It's another horrible morning!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2002
It's another horrible morning!
3
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 2:16pm

So things sort of calmed down yesterday, my bf didn't talk to his father after yesterday's incident. I did get to talk to his mom and we bonded and I felt comfortable enough to show her how concerned I was. She read that post and your replies, and she too thinks she doesn't have nowhere to go nor she does want to. She said she's been dealing with this for the past 26 years, and this is her life. She advised the kids that they still have a way to get out of this toxic situation. She told my bf to find a place to live, that it was best for everybody. And that his sister wasn't too far behind. She spends most of her time at her new bf's house, sneaking out at night until her father finds out.


It hurt me to hear her say that he should find another place in a way, I want him to move out of this crazy house don't get me wrong. But it's so not in a nice way at all. There's a lot of resentment build up, it's hard for them to communicate any other way.


Anyhow, this morning his father woke him up again at 9:30am. My bf was concerned and told me that when his dad takes a mini vacation sometimes this week, R will come live with me and my family for the time being until we get a place of our own. In the meantime, his dad yelled down to this room, and told him to come up. I was scared and got up to go to the bathroom. I was scared for both of them, as I had a very bad feeling about all this. I could hear the convo between them outside on the patio. And his father was really mad about two incidents where my SO was disrespectful to him. I don't agree with foul language that's been going back and forth for some time now. Usually things calm down for them, but not this time. My bf was defending himself, saying he didn't say something that way, and his dad would get louder and say that he did. And that if he wanted he would call the mother to say that she heard it too.


He then started saying how this was his week of vacation and that he didn't like my bf showing off in front of me. And all of a sudden I hear this "What the f*** is she still doing here?" OMG it took all for me not to go outside and tell this man that I love their son, and that was the reason I was still here!


I stormed down to the room, got all my things together and was just waiting for my bf to come down and talk to him about me leaving today. Originally I was going to leave tomorrow, but I was so hurt beyond anything that I started crying. I wrote a letter to the family. And it goes a little like this:


Dear R. Family,


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 2:38pm

Oh, good god.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2002
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 2:50pm

Thank you for such quick reply, helps so much to hear that. I was going crazy earlier but I have calmed down. Although I'm feeling scared, and uncomfy as expected I assume.


I shouldn't be too surprised, his father has always been controlling and abusive. And last night while talking to the mother, she told me how it all went down hill about 11 years ago when she fell in a store and needed back surgery and has never been the same. The father was abused emotionally and physically as a child his own father. What he used to make him do was horrible. If the grass wasn't cut right or the father wasn't happy about it, he would make him cut the grass all over again. Just horrible things his father went through. You would think that he would know better how it all feels to be treated like less than a human. Anyway, his mother was saying how she tried to leave him when bf was a baby, but she had nowhere to go. Her family turned against her, and since then that relationship has died and only hate and resentment between them all.


She said when her and husband used to get in fights, the next door neighbors must have heard them over period of years. And one day when she came outside to take the trashcans off the curb, there was a pamphlet there left about domestic abuse. She believes it was from one of the neighbors trying to reach out. The more this woman talked yesterday, she sort of told me that it's not just emotionally but also physical abuse. She's so used to it, 26 years of it and that she can do more but that the kids will have to go.


The other day they went to the hospital for her back checkup and they separated them and she broke down and told the doctor about misusing drugs. She started crying, saying how humiliated she felt when they asked her if she knew who the current president was. They offered her counseling therapy, which she refused. A little later, while she was in the waiting area with the husband who didn't like being separated from her, told her if she admitted her into the hospital he would be 'f***** pissed'. She said this was in the waiting area where there were cameras all over, and I'm not sure why she said that to me if she didn't want their help. It's as if she would like for him to get in trouble without her contributing. Aaargh

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2002
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 2:57pm

I talked to my bf last night, about all this and what kind of affects it leaves on him. He told me he wasn't like his father, and he would never be. And that is the reason them two clash over and over again. He opened up to me about his childhood, how them two had nothing in common. His father resented him from his birth his mom used to tell me.


I didn't know how bad this all is, until now it all hit me. Yeah, bf will move out soon and I'll be there to support him as much as I can. I really hope a lifetime of a glimpse I saw this past two days wasn't too damaging beyond repair. He has a great friend in me and knows he can always talk to me. If needed, I will go to therapy with him.