It's me again with more questions . . .

Avatar for terrihart99
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
It's me again with more questions . . .
2
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 9:04am
Hello all, I hope you all remember me. I'm the one with the husband that wants to be the "master" (spanking,etc.) anyway, My husband and I got in a huge fight last week some of it about the kids, some about us. He told me that everytime we agree to do something as far as money goes and what we need to do to buy a house and get out of debt and such that I never follow through with it. He told me I need to get a job(i said that i would get a job once the kids were settled) I really wanted to start my own business doing crafts and stuff like that but he says you are really good at that and should do it but then he says where will you get the money to start it and it just turned to a real blow up. I even said to him we need some help, some counseling or something and he just looked at me and I said Or don't you do that sort of thing? We didn't talk much for 3 or 4 days and of course his daughter everytime we fight she thinks she has free reign and doesn't have to listen to me (which she doesn't anyway EVER) Anyway I wrote him a long letter about us and our relationship and to make a long story short I said to him we have two choices, #1 we get everything paid off, go back to how we used to be in the beginning, buy a house and live happily ever after, I'll get a job. #2 I still get a job, we get everything paid off for both of us and we go our separate ways. He never said a word about the letter no feedback nothing. Somehow everything always ends up my fault. he never does anything wrong, never says I'm sorry, nothing. So I inturn ripped up the letter and just left it at that. Personally I don't think he loves me anymore and I'm really confused because all I wanted was for the sex stuff to stop. the spanking and the rules and etc. Then last night I found a phone number in his pocket, he works at a tire center and frequently has numbers and stuff in his pocket but this one was different. It said Michelle, the phone number, and at the bottom 7p.m. the only day he worked past 7 was friday I found it last night took it out said to him see here's my proof he said what and that was it. kind of shrugged it off but never said anything to me about it. he picked the number up off the bed when he went to bed and i said yeah don't lose your girlfriends number. Then this morning I noticed it wasn't on the sink anymore and I think he took it with him to work. Now this could be just a customer but I'm extremely worried that it isn't. So now I don't know what to do? It's not like he's gone anywhere but work and when I call him he's there. when we separated once before i was with someone else who manipulated me too and I fell for it. Is this a payback do you think he is cheating I don't know what else to do I feel sick. I'm confused all I wanted was my husband back. The man I married and the man I fell in love with. He keeps talking about buying a house and I don't want to because I feel like we arent' going to be together why should I buy a house with him. we were going to get his credit paid off because he has less than I do and put it in his name because he has a va loan but then I'm screwed if he wants to kick me out then he can. I so don't know what to do. He used to always want sex now It's like he doesn't care, and I don't know if it's because I said to him I would not do his little game of punishment anymore or if he is getting it somewhere else, I know he didn't mind his oral pleasure the other night. He's just different. I love him still and I don't know what to do. I'm scared, confused, angry and I'm driving myself crazy because he doesn't talk to me. any feedback would be great. he doesn't even kiss me the same we always used to kiss each other and say I love you at bedtime, when he left for work etc. I get no I love you and the kisses are just little pecks. Is he cheating on me does he have feelings for someone else, because I went through this before with my first husband and some things are similar. but he comes home after work and I'm not sure he has time for anyone unless it's someone at work. Please help me to understand what is going on.

thanks for your input.

terri
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 3:04pm

Hi Terri -


Here's my take on the situation.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 6:48pm
Hi Terri -

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I can't offer much as I only have read this last post of yours and don't live in your house and see the entire situation. One thing I've learned from my own marriage though is that it's vital to keep those lines of communication open. Have you tried going to counseling for you, to help you get your confidence up that life seems to have done such a good job at beating down? I know when I was struggling through a difficult time in my marriage, it really helped me see a little clearly and approach things more objectively. It also helped me learn how to talk to my DH instead of fighting with him. We have "rules" for fighting which help keep the communication open, but they are only good if you can both stick to them. Things like - "no name calling", "no cursing", "remember that this is the person you love, not the enemy - the situation/problem is the enemy and you're in this thing together". There was a time when I had to tell him (calmly) that I loved the man I married and this wasn't that guy anymore. That surprised him into seeing that "wow... I really have become (in his case) a lazy bum".... and he had a break through. In the years since then, I've really seen a positive change in him and I'm so happy for it.:) I pray your situation changes as well.

Take care of yourself.

~jay

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr