Is it REALLY verbal & emotional abuse??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2007
Is it REALLY verbal & emotional abuse??
12
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 12:22am
I have been reading a little bit about emotional abuse and it really seems to fit my 5 year marriage. I had thought many of our issues were the 20 year age difference, the 6 year old child, and life in general. But here goes about my situation: It has been many months since my husband has kissed me (he knows I like affection), but yet he wants sex at least 5 times a week--and there are sexual perversions of wanting me to be with one of his friends or watching me perform. I'll try to talk to him about how his day was, or how mine was and I get one of these 2 responses: "What the F*** are you talking about" or silence like he doesn't hear me. He constantly tells me to move out. He says he will fight for and win custody of out child. He tells me that I use people and I am the one with the problem. He belittles the way my parents raised me (which to me was a loving household). He tries to tell me that I have issues because "something happened to me in my childhood". He won't talk about emotions, or lack of affection. To me, after researching emotional abuse, I feel that he is definately an abuser. What do you all think? And what should I do (keeping in mind that all this is my fault and he won't do counseling)?? Thank you.....

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 11:02pm

Welcome to the board gloomysunshine :o)


Okay, of what you have posted, it sounds like he turns and twists a lot of the stories around. Always blaming you for the problems and it is never his fault... which is actually the opposite with abusers. They are the problem, but they never see it that way.. it is always someone elses fault.. it is never theirs. Do you recognize that in your relationship with him? "He belittles the way my parents raised me (which to me was a loving household)"

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 6:48pm

Hi. I came to this site not so long ago my self. I too have the 20 yr age gap and the kids from our marriage. It almost sounds like we could be married to the same man.

Keep posting on this board. It will give you alot of clarity and strength. it has dodne alot for me and has answered many questions that I too thought were the age gap.

hugs
Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2007
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 9:11pm
Angel,
Are you still with the older man? Does it ever get easier, or are you telling me that the age and generation gap has nothing to do with his poor attitude?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 11:31pm

First of all, if something did happen to you in your childhood, which I don't know! A husband should never use that against his wife, real or not! This about your post bothers me the most b/c if something did happen and you shared it in confidence, he has used it to hurt and disegard your feelings. If nothing has happened to you to traumatize you, he is creating this to hurt and disregard your feelings, either way, blaming you. Neither one of these is acceptable, it's painful!

He's definitely intimidating you, by threatening to take custody, telling you to leave. Both of those threats common in my relationship. You're in the right place, and great for you! Cause you had to be very strong to reach out this way! I'd take Lauren's advice, check out the board site. I was here awhile back, what helped me the most was reading everyones posts, checking the board site, and eventually seeking out my local DV counselor. I don't know your situation, but they have so many helpful resources. If you haven't been in counseling for yourself, your DV center will offer counseling at the very least.

Keep in touch!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 8:01pm
Oh my gosh! your story was so like my life....our problems are because my parents spoiled me and I was a selfish brat...."something happened to me in my childhood" is EXACTLY what he told me on a regular basis....I began to wonder if something really did and I had blocked it out???It took a long time for me to realize that I wasn't the crazy one.....If I tried to talk to him about his day....I was "checking up on him" and he didn't have to check in with me throughout the day or report his business to me...I just filed divorce and I am really having issues because I didn't think it was 'that bad'.....until it got worse and worse....he used drugs and was very unpredictable....but the control started years ago....what he said was the WORD and I didn't dare question it....trust him...everything that he used to accuse me of and yell at me about were the EXACT behaviors that he displayed...not me....it was so bizarre....we have no children together but he always threatened to move out and put the house for sale so he could get his share...although he contributed NOTHING....it was his weapon b/c he knew I needed the house and couldn't afford to move...my lawyer is currently laughing at this....he doesn't stand a chance...I questioned for a long time if this was verbal/emotional abuse....made excuses...thought I was overreacting...I must've instigated it...he was really sorry....he'd realize how much he hurt me and want to make it right...it never happened...his feelings for me were superficial...not real....and he never kissed me either unless in was on top of the head at night....like a child....not like a husband....everyone gave me advice, did I listen? NOPE...a friend told me when I'd had enough I'd leave...and that's exactly what happened..you know when you've had enough....and you will know too...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 8:10pm
Oh my gosh....you sound sooooo much like me. (Only thing different I think is that my hubby doesn't use drugs or drink). But I too can not ask about his day, and there are so many other parallels. Thank you for sharing. How long until you "had enough"? And did a counselor more or less tell you to leave or did you come to that on your own? I'm afraid to go talk to a professional because I too wonder if I am over-reacting and creating more than what it really is in my imagination--you know, the whole "is it me" thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 8:38pm
Counseling will help you get to know yourself and what you need and what you deserve....it's a safe person you can bounce ideas off and get feedback....it's a life saver. Good luck,
Beth
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 8:48pm
It took me 8 years...I went to therapy...yada.yada...friends gave advice...I KNEW better...I wasn't ready..I had HOPE...I think there are cycles you go through..it was my fault..he's stressed..he can't express himself well...no one is perfect...I'm overreacting..it doesn't matter b/c he really loves me deep down...I understand him....One thing looking back is that you have to trust your GUT...I beleive that is God talking to you...that feeling you get inside when you know you are not crazy...you know that person is having serious issues...the more I realized, the more I pushed and stood up for myself...and the worse it got...in the beginning he was my knight and shining armor...until his cracks started getting bigger and he couldn't fool me anymore with the facade of who he pretended to be in the beginning..he has low self esteem and relied on me to NEED him...to boost him up...he had a rough childhood...I didn't...My parents are responsible and reliable, his aren't...he was jealous....so he attacked my upbringing..I'm an only child....that was his answer to all of my flaws??? whatever...mine had a drug problem though too...and that really led to my leaving...he lost everything, was pawning everything...stealing from us...it was really bad..he pawned my wedding rings last week....and he lies...so much....but you might not be ready to leave...many times I thought I was and I'd chicken out and make excuses, because I loved him soooo much and would do anything to fix it...I even thought if I stood by him through all of it, he'd realize that he had someone who really loved him and he'd appreciate that and change...what a joke...unless you are in danger, don't leave until you KNOW you are ready (and you WILL know) because you don't want to start of cycle of leaving/going back...then he will never respect or believe you when you do leave for good...I know it's hard...I am still reeling from all of this...I know I did the right thing...but I really loved him and wish I could just turn off those feelings!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 2:57pm

I am still married to DH. I dont know you or your Dh, but mine let his true colors come through AFTER we were married. I have believed this last half of my marriage that he is more of a control freak now, because i grew up on him. Im no longer the novility, or the arm candy. Im just a middle aged mom.

In answer to your question, no. It has not gotten easier. If nothing else the aging process has made things worse. DH is 64 and when he uses the excuse "I forgot" or" you didnt say that," Im left wonder how much is the abuse and how much could be the start of memory gliches.

I believe they pick us younger ones because they think we are easier to mold and control. When they wake up and realize that we are tougher than they thought, they have small children and they want to retire, then i think it seem to escalate. It has for me. I have felt that he has been blaming me for his not being able to go and do what he wants, like retiring.

I feel for you because Im there.
hugs
Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 6:24pm

Hi,

I agree, he is abusive and manipulative. His attempts to distort the truth about your life, even aspects that he wasn't a part of, is really disturbing. I think counseling will really help you feel more grounded and sane. My ex is a lot like yours (and only 2 years older than me).

The age gap does not explain or excuse abuse. Sometimes abusive men like to marry younger women because they feel younger women are more easy to control and manipulate. But not all relationships with age difference are like that. My parents had a bigger age gap than you and your husband, and my dad (who was older) was sweet and loving with her always, even when she went through resentful phases (I do think she eventually regretted choosing to marry an older man). Simply put, in relationships with or without age difference, abusers are abusers and non-abusers are not. Age, and other issues, doesn't give people an excuse to treat others badly.

I wish you the best.

Pages