Its been a while, need to vent....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Its been a while, need to vent....
6
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 2:43pm

This may be long so I apoligize in advance, but I just need to vent. I used to come here quite a bit, but havent been on for a while. So quick recap I am 28, married for 9 yrs with 2 kids. Things have been rocky from almost the start. We've had alot of ups and downs. Last year there was a point where we had a huge argument and he asked if I wanted to leave. I looked at him and said I didnt know. He asked what he needed to do, and I told him everything that had bothered me, the way he treats me, the way he talks to me, the way he never helped with anything, the way he treated the kids. Things actually got better for a while. Slower I could see things headed back in the same direction, but I was also trying to work on me, thinking that part of the reason he was the way he is was because of me.

Well lately, Im starting to get that feeling that nothings ever going to change, but I feel stuck, I dont know how to get out. Sometimes I think its just me over reacting to things. Every body else (except my stepmother, she sees it) thinks hes a great, fun loving guy. He has always, from the first month after we got married accused me of cheating, but its not just something that he jokes about in passing. Its an almost everyday occurance. Then he wonders why I get so mad and upset when he says something. He comes home every day and asks if I've talked to my BF or did I see my BF today. If he calls and Im on the other line or dont answer the phone he says im talking to a guy. Today I was changing my sons diaper when he called so i couldnt get to the phone. I called back a few min later and he asked what I was doing. When I told him, he goes "yea, sure you were" I said I was sorry and asked what was wrong, and he said nothing he had to go. I have gotten to the point that when I go to the bathroom or when Im vaccuming I take the phone with me in hand, so I wont miss his call. And its not because I cant wait to talk to him, its because I dont want to make him mad by not answering.

Last night we were getting ready for bed and he started asking me if I really loved him. Which he does all the time. If I say 'I love you' he'll either say yeah right or sure you do. last night he asked and when I said yes i do. HE started with How he wished I'd just tell him what I really think, that I think hes an a$$hole, a SOB and more words that I cant say here. There are times like these that I think that, but I cant ever say I love you to him without saying something along that lines. Then he brings up that last year he found an email I sent to a male friend. Nothing going on and it was just a forwarded joke to an ex co-worker. But he swares that something was going on and even after I said I would never send him anything else he still swore that i was sending him more than jokes that I was writing him love letters and so on. Since that day I have never had contact with him again and all he was was someone I used to work with and was friends with. I told him last night that I had told him everything there was to know about that, and that there was nothing going on. HE said he didnt believe me that he thinks there was more to it. I started crying and told him that it hurt that he didnt believe me and that he didnt trust me. Then he got mad at me, telling me I was too sensitive. I said so what, am I going to have to live with that email for the rest of my life? HE said "yes, as long as you are with me, I will never let you live it down and I will never let you forget about it. That way you wont ever do anything like that again."

He goes out with friends for hours at a time. Last weekend he went to a friends house and said that he'd only be gone an hour. He came home 6 hours later. If I had so much as went to the store for 5 min longer than I said then I would have never heard the end of it. I cant even go to town by myself, i have to take one of the kids with me.....because he says he worries about me and its safer.

I just dont know what to do. I feel like Im loosing myself....actually I already have lost most of who I am. I want to leave so bad, I know me and my kids would be better off. (My DD has asked if daddy could live somewhere else) But Im so scared of what will happen if I tell him I want out. I have went back to school so I can go back to work in order to have my own money to support me on. But that will be at least 6 months from now. Im just not sure if I can hang on that long. Thanks again for listening, I just needed to get some things out and know that Im not alone here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2005
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 4:03pm

You are definitely not alone here.... While I was reading your post, I could have sworn you were talking about me and my husband. I'm also 28, married for 7 years with 3 kids, and my husband is a total a$$ too. The "boyfriend" accusations sound all too familiar. It ranges from constant questions like "are you being good?? are you sure??" to outright rage because of something that's only in his head that he's gotten himself all worked up over. Oh yeah.. he gets sooo mad at the thought of me cheating... but at the same time, he's trying to convince me to sleep with another guy... says he's alright with it as long as he knows about it. UGH He's a psycho, if you ask me. Sorry... I digress :)

And don't worry, you're not the only one that takes the phone into the bathroom. I hate to admit it... it feels ridiculous, doesn't it.... doing anything just to avoid making him mad.

You've gotta keep telling yourself that one day you will find the strength to leave. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway. I've also recently gone back to school... and I am also just waiting for it to be over so I can get that great job and do this on my own. (Hope I'm brave enough when the time comes)

And it's such a terrible feeling, isn't it, when your kids don't even want him around. Here too... my husband is a truck driver, so he's gone almost all the time. He's been gone now since January 8th, and I asked my boys yesterday if they missed daddy yet, and all they said was "kind of".

See... that's the thing..... They say they will change, and they actually do for a bit, but I've come to realize that it will never be a lasting change. They do what they have to in order to gain control again... and the cycle starts all over again. He will turn it around and convince you that *you* are the main reason why he acts the way he does, that there is something that *you* are doing wrong to hurt him. Well that's BS. You know something is wrong when you look into the mirror and you don't know the person standing there. All because we change everything we do to revolve around his moods.

And as for him getting mad when you started crying and told him that you felt he didn't trust you?? A real man would not throw it in your face when you start crying because of something hurtful he said. A real man would apologize, and reassure you of his love and trust. Not like I know what a "real man" looks like, but I've heard stories ;)

Anyway, I'm sorry I'm kind of all over the place here....I get flustered when I get upset. lol Thank you so much for your post, it really helps knowing there are others going through the same thing. Take care of yourself, and good luck with your studies. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 10:32am

Thank you! You are right, It does help to know Im not the only one going through this. I, like you, am hoping to be finished with my schooling soon and once I get that job, have the courage to leave. This past week, If I had the money and the means to support myself I would have left. Last night, Valentines Day, he picks a fight saying that my loofah that I use in the shower smells like his shower gel and wanted to know what man has been taking a shower in there usuing his stuff!! I couldnt believe it!

Im beginning to wonder if them trying to get you to sleep with someone else is another control thing. DH has done the same thing. HE Will talk about getting a 3rd person, either M or F, then when I say I'd be up to trying it to spice things up, he gets mad and says he cant believe I'd want to sleep with someone else! Even when I say it was his idea, that hes the one that brings it up, he says its just to see if I'd actually want someone else. And that it proves that I do.

Everytime something happens, in the end Im the one crying and upset thinking its all my fault, then I get so mad at myself for letting him do that to me again.

Im hoping by coming here and doing some reading on the subject, by the time I get my job I will have to strength to leave.

Thanks again....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 5:38pm

hugs to you, Hugs.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 11:18am

Thank you so much for your response.

<<"Whereas he has time away for hours at a time, I'd bet my butt he's sleeping all over">>
I have thought about that a number of times. There have been so many reasons for me to suspect him but I never say anything. Also makes me wonder if thats the reason he's always accusing me. Between that and he grew up with his mom cheating numerous times (and still is actually).

Thank you for the advice about checking into an advocate. I will defiantly check into that in my area. I started looking into that sort of thing about a year ago, then I thought things were getting better so I stopped. I'll have to start doing more research on the subject.

Its nice to know there is someone out there that does understand what Im going through and doesnt think its all in my head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 11:30am
I agree with Gonna, don't give up w/o exploring your options. Even if everyone else thinks he is great, you know the truth. My SIL had one of these- everyone but basically me thought he was just this wonderful guy. Heck, he even had ME going when I first met him. My ILs (her parents!) still do not totally get it, I don't think. But, YOU know the truth and YOU know what he is doing. You don't have to take it. Get ahold of a lawyer, call your local shelter, and see what your options are.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 7:43pm

I in NO way mean to belittle your pain, because it's obvious you are in pain and going though something very traumatic..but...

I've read you post on other boards and isn't your H right? Aren't you involved with a married man that you and your H hang out with as a couple every weekend? If thats the case then he really does have every right to question you. However, he has no right to abuse you in any way.

I think because you are involved in an affair it would be important, now more than ever, to try to get yourself in a safer position. Is there any way you can leave your abusive marriage?