Is it REALLY verbal & emotional abuse??
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Is it REALLY verbal & emotional abuse??
| Sun, 03-18-2007 - 12:22am |
I have been reading a little bit about emotional abuse and it really seems to fit my 5 year marriage. I had thought many of our issues were the 20 year age difference, the 6 year old child, and life in general. But here goes about my situation: It has been many months since my husband has kissed me (he knows I like affection), but yet he wants sex at least 5 times a week--and there are sexual perversions of wanting me to be with one of his friends or watching me perform. I'll try to talk to him about how his day was, or how mine was and I get one of these 2 responses: "What the F*** are you talking about" or silence like he doesn't hear me. He constantly tells me to move out. He says he will fight for and win custody of out child. He tells me that I use people and I am the one with the problem. He belittles the way my parents raised me (which to me was a loving household). He tries to tell me that I have issues because "something happened to me in my childhood". He won't talk about emotions, or lack of affection. To me, after researching emotional abuse, I feel that he is definately an abuser. What do you all think? And what should I do (keeping in mind that all this is my fault and he won't do counseling)?? Thank you.....

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Welcome to the board gloomysunshine :o)
Okay, of what you have posted, it sounds like he turns and twists a lot of the stories around. Always blaming you for the problems and it is never his fault... which is actually the opposite with abusers. They are the problem, but they never see it that way.. it is always someone elses fault.. it is never theirs. Do you recognize that in your relationship with him? "He belittles the way my parents raised me (which to me was a loving household)"
Hi. I came to this site not so long ago my self. I too have the 20 yr age gap and the kids from our marriage. It almost sounds like we could be married to the same man.
Keep posting on this board. It will give you alot of clarity and strength. it has dodne alot for me and has answered many questions that I too thought were the age gap.
hugs
Angel
Are you still with the older man? Does it ever get easier, or are you telling me that the age and generation gap has nothing to do with his poor attitude?
First of all, if something did happen to you in your childhood, which I don't know! A husband should never use that against his wife, real or not! This about your post bothers me the most b/c if something did happen and you shared it in confidence, he has used it to hurt and disegard your feelings. If nothing has happened to you to traumatize you, he is creating this to hurt and disregard your feelings, either way, blaming you. Neither one of these is acceptable, it's painful!
He's definitely intimidating you, by threatening to take custody, telling you to leave. Both of those threats common in my relationship. You're in the right place, and great for you! Cause you had to be very strong to reach out this way! I'd take Lauren's advice, check out the board site. I was here awhile back, what helped me the most was reading everyones posts, checking the board site, and eventually seeking out my local DV counselor. I don't know your situation, but they have so many helpful resources. If you haven't been in counseling for yourself, your DV center will offer counseling at the very least.
Keep in touch!
Beth
I am still married to DH. I dont know you or your Dh, but mine let his true colors come through AFTER we were married. I have believed this last half of my marriage that he is more of a control freak now, because i grew up on him. Im no longer the novility, or the arm candy. Im just a middle aged mom.
In answer to your question, no. It has not gotten easier. If nothing else the aging process has made things worse. DH is 64 and when he uses the excuse "I forgot" or" you didnt say that," Im left wonder how much is the abuse and how much could be the start of memory gliches.
I believe they pick us younger ones because they think we are easier to mold and control. When they wake up and realize that we are tougher than they thought, they have small children and they want to retire, then i think it seem to escalate. It has for me. I have felt that he has been blaming me for his not being able to go and do what he wants, like retiring.
I feel for you because Im there.
hugs
Angel
Hi,
I agree, he is abusive and manipulative. His attempts to distort the truth about your life, even aspects that he wasn't a part of, is really disturbing. I think counseling will really help you feel more grounded and sane. My ex is a lot like yours (and only 2 years older than me).
The age gap does not explain or excuse abuse. Sometimes abusive men like to marry younger women because they feel younger women are more easy to control and manipulate. But not all relationships with age difference are like that. My parents had a bigger age gap than you and your husband, and my dad (who was older) was sweet and loving with her always, even when she went through resentful phases (I do think she eventually regretted choosing to marry an older man). Simply put, in relationships with or without age difference, abusers are abusers and non-abusers are not. Age, and other issues, doesn't give people an excuse to treat others badly.
I wish you the best.
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