Its long, but here is how my filing went

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Its long, but here is how my filing went
15
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 11:07pm

1st off, let me treat you to a paragraph in the motion of temporary allowances (child support, sole custody, supervised visitation, ect) - during the divorce proceedings

(D=Defendant, P=Plaintiff Me)

"D has a history of alcohol abuse & has been verbally & physically abusive to P. Due to threats against P's life by the D, & his past threats & verbal & physical abuse, P is in fear of the D. D has threatened to burn the house down w/ P in it, to take the partie's daughter away & make sure P never sees her again, to make sure P loses her job. On one occassion he has his hands around her neck & threatened to "snap her neck". On or about Feb 1,2005, D lost his job & was out of control. P learned from his employer that he had vandalized the work place. When she confronted him, D told her that if she came home "I will rip you to peices" & made other threats. P fled w/ the partie's child for their safety & obtained a no contact order from the Family Court."

How's THAT look? Yikes! SO weird to see it in writing by a legal person!

Although i have been actually looking forward to just getting this DONE< i was quite nervous all the way up there. & i had a MAJOR headache during it ... but now all i feel is (moslty) relief! I am ON MY WAY! ....

Anyway, here are some of the major points i got cleared up in todays meeting:

*There is no way he will get alimony. If he turned down this job (like he threatened to do, to show ME that if i want to see him destittute w/ no home, he will have no job either) we can get proof he is CHOOSING to be unemployed - & he IS employable. He is a very good carpenter AND a boat builder (plus he is an EMT) ... the news paper is filled w/ open jobs in these areas. & if he has taken this job & it pays i think about $13/hr, then i woudl get appx $330 a month in child support. More than i expected.

*As for custody - originally i wasnt going to ask for sole custody, it would have been joint, w/ her living primarily with me & he would have had liberal visitation. But as time has gone on & i have seen how crazy & unstable can be, I told the atty that i would like to attempt to get sole custody - w/ visitation for him ... Liberal visitation, *IF* he is not a mess. When he is "ok", he is great with her, but i cant trust that until we KNOW he is stable & not furious at me still, & not crazed about everything. I explained that if we were to have joint & lots of visitation ordered, & then he continued to go downhill, & also began drinking heavliy, i dont want to have to go back to have it changed. IF, from the outset, we make it clear that I have sole custody & he has regular visitation (only supervised at 1st), then if things are going well, & he is working (which is usually a sign he is emotionally ok) & not dirnking & not terrorizing me, taking his antidepressants b/c there is a HUGE difference when he is med complaint & CERTAINLY & most importantly not emotionally abusing dd by trying to alientate her from me ... then i would be MORE than happy to let him have way more visitation - but it has to depend on whether he is stable mentally or not. The atty felt this was liekly do-able, & if M fights it, then they will most likely appoint a court gaurdian to figure out what is best. & i would think that with his history of alcohol abuse & rage, & MORE than enough witnesses to it all, they woudl feel it was in her best interest to be able to stay with me IF he wasnt stable at the time of scheduled visitation, or any extra visits. Oh, i did ask about a Psyc Eval for him for custody, but he said it woudl be many months b4 we could schedule one (only 2 docs in RI do it), & i woudl have to pay out of pocket, & they woudl make me be eval'd too, & it would be 5K EACH ... so it would cost me 10K. I told him "Well, i already KNOW he is nutz ...." i know, not funny.

*We are a 50/50, no fault state. Atty expalined that is ASSUMING "Equitable distribution", that we each put in about equal parts. That is a STRATING POINT for negotiation, which is based on length or marriage, conduct in the marriage, financial efforts in the marriage, employment history, age, health status, & ability to add assets over the years ... & whether or not that was done & by whom. I told him i am sure he will claim he made less than 1/3 of what did almost all 6 years, b/c he was a SAHD. But he WASNT. 1st off, i dont work till 3pm. 2nd, dd was in daycare or a sitter, or pre-school, many of the days that he didnt work. He COULD have worked, & atty said his claiming a SAHD "wont fly", especially b/c in teh 2 years b4 she was born, his salary was nill anyway. So thats good. I re-iterated to him that i dont want to screw him. I want just to be fair, & maybe even give him a little more than is fair, to just get this over with. But *I* most certainly am not going to get screwed myself financailly. I asked if 70/30 was crazy to shoot for, & he said "it could be a starting point, but i think you can reasonably expect to end up with 60/40, w/o too much of a fight, based on his history."

We have about 200+K equity in the house. I do NOT want to sell to pay him off. I asked him if he could "make me sell" (which he has threatened to do) to get his portion of the equity & he said "He could try ... but it is HIGHLY unlikely that would be ordered". He said there are many scenarios, but i could refi & pay him a chunk of cash up front, then pay him w/ a structured payoff like $100 a month, for 30 years ... or obviously pay him out if i re-marry, or sell. I asked him straight out, "So i can pretty much count on NOT being forced to sell" & he said "yes", so thats good. I think if i refi, i could afford to maybe give him like something like 30K up front, & that would be enough for him to start a new life on, IF he is working - Or if he is CHOOSING to work, AND not throwing his money away, like he did ours for so many years. I swear, i bet he takes the settlement & buys a boat ... mark my words. --- Also, my atty reminded me that 60/40 may be good enough, we will see, b/c "fighting for that other 10% may not be worth it if it ends up having to go to trial b/c you would end up paying so much more in legal fees". I agreed & said we would see how it goes, but by NO means do i want to draw this all out if it was only going to cost more, & i woudlnt end up with that much more.

*I was worried about being held responsible for any of the joint credit we have, where sometimes they leave 1 cc to one party to pay & the other cc to the other spouse, to be responisble for, after the divorce. I told him he will either totally blow it off & *I* would then end up responsible, OR he will claim bankruptcy & i would still be responsible. So based on his HORRID credit history, we woud require that before we give him the pay out of the settlement, the bills must be paid off 1st & close the accounts ... unless i can get off them. Also, i asked "since this divorce is HIS fault, could i get him to pay my atty fees?" Atty reminded me he has no money ... & i said "how do you think HIS atty is getting paid? He will pay him out of the settlement money". I told my atty that i hoped his atty would remind him that he will have a chunk of change at the end, but the longer he fights, the less he will have b/c it will cost more to fight. He asked who his atty was & when i told him he said "He is a pretty reasonable guy, & if he is a childhood freind of your X, i bet he steers him in a good direction, IF he can". The atty's aid asked me later who his atty was & she said "Hmmm, he is Feisty, but not unreasonable". I dont know if i LIKE "feisty"! lol

*About his threatening to get me fired ... he said "Let him call your work place, its a violation of the RO & he will be proscecuted for harrassment, & that is VERY serious.". He also said he is sure M's atty has cautioned him against doing that, as it would greatly harm his case. :) So i guess i feel pretty safe in that respect.

*My retirement, again, he will be entitled to SOME of it, but it isnt necessarily 50/50. It will depend on either what WE settle on (60/40 most likely, or if i was lucky, 70/30) or if he fights it all & we cant agree & it all goes to trial (PLEASE NO! I cant afford that! & certainly neithr can he), then the judge would decree how much he gets & how much I get. Same thing w/ custody, if he fights it, it could go to trial. :(

*In these temp orders, we also asked that I become the owner of his life insurance policy - since with his Hep C, he is un-insurable if this policy ever lapses, & based on his credit & responsibllity history, it is liekly he woudl let it lapse & that would be detrimental to dd

*I was worried that my income was so much higher ... some years really high, like almosy double, b/c b4 i had the baby, i often worked like 70 hours a week. He said not to worry at all about that, they will see he WASNT working & i had to. They will NOT base me "ability to make a certain amount of money" on those years, but on the recent normal years.

*He said that normally the person who gets to claim the child on the taxes is the one who is providing the majority of care & financial care, & that would be me.

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So, the plan is he will file the papers w/ the court on Monday (my town is almost an hour from the city he practices in, so he is only in my area a few times a week) & then they will call me about his being served, either next Tues or Wed, IF they can find him.

On Thurs feb 24th, we will be in court for the RO & asking to keep it on me, & take it off dd, ONLY for him to have court-ordered supervised visits. That will NOT go over well w/ him & i am afraid he will then say "fine, i wont see dd then". I hope not b.c it will break her heart.

Ave was so pitiful tonite. I have 3 books for kids about divorce & one ask 1/2 way thru how the child feels about what is giong on. She said "I feel like you & Daddy still love each other". I told her we DO have a love for eachother & i would always love Daddy b/c he is her Daddy, but that we will still get divorced. She seemed shocked & started sobbing "I dont want to read these books, I want my Daddy to come home to live".

Ugh, my heart.

So, thats it! A Loooooooooooooong Update! R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 11:41pm

Thank you for the update. I find it very useful to help determine how my own situation will turn out. It looks like things are working out then. But I am a little surprised about the pension. Why are these guys entitled to our pension, even part of it? They are the ones that tried to ruin our lives? The pension should go to the person we choose, not to them! I just don't understand law. Is it correct that your divorce is final now, once he is served? Or is there more to do before the final part?

I spoke to my attorney yesterday and she said next week's divorce court would NOT be the only one. She said both myself and that guy would be questioned so the judge can determine what the cause of the marriage was. THEN the witnesses are called. That must be scheduled for another date. This can go on for awhile until all the witnesses are seen. I really don't wish to call any more and would rather just refer to the testimonies of those used in the restraining order court. But I think he wants to call in every friend (not many) he has to prove he is a really sweet guy. Friends such as the drug dealer guy, the college drop out/one with the police record guy, one mentally unstable guy....

My lawyer seems to think he won't get my pension at all. Hope so. Custody will be sole and most likely me. We are trying for only supervised visitation at least for the first 5 years. I am terrified of leaving my son with him. Not only is he irresponsible, but he has been violent to him as well.

The lawyer said that that guy (I shall only refer to him as THAT GUY from now on) will only be given a delay in paying his court and translator bills but that he will still have to pay later, when he has employment. He will be given no legal assistance from the State to pay his lawyer fees. Guess they didn't buy his plea of poorness either. Perhaps it will make him reconsider when he threatens to sue me over additional petty things like paying his now 1000 in cellular phone bills and then my reaction of shutting off the phone. The law suit was cheaper! But at any rate, he never followed through with it and it was dropped. At 300 per letter to my lawyer, these things get expensive.

I am so happy things are going in your favor now! Keep posting updates!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 12:04am

It is so good to hear from you and the outcome of your hearing...I am so happy to read that you are OK and still standing your ground!!! How is Avery? She will be just fine mommy as long as you are there to take care of her!!!

I AM SOOOOOOOO PROUD OF YOU!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 12:18am

R -


Very productive meeting.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 9:45am

Im glad it can help someone else, thats why i wrote so much.

I *wish* this was final, no , this is JUST THE BEGINNING. I have 2 thinsg going on, 1 is the RO court date. That is where we will drop it on dd ONLY if he agrees to supervised visiatation. It may be hard to get the jduge to do an order for it, since he has never physcially harmed her, & up until recently, when he wasnt furious at me, he was always very good with her. He has been her caretaker in the eves, 3-4 nites a week, for her whole life. The are close, he is loving, fun, supportive, afectionate to her ... but he cannot SEE that the stuff he says to her about me, or the stuff he says & does to ME, in front of her, is so damaging.

Anyway, once the divorce is filed, then 2-3 motnsh after that we have a court date & THAT is where we start making settlement offers ... my atty says it should be done within a year from the date of filing - i sure HOPE so!
R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 9:53am

Thanks so much for the info.

As far as i know, the retirment is only what i have accumulated during marriage ... 6 years. So out of the 23K, i think its about 19K or so. & yes, i woudl be willing (shhh! lol Dont tell HIM!) to give 50% to shut him up on that one.

I asked if they could serve him in court - he said not IN the courthouse, but they can do it outside - & will if the need be.

& i woudl love to hear from Tracy about the supervised visitation thing.

Oh, also, about the retirement, & even the 50.50 thing - i DO see how that is actually good, for MOST people. It is b/c of people life your mom, who held the family & house together & thast WAS her career, as the H gained more & more money & career status. Then the woman (or man) SHOULD be entitled. But as you know, in my case, my H did NOTHING to help further my career, yeah, maybe i was able to work more OT b/c he was home, asleep overnite while dd slept - but i could have JUST as easily worked the same hours while HE worked too. I mean he DID< out of 8 yrs together, work 2 full time. & the rest part time, but as i said, there were LONG periods of unemployment, or temp disability for one thing or another, & other long periods of no income from him at all. So i dont feel he deserves 50% of MY hard-earned money. Not to MENTION that he spent it like WATER all these years!

& can i use *sswipe? lol STBX or M is fine with me.

Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 9:55am

Thnaks! *I* am proud of me TOO! :)

Averey is doing ok, has her moments of sadness & missing Daddy, but i hope that he can come thru & do what he needs to, if for anything, for her sake. She misses him so much. But she understands why its like this for now .... she's ok. Thansk for asking. (also, she is in cousneling at the DV shelter, 1 time a week)

R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 9:56am
ps- this wasnt the hearing. This was the meeting w/ my atty to determine what we woudl ASK for at the temp orders hearing. So hopefully, it will all be ordered or agreed to. Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 1:15pm
Sounds like a pretty good deal overall. 100k isn't too high of a mortgage payment, especially on your income. Or would the mortgage have to be a lot higher than that? Your daughter is still in that stage where her dad can do no wrong. Mine was 10 when I left and she was glad to go, at that age I guess they can process more complex information. Like I miss my dad but I'm glad to live in a normal family now.I think your daughter will be ok, just with time and with her counseling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 2:34pm
No no, i wish. My morgage is 240 K, but it could be sold for about 500K. So i will still be left w/ the full mortgage of 240 K, w/ a mortgage, taxes & ins payment every month of almost $1800 a month. I can pay it ... but its going to be a little tight - but when HASNT it been.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 3:01pm

looks like your in a good position but what a relief it will be when it's over. it took me 2 yrs to get my divorce finalized after i left.
if you have trouble getting sole custody( though don't see why you would) try getting sole physical and joint legal. it's an option that keeps your daughter living with you full time.

he can't make you sell the house. my ex tried to do the same. however my atty informed me that no judge would make a ruling that i would have to sell since i had 2 young girls at home and was working to support them. she said the worst that could happen is that i would have to sell when the youngest was 18. after my ex found our he dropped the idea of court.
i ended up selling anyway. it was very difficult at the time. now i'm so glad i did. the house we live in now is all ours! all the memorys and things here are mine and my daughters -oh and the dog,cats and the guppy! which is a really nice feeling.

i feel so bad for your daughter. mine took it hard but now 4 years down the road they know he and i are better off apart. they also know that they're better off with us apart. they were 3 and 5 when we separated. my oldest didn't want to speak or see him in the beginning and then for time she'd only be with him when i or another was around. my other daughter was more interested in seeing dad. because she had witnessed less and didn't understand as much. she was more interested in dada living at home i don't think my eldest ever expressed that opinion.
they both went through counseling which helped alot. both in dealing with the situation and their dad. their therapist also helped me alot in how to deal with questions and situations involving them, their dad and the divorce. it made things easier in dealing with the whole divorce and him. it also gave me a qualified professional to testify for my daughters and myself when i went to court.

it takes time but your daughter will eventually see that you did this not only for your well being but hers: and that it was the only way to give her the best possible future she could have.

goodluck and hope all continues to go smoothly!

-me

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