It's tough sometimes

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
It's tough sometimes
1
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 11:29pm

I can't say enough how helpful it is to sometimes make light of the situation I'm in...we're in...

Certainly right now things are tough. It is funny that it kind of goes in cycles....kind of like the abuse did. Perhaps I am so used to the rollercoaster ride that I am still unfortunately on it, though certainly going much slower. So I am really wanting to get off this ride. At moments I feel on top of the world. Other moments I can't help but think back on what AHL has done and just curl up in a ball. I really didn't think, up until now, that he had hurt me as deeply as this. But there it is. It certainly is made worse by the fact that AHL is still in my face via the court.


How can an AHL that takes everything....no, steals everything....from his own family, leaves them in pieces and with all the debt, refuses any obligations, and still come back so arrogantly to demand MORE? It's like he robbed us of everything we consider valuable (emotionally as well as financial) and then marches right in to try to take the remaining bits and pieces as well. He must really feel that he is immune to the law because the law has made it quite clear they do not support his pillaging plot.


So with AHL still (one has to laugh) FIGHTING over the odds and ends and even going so far as to say in a document to the court that he will kindly take cash from me, it is hard to pick up the pieces and continue on. Not to mention AHL still demands full custody of the child he never had time for and also abused. The courts are on my side on all these points, but sometimes I just fall apart. It just hurts so bad to think someone wants to hurt you so bad.

No, I guess I am not ready for another relationship though I wish for one. I look into the faces of men passing by and wonder which ones are capable of doing what AHL did. It sometimes feels hopeless that I would ever find anyone else. Even if I did, I would be afraid to have anyone even so much as hug me, or kiss me, or say nice things about me. Of course right now it is impossible for me to believe them. I cringe at the thought because it reminds me of what lead up to the AHL embarrassing and perverted groping that I so much resented. Sometimes you just wish you could hit the 'undo' button..... But without that, I guess you just hold your head high, keep a good attitude, and be patient enough to wait for wounds to heal a bit more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 2:02am

Everything you're going through right now is typical.

CL-Blueliner4