the pool with my DD a few days ago. Yesterday my DD asks me if I got that bruise from her dad? My heart dropped. I'm not sure if this is a normal response from a curious 3 yr old. I don't have much experience with a 3 y old. But is it possible my DD has seen something when she was a baby? Like I said my H hasn't hit me since she was about 1(but I was holding her). But he has spit in my face, slammed doors, called me very bad names in front of her, locked he & her in a room so I can't get there, etc.
I was for certain I was leaving him last year. But stuff came up & now we seem to get along. We do bicker because he is so narrow-minded & I'm VERY liberal & progressive. He is 11 yrs older & a stick in the mud! Is it possible that now that we just get along better& can read each other better that the physical abuse is not needed now?
I do still get a butterfly flitter whenever he comes home & has been at the bar (at least 5x a wk). But now when he's in a "fighting mood" so to speak, I take my DD & we leave in the car for a few hrs. It's been working but he does still act out in front of my DD in an inappropaite way til I get us out of here.
I feel a saftey with him though. How sick is that? But he's been one of the most loyal people in my life the past 6 yrs. My family is there but it's a weird type of family...long story.
We're moving back to my hometown in October!!! We'll be back near my family (the ones that are the closest! And my childhood bestfriend). This time it'll be very different. I want to resume my old life as much as I can. I miss going places & seeing my family/fiends. I also miss working & am looking forward to DD starting preschool so I can work again! All this may not go over to well with the H. The past 3 yrs he's had me so isolated. Near his family that is VERY disfunctional & makes mine look like the BRady bunch.) So now I will not be hundreds of miles away. I will be able to do stuff. I did before but wasn't clear on what I wanted & took my family for granted. This time I know how lucky I am & want to embrace them & just life in general. (Feel like I've become a lost soul since H came into my life.) I'm in need of some serious soul searching...
Maybe if I'm happy with myself again & happy in my location my H & I will have a better chance? Since the abuse seems to have stopped if I was happy we'd probably be great. Only problem, I'm not passionately in love with him anymore & care about him in a strange, orphan kind of way. Does that sound scrambled?
Well I didn't mean to turn this into a novel. I'm really sorry!!! thanx so much for taking the time to read this! Any words on my post would be great. I so need some outside input. Happy 4th of July!
I've been married for 5 yrs. Together for 6. The physical abuse started 6 mos after we started dating & just 3 wks after we moved into our 1st place together. In hindsight I see that there were many red flags early on but I was young & in a weird place in my own life. I was estranged from my family & had no real support of any kind & my H came & literally swept me off my feet.
After the 1st physical incident (he pulled my hair, pushed me to the floor & spit in my face)the abuse was a wkly ritual. He of course cried & said he was so sorry & he'd quit drinking. I believed it for all the wrong reasons. The abuse continued like that til we were married. When we married the abuse became worse. He choked me, kept me in long sleeves at the beach thru summer (too many bruises to dare wear a shortsleeve!), spit in my face, gave me a black eye, threw me around, etc.
All the while my family who is a mess anyway just stood by & watched. My uncle was a major drug addict at the time & we were all focused on him (he also found out he had AIDS during this time). So I just kept staying in denial, hiding my bruises, telling excuses.
I finally left him & moved out after our 1 yr wedding anniversary & the biggest & darkest black eye ever. But I knew nothing of abuse except for what I read during the whole OJ thing. So everytime my H came crying telling me he was changed I fell for it. I was out for 3 mos before he got me back due to his being diagnosed with Cancer.
During this time I became pregnant. After many miscarriages I felt this was my last chance to have a child. So I kept the news to myself. I knew then that I couldn't be with my H anymore. Well he found out about the baby. Threatened to take the baby if I left him. So once I was pregnant the abuse became more verbal & emotional & no more pushing or hitting.
I almost died having my DD literally (very bad Toxemia) & it was very hard since my H had moved me far away from my family & hometown when I was 30 wks pregnant. I ended up having a preemie at 34 wks & she was transferred to a hospital 50 miles away at the NICU for 3 wks.
When she finally came home I was totally focused on her & was very sick still from the Toxemia. My H physically abused me again when I was holding my baby at 7 wks old.
From that point I took the baby & we splept in the spare room from then on out(it was to be her room anyhow). After that my H continued with the verbal, emotional, financial abuse. He wouldn't hit but do everything else & have me just as terrified.
Each time I've said I was leaving he threatens to take my baby. So the last time he actually physically has abused me was at the end of 2001. But he has cornered me, spit in my face & pulled my hair since then. But no more hitting/pushing.
The last "rage"of his was for 2 days & it was at the end of March, after I returned from a month away w/my family. But when I told him I was sick of this & wanted a divorce finally he all of a sudden has been better. He's claimed to "quit" drinking at least 6 times since then. (Even wrote a whole note promising to quit drinking after the 2 day rage.) His drinking has been an issue since we were dating. Even my DD who is 3 knows what a BUD beercan looks like & what it is. ;-(
I know this is the Honeymoon Stage but what about the physical abuse? Is it possible that the physical has just stopped? It's now been about 2 1/2 yrs.
I got a bad bruise on my arm when in the pool with my DD a few days ago. Yesterday my DD asks me if I got that bruise from her dad? My heart dropped. I'm not sure if this is a normal response from a curious 3 yr old. I don't have much experience with a 3 y old. But is it possible my DD has seen something when she was a baby? Like I said my H hasn't hit me since she was about 1(but I was holding her). But he has spit in my face, slammed doors, called me very bad names in front of her, locked he & her in a room so I can't get there, etc.
I was for certain I was leaving him last year. But stuff came up & now we seem to get along. We do bicker because he is so narrow-minded & I'm VERY liberal & progressive. He is 11 yrs older & a stick in the mud! Is it possible that now that we just get along better& can read each other better that the physical abuse is not needed now?
I do still get a butterfly flitter whenever he comes home & has been at the bar (at least 5x a wk). But now when he's in a "fighting mood" so to speak, I take my DD & we leave in the car for a few hrs. It's been working but he does still act out in front of my DD in an inappropaite way til I get us out of here.
I feel a saftey with him though. How sick is that? But he's been one of the most loyal people in my life the past 6 yrs. My family is there but it's a weird type of family...long story.
We're moving back to my hometown in October!!! We'll be back near my family (the ones that are the closest! And my childhood bestfriend). This time it'll be very different. I want to resume my old life as much as I can. I miss going places & seeing my family/fiends. I also miss working & am looking forward to DD starting preschool so I can work again! All this may not go over to well with the H. The past 3 yrs he's had me so isolated. Near his family that is VERY disfunctional & makes mine look like the BRady bunch.) So now I will not be hundreds of miles away. I will be able to do stuff. I did before but wasn't clear on what I wanted & took my family for granted. This time I know how lucky I am & want to embrace them & just life in general. (Feel like I've become a lost soul since H came into my life.) I'm in need of some serious soul searching...
Maybe if I'm happy with myself again & happy in my location my H & I will have a better chance? Since the abuse seems to have stopped if I was happy we'd probably be great. Only problem, I'm not passionately in love with him anymore & care about him in a strange, orphan kind of way. Does that sound scrambled?
Well I didn't mean to turn this into a novel. I'm really sorry!!! thanx so much for taking the time to read this! Any words on my post would be great. I so need some outside input. Happy 4th of July!

Hang in there for a response. The "veterans", so to speak, on this board will respond to you. They can give you really good advice and input into this situation. I can only tell you from my past experience. Is abuse temporary? NOOOOOO!!!! I lived with my H for 26 years, and his emotional abuse never went away. I left him a month ago and it still continues. He never was physical with me, only on occasion at the beginning of our relationship; but he gets violent and in rage when he's angry. Sometimes that scares me and I just stay away from him or not talk to him. He stopped drinking 15 years ago and started again too. An abuser is an abuser. There's a book out there that Cheryl recommends that I haven't gotten yet about "why men do what they do". I forget the title though, and it's on one of these messages or check the support at the front of the board.
Hang in there for Cheryl to respond or one of the other supporters. I'm kind of new to this board myself, but stay with us. It really helps. It helped me tremendously. I've gotta go to work. I'll check back later and maybe have more info if there's still no response. Remember, you are not alone.
Hugs!
Happy!
My advice would be to call a domestic violence shelter. The counselors/advocates can help you sort through all this, document everything, and do what you need to do. They can answer your questions about your daughter. Chances are with his history of physical abuse he won't have a decent chance in court. Ask the DV advocate.
As for the physical abuse being over, it's not. Cornering you is a way of saying, "I could do anything now if I chose to." That's physical abuse. Spitting violates YOUR body. That's physical abuse. Pulling hair hurts. That's physical abuse. It doesn't stop.
I have to run, my kids need help with something. I wish you the very best. Take care of yourself.
Go to the Board Homepage...top right of very first page listing messages. You'll find much needed and useful information there. Hang in (not with him, with us!!!)
Happy!
You have put up with more then one woman should. I understand your loving him and the fact that he has been there for you. I was with my stbxh for 8 years before we got married. We were married just under two years when I left him. I am only 26, but what I have been through has made me feel much older. He too has a serious drinking problem.I finally left him this Jan after my children, 5 and 7, witnessed him pinning me on the bed and choking me. He then chased me out of the house and I fell and hit my head on the sidewalk. I too was isolated from my family, it was all about him and his family. It feels like you can't live without him or make it alone, but it can be done. I now have my own apt with my girls and an now expecting another child, with a man who would never concider hurting me, in any way. Please think about your options. Feelfree to email me girley1219@yahoo.com if you need to.
Christina
I didn't realize that "cornering" me is considered abuse...I just thought it was plain rude! This opens my eyes to many other things now.
As far as my DD, I don't have any police reports documenting the abuse except once. But no arrest was made (why I have NO idea). I do have witnesses to the abuse & 2 that was there as it happened. But that was yrs ago. How can I prove my H is abusive? I don't even know how I can prove he's an alcoholic? I'm sure if the courts said they'd test him he'd stop drinking since he stops on the wknd since I don't like him being drunk around DD.
I will keep reading the info on the homepage though. Hopefully I'll find a way for my Dd & I to leave him. Thanx again for the support!
Thanx for the support, it means a lot to me. :)
Christina