Is it worth it

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
Is it worth it
3
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 1:58am
I have been looking through many of the postings-this board is excellent...

Here's my story. I have been married for 5 years, together for 5 before that. WE have 2 young children. Initially we were happy, abuse would have never come into my mind as my reality. Then things began to change. My husband has used drugs and alcohol for years, with increasing frequency as he gets older. Two years ago, after many fights followed by him threatening suicide, we sought counseling. It turned into counseling for him and a diagnosis of depression and ADD. Things got better for a bit, he used ADD as an excuse for his behavior-frequent mood swings, irritability, drug use, angry outbursts, etc...After treatment, things seemed to get worse however. He became more angry, often yelling, calling me a bitch, throwing things, usually over insignificant things. He put holes in the wall, broke his hand after he punched the floor, threatened our cabinets with a sledgehammer in hand. He began to actually grab me, push me, stick his finger in my face. Sometimes in front of the kids. This would always be followed by big apologies, and he would tell me it would never happen again. But of course it did, more and more frequently. I left for a few days after a very upsetting episode where he threatened to take the kids away from me if I left him. I returned with the kids after he promised to seek treatment for his anger and never to touch me in anger again. But, in less than 2 weeks, one night he felt rejected by me for some reason, and pushed me down in the bed, screamed in my face, and would not let me go even when I told him he was hurting me. No bruises, no punches. And he actually said he did that to make me listen to him, because he says I wasn't hearing what he was saying. He then threatened suicide for the next 2 hours, even going so far as to say he had a gun in the garage and maybe he would just take care of me and the kids too. He calmed down eventually, and went to bed. I meanwhile grabbed the kids and slept in a room with the doors locked. The next day I made him move out of our house, with some difficulty. He has been gone for 2 months now. Since then, he tracked me down at school and made a huge scene in public yelling and blocking my attempts to get away. He also came over to the house yelling for me to talk to him and managed to break a window after knocking on it. I called the police, who came and took him to the mental health hospital.I now have a restraining order against him. Since I got the order he has not attempted to see me, but he does call often. After I kicked him out, due to his increasingly aggressive behavior, he was re-evaluated by his psychiatrist and found to be bipolar. So he now says that all of his behavior was due to being manic, or insane as he likes to say. He thinks he should be back at home with me. He says he is sorry, but continues to blame his behavior on his disease. He says I should trust him again, and that he is not that guy "Dr Jeckyl". A part of me feels guilty that he is ill and I am not caring for him. The other part of me thinks that's crazy, and that no reason is good enough to explain his actions. I keep telling him that I need time, that I need to see stability from him before I would even consider the future. He says he wants to change, and that he has in fact changed. He does go to counseling, and has been alcohol free for one year, and is now also drug free. But I really do not trust him at all now, to tell the truth or to do what he says he will....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: avathey
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 3:38pm

Hi avathey, welcome -


If there is an RO, there is to be no contact at all.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
In reply to: avathey
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 7:03pm
Thanks for the info. The restraining order I have allows for phone contact. I asked for that as I wanted to be able to have contact regarding the kids. I do see why no contact is probably best. After I talk with him, I feel confused and saddened, and end up spending alot of the day thinking about him. I am just beginning to realize that mental illness does not explain or rationalize abuse. I am just beginning to realize that I have been abused, even before he actually put his hands on me. I really appreciate all of the words of support from you and others. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: avathey
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 1:02am

Hi avathey...I'm sorry for all you and your children are

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou