Its time
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Its time
| Tue, 10-19-2004 - 7:36pm |
I am being brave I am typeing this from home. from my own computer. I know how to delete my cookies so I think it is safe. It just isn't working anymore and I am leaving him on friday. He told me not to contact him after I leave, do not try to call him or anything. I am feeling very sad right now, I am still this worthless piece of s*** in his eyes and never going to be good enough for him, why does he have to be so sick. I just don't understand our abusers. I want to burst out and cry so bad right now but I can't I just don't have the energy. I have a place to go I will be staying with a friend and he is being very supportive. That is all this guy is to me is a friend, nothing more, he is more like a brother then anything. I just feel at a loss, I poked myself in the arm with a fork tonight I just want the pain to go away

Oh, honey...
You want to know who the worthless piece is?
CL-Blueliner4
My 1st husband was an abuser andin your post you said you poked yourself in the arm with a fork. I did a little bit of that, physically hurting myself to try and relieve the internal pain.
I know you are going to have a hard time believing it, but things do get better. Once you are out, you will sad, you will go through some depressed times, but eventually you will be happy again.
I dated. I got remarried and my husband now is wonderful, has never called me a name, never yelled at me, and never scared me. If someone would have told me 2 years ago I would be with someone like him, and have such a happy relationship, I would not have believed it.
I suggest you get counseling after you leave your man. You need to work on your self esteem so you don't pick another abuser to be with. You deserve better. No one who loves you should make you cry or hurt you physically or verbally. That is NOT love.
One of the hardest parts for me has been letting go and realizing I am not going to fix him or even convince him that he really does need to be fixed.
I really had it together when we met and I think it intimidated him...Now 7 years and 2 kids later he has fabricated all these "problems" with me...some of which have materialized simply from him telling me they were truth for so long.
It irks me to no end that I am walking away with him thinking he has any reason whatsoever to be ok with us ending but I have to get over it because I almost feel like that is me...becoming like him...trying to control it.
So...Congratulations to you for breaking away and taking care of yourself. If you ever need to talk..feel free to contact me.
I am feeling very sad too...I am doing it but I wish it didn't have to be done...
I wanted to stay living in my world of 'what if's" forever but I need to wake up to the world of WHAT IS. At least this is what my friends and family keep telling me. :-)
Hey girl, keep this in the back of your mind...
I was 28 when I left, too.
;)
One of the advantages of being disorderly is one is constantly making exciting discoveries - A. A. Milne
CL-Blueliner4