Is it possible to change...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Is it possible to change...
4
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 4:08pm

My emotionally abusive husband and I got into another yelling match. He repeatedly called me a whore in front of his best friend and told his bf to go f**k me in the other room b/c I am such a whore and blah, blah blah..... (I forgot to mention that my 7 year old daughter heard everything from her bedroom). Well, that night and for the next couple of days, he kept saying that it was over and he was leaving. And you know what... I did not shed a tear. His bf defended me and kept saying "have a little respect... she's your wife". Then he went on to tell me that I didn't deserve to be treated like this.. and I DON'T!!!!! I HAVE BEEN 100% FAITHFUL AND LOVING....

Well, after a few days, he did the whole crying and I love you and let's go to counseling act. I caved. I actually believed that he recognized how he hurt me. He admitted to being abusive, admitted that it was wrong and swore that he would never do it again. It's been about three weeks now and I see it emerging in subtle ways. he hasn't called me names, but makes comments like "people like you" and "I should've listed to what people say about you". He also said that he doesn't think counseling will help. he says I can just talk to him about it and then we can forget that it ever happened. Well, it's not that easy. I can't just forget and accept his apology and hope that he never does it again. he has repeatedly said the same things. it's been at least once a month for the past 1.5 years. Am I supposed to take him back, and then sit around waiting for the next war to break out? He keeps saying that he can change without counseling.... I don't know if I can believe him. My heart is telling me stick it out, but my head is saying that I'd be a fool, that it's just an abusive cycle and he won't change until he gets professional help.

I am at a loss.... Do I listen to my heart or head? Can they change without counseling.

JEN

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 4:47pm

Hi star,
Sorry but I couldn't help but respond to your post.What your H did to you is one of the most degrading things I have ever heard. I'm so sorry you had to go through that,and even more sorry that your very young and impressionable DD had to hear it. There's simply NO excuse for it.
In answer to your question,I personally have NEVER seen an abusive man change, WITH or WITHOUT counceling.Nor have I ever even heard of one changing.(That's just me though.)
Alot of women get sucked into "marriage counceling" when their partner is abusive.This is a bad idea IMO. Afterall, HE is the one with the problem,not YOU. You did not make him the way that he is,nor can you do anything to change it. My H went to anger management counceling TWICE, and it didnt help a thing.
I hope I have been of some help to you,my heart goes out to you and your DD.
Stay safe and keep posting.

Serenity

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 4:56pm
Just remembered,
There's a post under NEWS AND RESOURCES I would like you to read called "Regular Counseling vs DV Counseling " by CL-wishful. Hope this helps!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 9:27pm

Sorry for the hat ladies but I am just too darned tired to log off and log back in again without the "CL".


Star, as being one of the former CL's of this board, I see your story a lot on here by other posters.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 11:42pm
Can they change? With counseling, maybe, though in the many years of experience of the present and former CLs of this board exactly ONE abuser out of literally thousands has done so. Without counseling? HECK NO. It is very telling, actually, that he won't go. If he really wanted to change, don't you think he'd move heaven and earth and do whatever it took to do so? Just some food for thought. Check out Wishful's links to learn more.
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