Is it supposed to be this hard???

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2006
Is it supposed to be this hard???
1
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 4:23pm

Hello everyone. I guess maybe I should introduce myself 1st. My name is Xiomara and I'm a SAHM to 2 beautiful children, a 6 yr old boy, and a 7 month old baby girl. I'm 25 yrs old and am currently pursuing my bachelors in nursing

I have been in a relationship with my daughters father for a very short time, just a yr and a half. In the beginning I thought he was everything that I wanted. He was attentive, he went out of his way to make me happy. He was great with my son. He bought me flowers and gifts just because. He had 2 beautiful little boys that I immediatley fell in love with. When we talked it seemed like we both wanted the same things out of life. I fell for him fast and hard (which is not at all like me). Within a couple of months we were making plans to move in together.

It didn't last for long. Soon he made me quit my job because it was causing too many problems (I was a bartender). He made me cut off all ties I had with my male friends. In hindsight I guess I should've seen those red flags but chose to ignore them and made excuses for him. One night just three months into the relationship we got into our first bad argument and he picked me up by my throat and threw me to the ground (he's much bigger than I am). I was so scared, our kids were in the next room, he had my keys and wouldnt let me leave, and he had pulled the phone out of the wall so I couldn't call anyone. He immediatley started apologizing and after about an hour he finally let me take my son and leave.

I felt hurt,confused, and betrayed. I had gone over there that night to tell him that I thought I may have been pregnant and I never got to tell him that night. The next day I gave in to him and met him at a public place where he met me with his boys and flowers. That night he cried. He told me he had never done that before and that he hadn't been himself since his grandfatehr had passed...I wanted so badly to believe him. He promised to go to counseling and so I went back. That week we confirmed that I was pregnant which made me feel that I had to try to work things out.

From then on it has been an emotional rollercoaster. I have "left" him many times (usually when he loses his temper and puts his hands on me), but I always end up coming back to him. The past couple of months he has been spending less and less time with me and the kids. He has been very distant. He makes me feel worthless and tells me I don't deserve all the things he provides for me (by things i mean a roof over our heads, food, gas and insurance on the car). He has refused to go to counseling preferring instead to place the blame on me. If I wasnt so bossy and controlling maybe things would be different...thats what he tells me. He tells me I've made him bitter and he resents me for threating to get the police involved when he hits me.

My mind tells me to get away from this man, but for some stupid reason I love him. Last night he told me that he wants out of this relationship and that I have two weeks to move me and my kids stuff. I feel like he just used me, broke me and now he's throwing me out like a piece of garbage. I know that I should be glad that he wants out and is no longer holding me here but Idont...I feel hurt and scared. I mean what now? I have no job, 2 young kids, and i'm in school.I used to be such a happy person always full of energy and now it seems like I wont ever feel that again. I dont think I will ever be able to trust another person and be able to build a healthy relationship. My god I have never felt so alone in my life...why is this so hard???

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 12:33am
first off, tons of hugs to you....even tho it may seem very hard right now it may be easier...when he leaves, first of all its alot easier to obtain child support(if he follows the order) and also, then you don have to make that big leap to say "see ya!"...while you may think you still love him, and mayb eu do somewhere, you obviously see hes not who he was when u met and no one deserves to be pushed, showed, hit, or even verbally abused...you need to take your children and get away, for their safety as well as yours...are there any police reports reagrding his abuse? if there are, that may help you with the child support situation etc...anyways mainly what i want to say is that there are women on here who are here for you to listen, to b*tch to, all that good stuff...so know you're not alone...EVER!