it's friday night and i'm ok!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
it's friday night and i'm ok!
22
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 8:20pm

Kind of lonely, kind of sad but staying busy. I have some plans for the weekend....and I'm ok. Wow, that feels good to write. I've been teary on and off, a few big cries this week with some knots in my stomach still but that's a big improvement from feeling like I'm falling apart!

Take care everyone...
Beth

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 11:03pm

I'm so happy to see a discussion from you! I know the (kinda) lonely and the sad. What else could we expect when the one thing that controlled our thoughts is gone? We can only find something to fill us up and make us whole again. That's the hardest part. If you're anything like me, you feel selfish for doing for yourself? I'm getting ahead of my self by assuming that. It just seems to be the way sometimes when we're supposed to be consumed w/ them. Than all of a sudden we have time for us, and what to do?

What are you doing for the weekend? I'm finally taking down the Christmas tree and decorations! How are your boys?

I've had a few big cries this week too. Glad for the one the morning before court, think that's how I kept it together for court. Feels a little better after, huh? No knots here, anxiety. If we think about it, it's not the anxiety from being w/ them and it's a little better w/ every week or two? I hope for you? Hope to be hearing more from you! Has she tried to contact you?

Take care Beth!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 11:42pm

Hi Beth - That's right - you are ok - after all you are worth rubies! I too have my moments of loneliness. I know the real heart break will come when H actually takes my babies for a night. That will kill me! But I am already trying to come up with a variety of things to keep me busy and my mind occupied for that time.

H decided to stop by to see the girls at 8:30 (I figured it should be fairly straight forward) and supposedly help put them to bed. We always cuddled them in our big bed and move them to thier rooms once asleep. Well he fell asleep but no one else did. The girls kept doing little things to irritate one another. My 2yr old is a real fiesty little thing and she got mad and kicked her feet. She landed square in H's gonads!!!! Huge groan from him - then he just rolled out of bed and left. The girls were asleep within 5 minutes! I thought the whole thing was pretty funny - and a good taste of reality too. He says he wants 50% custody but if he is really honest with himself - he can onl,y handle them in small doses. He has no patience which clearly won't bode well for him!

Anyway Beth - take care of yourself and do something just for you this weekend. little by little you will regain your freedom!

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 1:33pm

Hi Carrie,

I was doing o.k-did some errands this a.m. and as I get home and am unloading the car she shows up with some but not all of my things....she had a big smile on her face, and offered to carry in some things. I said no thankyou and she left....so now I feel all weepy and uncomfortable inside. Why and how can she smile? I feel like my heart is broken and she seems to just move on??? I don't get it. Also in the box was a note that sai "when you rejected me....". I didn't reject her-she made it impossible to stay with her.

I'm also uptight right now-?paranoid thast she bugged my computer-maybe I'll start a new post on that-I want my privscy.

Hope all is well with you Carrie-I'm just all in knots and weepy right now-it's like I did something bad-and how can she smile? doesn't she feel pain? or is it pleasant to know I'm hurting...

Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 1:38pm

Hi Rose,

Thanks for the validation that I'm worth those rubies!!! I need to feel that right now. She stopped by to drop off some things and had big smile on her face-I'm so uptight at the moment....why the smile? maybe she's happy for the breakup? Who knows. I still hurt inside.

I know it'll get better.....and it already has. I'm going out tonight to hear some music whitch I'm looking forward to.

About your H...my ex also threatened custody but believe me it was to hurt me-he had little patience, little interest in children....

Take good care and thanks for the support and care-I'm teary now but it's alright. At least I'm dealing with my feelings,
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 5:08pm

Hi Carrie,

I didn't comment on the "one that controlled our thoughts is gone"...that's for sure. I'm looking at my life and see the wreckage of lost friends, a mess of a house/finances...aloneness -so without realizing I got isolated and I feel pretty alone in many ways right now.

It's weird too cause I keep thinking she's so ok but I don't really know her mood-It feels bad to think someone doesn't miss you or long for you, after so long. This week is 6 years that were together. Maybe that's why she dumped the stuff off? a happy anniversary?

Glad you got your tears out before court so that you were pretty even-keeled that day.

Take care, hope all goes well with the kids on their visit and then coming home. I'm not serious really but I've even thought about adopting an older kid/siblings to give someone a home and me in the mommy role...but I feel way too screwed up right now. I miss having my kids at home a lot!!!!!!They're doing really well though-esp the younger one. Older one kind of struggles...is dating a not very nice girl. Who'd he learn that from????

Talk to you soon,
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 6:06pm
Beth,
You've been in my thoughts and prayers. I am so happy that you're feeling better. Take care of yourself.
Dakota

Dakota

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 6:44pm

I wished we lived closer together so that we could all get together at times like these. I have my two girls but - I'm super lonely too. It would be great to have someone like you who loves kids to just hang out. The kids would love it and it would be nice for me to have the company.

I am feeling a little sorry for myself these days. H just called and he is with his parents right now. I really miss them and I don't have any family of my own which makes this that much more difficult to deal with. My girls are fabulous fun and I dread the first 24 hr period I will be away from them. My friends have been really great but they have families of their own... the cold hard reality is that I am going to have some time on my hands. I know it is not all bad though. I need some extra time and hopefully I will use it wisely.

Onwards and upwards right Beth? I know we will both come out of this smelling like roses. My friends keep telling me they think H will wake up one day and realize what he has done and what he has lost. God willing I will have moved on by then to greener pastures.

Why was your partner smiling - probably just happy to see you. I imagine that she misses you too. You are a warm and wonderful person - how could she not miss you. She might just be putting on a bit of an act for you too - you never know. She might just be miserable and dropped the stuff off hoping you would invite her in. I am so glad that you have plans. Enjoy your evening, meet some new friends and little by little things will start to look a little sunnier.

Maybe you could become a big sister? They would probably love to have someone like you!

Hang in there Beth - In the words of Annie - the sun will come out tomorrow....

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 7:13pm

I'm really sorry and understand how you feel Beth. Lots of hugs!

She is trying to get to you, or course she's all smiles, her tears didn't work, or meeting up w/ you in the park. Haven't you avoided the park since your last meeting? Why wouldn't she have to show up while you're unloading groceries? If she hasn't returned all things, she has a reason for another visit. Watch her go round and round, soon she'll try something new.

Reread Why Does He Do That and remind yourself. It's really helping me to keep it fresh in my mind, I renewed it! About the computer, don't know. Do you mean the one you've been using all along, or did she return one? You could go to their website, just look around and maybe find something. Or do you know a computer whiz?

Take care of you Beth, enjoy the music!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 7:40pm

Until I got pregnant at the ripe old age of 15, I always saw myself as a Child protective worker, and thought I'd care for foster children. Even now w/ my youngest heading off to a full day of school and one on her way to college that same year, if I'm on my own and away from H's mess completely, I'd take in a foster child. I always felt selfish and blessed having 6 healthy children while there are kids that have noone.

Whatever we do, we need to heal. You're so full of hope and take the time to read all our posts and respond. I know you're a giving a generous soul. Pediatric nurse, come on! I'm sure you're wonderful. Is it going ok?

OH! This week is almost 6th anniversary! That makes sense why she's doing it now, she thinks you're vulnerable! Hang in there Beth! About your oldest son, maybe he picked up on somethings growing up, but he also has a Mom to help recognize it and who looks out for him. Don't be so hard on yourself, you've done fine!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 11:02pm

Hey Dakota,

Thanks for thoughts and prayers-you and your little girls are in mine too!
Take good care,

Beth

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