Its long, but here is how my filing went
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| Wed, 02-16-2005 - 11:07pm |
1st off, let me treat you to a paragraph in the motion of temporary allowances (child support, sole custody, supervised visitation, ect) - during the divorce proceedings
(D=Defendant, P=Plaintiff Me)
"D has a history of alcohol abuse & has been verbally & physically abusive to P. Due to threats against P's life by the D, & his past threats & verbal & physical abuse, P is in fear of the D. D has threatened to burn the house down w/ P in it, to take the partie's daughter away & make sure P never sees her again, to make sure P loses her job. On one occassion he has his hands around her neck & threatened to "snap her neck". On or about Feb 1,2005, D lost his job & was out of control. P learned from his employer that he had vandalized the work place. When she confronted him, D told her that if she came home "I will rip you to peices" & made other threats. P fled w/ the partie's child for their safety & obtained a no contact order from the Family Court."
How's THAT look? Yikes! SO weird to see it in writing by a legal person!
Although i have been actually looking forward to just getting this DONE< i was quite nervous all the way up there. & i had a MAJOR headache during it ... but now all i feel is (moslty) relief! I am ON MY WAY! ....
Anyway, here are some of the major points i got cleared up in todays meeting:
*There is no way he will get alimony. If he turned down this job (like he threatened to do, to show ME that if i want to see him destittute w/ no home, he will have no job either) we can get proof he is CHOOSING to be unemployed - & he IS employable. He is a very good carpenter AND a boat builder (plus he is an EMT) ... the news paper is filled w/ open jobs in these areas. & if he has taken this job & it pays i think about $13/hr, then i woudl get appx $330 a month in child support. More than i expected.
*As for custody - originally i wasnt going to ask for sole custody, it would have been joint, w/ her living primarily with me & he would have had liberal visitation. But as time has gone on & i have seen how crazy & unstable can be, I told the atty that i would like to attempt to get sole custody - w/ visitation for him ... Liberal visitation, *IF* he is not a mess. When he is "ok", he is great with her, but i cant trust that until we KNOW he is stable & not furious at me still, & not crazed about everything. I explained that if we were to have joint & lots of visitation ordered, & then he continued to go downhill, & also began drinking heavliy, i dont want to have to go back to have it changed. IF, from the outset, we make it clear that I have sole custody & he has regular visitation (only supervised at 1st), then if things are going well, & he is working (which is usually a sign he is emotionally ok) & not dirnking & not terrorizing me, taking his antidepressants b/c there is a HUGE difference when he is med complaint & CERTAINLY & most importantly not emotionally abusing dd by trying to alientate her from me ... then i would be MORE than happy to let him have way more visitation - but it has to depend on whether he is stable mentally or not. The atty felt this was liekly do-able, & if M fights it, then they will most likely appoint a court gaurdian to figure out what is best. & i would think that with his history of alcohol abuse & rage, & MORE than enough witnesses to it all, they woudl feel it was in her best interest to be able to stay with me IF he wasnt stable at the time of scheduled visitation, or any extra visits. Oh, i did ask about a Psyc Eval for him for custody, but he said it woudl be many months b4 we could schedule one (only 2 docs in RI do it), & i woudl have to pay out of pocket, & they woudl make me be eval'd too, & it would be 5K EACH ... so it would cost me 10K. I told him "Well, i already KNOW he is nutz ...." i know, not funny.
*We are a 50/50, no fault state. Atty expalined that is ASSUMING "Equitable distribution", that we each put in about equal parts. That is a STRATING POINT for negotiation, which is based on length or marriage, conduct in the marriage, financial efforts in the marriage, employment history, age, health status, & ability to add assets over the years ... & whether or not that was done & by whom. I told him i am sure he will claim he made less than 1/3 of what did almost all 6 years, b/c he was a SAHD. But he WASNT. 1st off, i dont work till 3pm. 2nd, dd was in daycare or a sitter, or pre-school, many of the days that he didnt work. He COULD have worked, & atty said his claiming a SAHD "wont fly", especially b/c in teh 2 years b4 she was born, his salary was nill anyway. So thats good. I re-iterated to him that i dont want to screw him. I want just to be fair, & maybe even give him a little more than is fair, to just get this over with. But *I* most certainly am not going to get screwed myself financailly. I asked if 70/30 was crazy to shoot for, & he said "it could be a starting point, but i think you can reasonably expect to end up with 60/40, w/o too much of a fight, based on his history."
We have about 200+K equity in the house. I do NOT want to sell to pay him off. I asked him if he could "make me sell" (which he has threatened to do) to get his portion of the equity & he said "He could try ... but it is HIGHLY unlikely that would be ordered". He said there are many scenarios, but i could refi & pay him a chunk of cash up front, then pay him w/ a structured payoff like $100 a month, for 30 years ... or obviously pay him out if i re-marry, or sell. I asked him straight out, "So i can pretty much count on NOT being forced to sell" & he said "yes", so thats good. I think if i refi, i could afford to maybe give him like something like 30K up front, & that would be enough for him to start a new life on, IF he is working - Or if he is CHOOSING to work, AND not throwing his money away, like he did ours for so many years. I swear, i bet he takes the settlement & buys a boat ... mark my words. --- Also, my atty reminded me that 60/40 may be good enough, we will see, b/c "fighting for that other 10% may not be worth it if it ends up having to go to trial b/c you would end up paying so much more in legal fees". I agreed & said we would see how it goes, but by NO means do i want to draw this all out if it was only going to cost more, & i woudlnt end up with that much more.
*I was worried about being held responsible for any of the joint credit we have, where sometimes they leave 1 cc to one party to pay & the other cc to the other spouse, to be responisble for, after the divorce. I told him he will either totally blow it off & *I* would then end up responsible, OR he will claim bankruptcy & i would still be responsible. So based on his HORRID credit history, we woud require that before we give him the pay out of the settlement, the bills must be paid off 1st & close the accounts ... unless i can get off them. Also, i asked "since this divorce is HIS fault, could i get him to pay my atty fees?" Atty reminded me he has no money ... & i said "how do you think HIS atty is getting paid? He will pay him out of the settlement money". I told my atty that i hoped his atty would remind him that he will have a chunk of change at the end, but the longer he fights, the less he will have b/c it will cost more to fight. He asked who his atty was & when i told him he said "He is a pretty reasonable guy, & if he is a childhood freind of your X, i bet he steers him in a good direction, IF he can". The atty's aid asked me later who his atty was & she said "Hmmm, he is Feisty, but not unreasonable". I dont know if i LIKE "feisty"! lol
*About his threatening to get me fired ... he said "Let him call your work place, its a violation of the RO & he will be proscecuted for harrassment, & that is VERY serious.". He also said he is sure M's atty has cautioned him against doing that, as it would greatly harm his case. :) So i guess i feel pretty safe in that respect.
*My retirement, again, he will be entitled to SOME of it, but it isnt necessarily 50/50. It will depend on either what WE settle on (60/40 most likely, or if i was lucky, 70/30) or if he fights it all & we cant agree & it all goes to trial (PLEASE NO! I cant afford that! & certainly neithr can he), then the judge would decree how much he gets & how much I get. Same thing w/ custody, if he fights it, it could go to trial. :(
*In these temp orders, we also asked that I become the owner of his life insurance policy - since with his Hep C, he is un-insurable if this policy ever lapses, & based on his credit & responsibllity history, it is liekly he woudl let it lapse & that would be detrimental to dd
*I was worried that my income was so much higher ... some years really high, like almosy double, b/c b4 i had the baby, i often worked like 70 hours a week. He said not to worry at all about that, they will see he WASNT working & i had to. They will NOT base me "ability to make a certain amount of money" on those years, but on the recent normal years.
*He said that normally the person who gets to claim the child on the taxes is the one who is providing the majority of care & financial care, & that would be me.
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So, the plan is he will file the papers w/ the court on Monday (my town is almost an hour from the city he practices in, so he is only in my area a few times a week) & then they will call me about his being served, either next Tues or Wed, IF they can find him.
On Thurs feb 24th, we will be in court for the RO & asking to keep it on me, & take it off dd, ONLY for him to have court-ordered supervised visits. That will NOT go over well w/ him & i am afraid he will then say "fine, i wont see dd then". I hope not b.c it will break her heart.
Ave was so pitiful tonite. I have 3 books for kids about divorce & one ask 1/2 way thru how the child feels about what is giong on. She said "I feel like you & Daddy still love each other". I told her we DO have a love for eachother & i would always love Daddy b/c he is her Daddy, but that we will still get divorced. She seemed shocked & started sobbing "I dont want to read these books, I want my Daddy to come home to live".
Ugh, my heart.
So, thats it! A Loooooooooooooong Update! R~


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You are right - & my family is actually 120 miles away, but close enough to visit fairly easily. I just dont want to more if i dont have to. Who knows how i will feel down the road, but for now, i adore my house. We live 3 blocks from the beach, i have wonderful freinds & i adore my job. Actually, i do only work 28 hours a week right now & thank God, am still able to make 40K a year. If i had to, i could always work more (I do pick up shifts when its conveneint for some extra cash). Back in the days b4 i realized no matter HOW much i worked & made, STBX just spent it, i did a LOT of hours. B4 i had a child, i did an avg of 70 hours a week. Now i have obvoiusly cut WAY back, but still work enough to make a good living. So yes, i do have a lot of options ... & i am SO grateful for that.
R~
THANX
sounds corny but we're trying to change the world in our own small way. i just lived with that uglyness inside and believing it was me for so long that i don't want anyone else to go there or be there if i can help. it's much better to be full of light and know that you can create a life you love for yourself and those you love.
not that it's easy by any means but it's damn well worth it.
enough rambling
take care
-me
I'm very proud of you, I think we all are. It takes real courage to make the changes that you have made. When we are tired, frightened & unsure it's easier to just leave things the way they are no matter how bad the situation is or gradually gets.
I'm having one hell of a period at the moment, that's why I haven't posted for a few days. My brother who lives with me also discovered he has diabetes. I was very shocked & upset but it explained why he was so tired a lot of the time. The most upsetting thing is apart from a steady diet of pizza, chips, steak & coke he has a relatively healthy lifestyle, he has never touched alcohol, drugs, smoked & walks about 5 miles a day. He's never indulged in all the sins we can't get enough of in our teens & early 20's. I know he'll be ok but it will take some time to sort out his insulin levels.
Make sure you restrict his visitation, don't weaken on this issue. I did & so did Jody & if you read our posts it should be a sobering lesson of all the grief we have been through for years after we left. It gave our X's a doorway into our lives & they used it. A is better off without him. As her mother you know this. Shes only young & she will adjust. When she is a little older she'll understand that her fathers behavior isn't normal. We all try to be fair & even handed towards their fathers & it never works out the way we hope. They just use the children as weapons against us. Be smart from the very beginning & don't give him that opportunity.
It boggles the mind they can take your superannuation. After all we are the one's who have to take time off work to have & raise children. My X couldn't hold down a job or didn't bother to work for a good 2 ½ years of our relationship but he didn't look after the kids & never did any housework, when he did work he spent a good portion of the money on crap. We were never married anyway, I managed to avoid walking down that plank, we never had joint property etc so it wasn't complicated when I left. I always knew I'd leave eventually so I tried to keep things as simple as possible. On one hand I'm as asset poor as a church mouse, on the other it was a lot easier to leave. I'm fearful of the future. I don't earn enough to at the moment to save for retirement. I'm bringing up 4 future tax payers & my reward will be to live out of a car or cardboard box.
You sound strong & happy, keep up the good work & I'll be watching for you posts.
Love from Katie Bear xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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