It's been a long time... update

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
It's been a long time... update
3
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 1:41pm

It's been quite a while since I've posted... this is the third name I've used for posting... Eil is probably the most remembered for those who've been around for a number of years.

I have been tired and exhausted for such a long time now... and have been slowing saving money, making photocopies, and getting documents out of the house over the last year or so. My friends have been patiently waiting for me to get out, but have been supportive of my not being ready to make the break. I've been waiting for something to just "click" for me... and it finally happened. First, I went back on meds back in November... a new prescription, which took about two months to really take effect, but has me feeling more like myself than I have in years and years. Second, my son (he's 7) started to become really super clingy, not wanting me to leave him home with H (at times, crying when I left)... his rationale being "who will take care of me if I get hurt"... since H often falls asleep on the chair in front of the tv, after drinking a couple of beers... (to give him some benefit of the doubt, he does wake up at 5am).

So... I've been getting stuff organized and packing away the most important items I want to keep... the rest being just items that can be replaced for the most part. I think H has been sensing something... with my cleaning out and donating 10 bags of stuff to the Salvation Army... in addition to my sleeping in another bedroom for 2 weeks.

After an incident a couple of weeks ago where H flipped out at DS for not listening or responding to him, he grabbed the toy he'd had in his hand and threw it across the room. H then started crying and yelling "what's wrong with me, what's wrong with me"... and came up to me, grabbed my arms and shook me while repeating it again. DS, in the meantime, ran to his room and slammed the door shut.

I mentioned that incicent to my two girlfriends... one of which got the names and numbers of a couple of DV shelters/programs in the area. I finally called one of them and went to see a couselor last week. (I'll continue seeing her on a weekly basis for now).

So... (Sooner... I'm basically copying this out of my email to you)... on Sunday, I went to say goodbye to H before leaving for church... he made a face that he wanted a kiss, so I gave him a quick kiss. He then put his arms out for a hug, so when I went to let him give me a quick hug, he wouldn't let go. I kept telling him we (DS and I) had to leave, but he refused to let go. I started telling him that it was time to let me go, as a tried to pry his hands/arms away from me... and he started crying almost hysterically. Finally I got away and went downstairs, where DS was waiting by the front door with his coat on. H was still upstairs and got the laundry baskets together to do the laundry... and started saying that that's the only thing he is good for (laundry, that is)... then throws the baskets upstairs, and then throws them down the stairs. When he comes down after them, he picks them up and puts them aside. He then walks by me with a look on his face that scared the bejeezus out of me... so I moved out of the way since it looked like he was coming to me at first. He walked right by me and went to DS... grabbed and picked up DS, opened the front door and told me to leave. He went into the kitchen and sat down, while still holding DS on his lap and refused to let go of him. When I asked him to not put DS in the middle of this, he said that it was me who has put him in the middle. Somehow we ended up back in the living room... H let DS go for a moment (and I thought I'd be able to get him out the door with me) but then grabbed him again and sat down on the couch with him. I asked H to ask DS was HE wanted to do... so H asked him what he wanted to do that day... go sledding, go bowling... go ice-skating... but didn't ask him if he wanted to go to church with me. DS refused to make eye-contact with H and did not respond. The other thing I noticed is that DS did not put his arms around H at all, but left them just hanging down at his side. With that, H whispered that I'd trained DS well (that he wouldn't respond)... and brought up how close he was to committing suicide... and aren't I happy to see him so low... Well, he finally let go of DS again, who came over next to me. I asked him if he wanted to stay home or go to church, and that either decision was fine. He barely whispered "go"... I think H really traumatized him.

At that point, I felt that H had freaked the both of us out so much that we just couldn't go back home after church... and we didn't. We've been at my Mom's since Sunday noon. He doesn't know where we are, although I have talked to him on the phone... and refuse to tell him our location. At first he was threatening to call the police on me since I had DS... I told him I'd call him back later... and called a local domestic abuse hotline to see what the deal on that was... and since there's no custody agreement, he can't call the police (well, he can... but they can't do anything).

So... the lawyer mailed the papers for the divorce on Friday, so we should get those back soon... so I can decide what day to have H served. The papers for custody were mailed yesterday... so we'll have a court date for that in a month or so... and the papers for child support should be mailed within the next week.

Now, H evidently called his Mom and told her that he has a major anger problem... and she wanted him to go to the hospital on Sunday. Yesterday, his Mom and his sister evidently spent part of the day with him in the afternoon... but this is coming from him, so I'm not sure what the real deal is. He told me that he has an appointment with a doctor on Thursday... so we'll see how that goes.

He wanted to know a timeline of when we'd come back to the house, so I said we'd talk in a week... but in the meantime, I'd call him this evening. I want to make sure I stay in touch because of DS... and I've been making sure that he knows I've been trying to get DS to talk to him on the phone... that I'm not purposely keeping DS away from him.

DS really doesn't have any interest in talking to H, and is upset that he might have to spend the day with him on Tuesday. Last night H said he'd stay home with him since school is closed for parent/teacher conferences. I guess I'll have to see how it goes... in some ways I'd like to talk to H's Mom to see how she thinks he is emotionally before allowing DS to stay with him. I don't think H would do anything to hurt him, but I think he may just put such a burden on him by being so sad, mopey, and perhaps talk about me. DS's major concern is that H won't let him leave once he has him.

I think it was a blessing in disguise at how things did play out on Sunday... and with the snow we had, I had time to just hang out with DS since he had two days off from school. It also served to ease my mind in that I didn't have to worry quite so much that H would go get him from school. It's still a thought in the back of my head... but last night H mentioned that he COULD do that (legally) but that he wouldn't... another form of threatening in order to try and control me perhaps? Right now, he has every right to pick him up from school... it's a free-for-all until we go to court for a hearing, which will be any time between a month to two months from now. I hope the court sees that I am the better parent... I'm sure they will... but I'll still be nervous until I know I have been awarded primary custody, with him having visitation rights.

It's funny... last night when I called H, he kept going on and on about how I can't keep DS away from him, and how that is only going to hurt me in the end... blah... blah... blah... I actually just held the phone out away from my ear when he kept going on like that so I actually didn't hear everything he said. I did hear the "are you there"... to which I responded "yes". I've had to cut him off in order the get off the phone with him... as he won't just say goodbye and hang up. I have to tell him that I'll call tomorrow, and say goodbye several times, and say I'm hanging up... and he keeps trying to bait me into staying on the phone. I'm getting much better at doing that with him... I'm proud of myself.

The other thing last night, is that he said he has an appointment to see a doctor on Thursday. I also mentioned that he might want to consider AA... to which he responded that he should probably do that at some point. He also said that he's willing to go to church with me... and do anything else I want him to... like going to the doctor, and looking into going to AA. And just last week he was blaming his drinking on me... and that he wasn't going to see a therapist because for One... the last one told him he was nuts for staying with me after all that I've done and lied about... and Two... he doesn't want to end up like me. The other thing he told me last week is that he didn't appreciate me giving our/his hard-earned money to my church.... and this week he's willing to see a therapist and go to church with me?

I told H that I'd call tonight to check in. I've been getting better at telling him it's time to hang up, and just hanging up after saying goodbye.

So... what do you all think?..

Phoenix/Eil.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 2:13pm

Hey Phoenix, welcome back -


Okay, first things first.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 10:12am

Hi Blue,

Thank you for your reply, and the links. They are good reminders.

You're right... it would be like putting ds into the lion's den right now.

I think I may call his mom to feel her out and see what her take on things is... she's probably the most reasonable person from his family. I'm not sure what her attitude toward me would be... he's told me "I wouldn't call her if I were you"... and then last night when I suggested calling her again, he wanted to know why, and wouldn't comment on whether she was that angry with me or not. It kind of felt like he was re-directing the conversation and never really gave me any sense of what his mom's attitude is/would be.

When I talked to h last night he wanted to know when he could see ds. When I tried to explain that ds was afraid of him, his (h's) response was that he wanted to apologize to ds in person, and tell him that he has nothing to be afraid of. At one point he mentioned picking up ds from school, to which I responded "so you can scare him even more"... and that told him that ds is afraid that h will keep him and not let him come back to me. He said that I was keeping ds away from him, so I reiterated that HE is the one ds is afraid of... not me. He tried telling me that I am the one that's making ds scared of him... not his behavior on Sunday morning.

So... I think I just need re-assurance that I'm not crazy... that I am doing the right thing... and also... support while I get through this next hurdle. H doesn't know I'm not coming back just yet... I figure it's probably best, and safer, to wait until he's seen the psychiatrist and see what his state of mind is next week. It also gives me the chance to see the counselor at the center again, and share the last week's events with her.

Thanks for listening!

Phoenix

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 12:51pm

Hi Phoenix, it sure is easier to try an get out of a blank blank marriage after 25 years when it is just you and him. My heart bleeds for the kids. I am day by day, one step forward, two back, to stand up to him. We had no support back in the 70's to help like we have now. What scares me now is that every time we turn on the TV (anyone see Dr Phil last night?) children are missing. I thank God every day that my son is 29 and can take care of himself. I could not live with the fear of having younger children going through a domestic battle now, they are not pawns in a chess game. I would do what ever it took to keep my children safe, I couldn't or wouldn't let go. Be safe and keep us posted.

Luv Sherry