Its turned abusive..what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Its turned abusive..what to do?
4
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 2:46am

Bit of a background: We both come from abusive and dysfunctional backgrounds (different dynamics/situations, but abusive nonetheless). The difference between us is that I've always known my home life wasn't OK, and he only figured that out after we were married and in counseling. My upbringing involved mainly physical abuse, where his primarily involved verbal abuse and control. The main reason we went to marriage counseling was due to his parents, their treatment of me, and his acceptance of the situation. We also didn't know how to communicate well, and fought quite a bit. Counseling did help, but our relationship didn't really get healthy until we moved 3,000 miles away from his parents. We had gotten married in NC but moved to WA for him to go to school, only to either move back here to NC after 7-8 months or divorce. His parents were a huge problem in our relationship, and I wasn't about to be okay with them or let them have any part in my life, while he loves them dearly and wants to justify their behaviors. Let bygones be bygones I suppose.....riiiight. I didn't marry those fools, and they aren't going to abuse me. I don't even allow my own parents to abuse me, much less someone else's. I don't think his parents are an issue anymore, there is no relationship there, and he knows there never will be between them and me. BTW- we didn't know each other that long before we got married..not the best move at all, but we did it. The outside people/issues were never a part of our relationship because I didn't see any of these dynamics or meet his parents until after we were married.


I pretty much discount most things that happened in the beginning of our relationship because we were both at fault. I said mean and nasty things when angry, and so did he. Plus, after marriage counseling, things did get a lot less hostile, and we were expecting a baby. After we moved back here, he told me for the first time that he didn't think he was in love with me, and that he didn't want to be here. He was on board with moving back home- there were other reasons besides just his parents, but they probably would have been enough. I'm still hurt when I think back to that time. I know he was going through a lot emotionally, but we were supposed to be bettering out lives and marriage- not him threatening to leave me 6 months pregnant. He also said things along the lines of he would have no relationship with our son because he couldn't stand me. :cringe: He threw the "I don't love you" line in there as well. He has considerable anger and will go on for days with either completely ignoring/refusing to talk to me, tearing me apart, highlighting all of my flaws and telling me I'm crazy, telling me I need counseling, etc. At this time, he would be apologetic and admit he needed some help, he knew he was abusive and didn't like it, etc. He father is extremely abusive, and has always made me feel terrible. He was a sargeant something or other in the ARMY, and ran his household like he was constantly on the job. Lots of verbal abuse when angry, lots of tearing people apart, and corporal punishment towards the kids. I can't stand that man, but I instantly felt like I was in the room with him when DH was acting like this.


So things were okay for about a month, and then I had our son at 28 weeks. I was in the hospital for 16 days, had a botched c-section, and infection that couldn't be treated, bad care by doctors, and PPD.

.emily.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 9:53am

Hi Sweet Hopes. I like that name!

First thing I'd do if I were you would be to cancel that appointment on Wednesday and make an appointment for only yourself with a domestic abuse counselor. Please call the domestic violence hotline 800-799-SAFE (7233)800-787-3224(TDD) for info on where to find help in your area. Couples counseling does not work in abuse cases, as you've already found out.

I also wouldn't do anything I didn't really want to do just because I felt I had no other choice. Joining the military is a HUGE deal, and that's something you should only do if you absolutely have no doubt it's what you want. It doesn't really sound like that's what you want to do.

A domestic abuse counselor can help you see what your options are. You don't have to stay in this relationship.

From everything you've described, he sounds like a typical abuser. I'm sure he's going to sound very familiar to a lot of women here that this messageboard. He sure sounds familiar to me!

There's a lot of great information here, so please read as much as you can here and at the board web site.

You CAN get your life back!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 11:31am

Oh, Sweet Hopes, my deepest condolences on the passing of your angel baby boy.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 3:57pm

Welcome, Hopes.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 6:20pm

Thank you all for the kind words and advice. I do talk to my two girlfriends about things that go on, and they always have the same answer- leave. I just feel so darn stuck, and everyone is telling me not to make rash decisions. Ugh.


I am going to call the marriage counselor tomorrow morning and let him know what is going on. Instead of him running his mouth all the time trying to highlight healthy ways to communicate (which would be great if that was the main problem!), I need to let him know that I am dealing with constant abuse and if he doesn't have any background or knowledge or anything that sounds good to me, we just won't be going to MC again. I am not going to sit through one more session of that mess when it just makes me angrier. He has already gotten $100/2 hours of my time, and he hasn't even addressed anything yet. I sort of already felt like it would be of no help because DH was describing how things had been, and he left it like that until I said wait a minute- I feel totally different. Basically DH was giving some crap about how we hadn't been fighting and we just wanted to work on our communication and stuff. I did tell the counselor at that time that he was abusive, and I felt totally different. Never addressed that. Popped in his stupid video regarding healthy communication. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! The last counselor we had was a million times better than this freak, but she also held him accountable for his abusiveness and it got through to him for the time being.


Maybe I should be scared of DH- but I think for the most part I am just sick of him and I am so tired of dealing with his BS. I'm not falling for any of his mess and never have. It does seem to me that in the past 4 months he has become insane in his thinking and actions, but I'm not scared of him. Mostly I have held back because its not like I have anywhere to go right now. With his constant threats of leaving and all the other crazy stuff he says, I don't want to be in the position where I'm out on the street, no car, no money, nothing. So I have been holding back my feelings and just letting him ramble about and act crazy. My personality doesn't like any of this and its not normal for me to sit back and just let him fly off at the mouth, but atleast that was my excuse at the time for why I was being quiet. I will no longer be quiet. I do realize this marriage is probably not going to work out, and mostly because he doesn't seem to have the capacity anymore to be a decent human being. But I ain't gonna go out being all quiet and not having a voice. It can become a warzone up in here for all I care. The most hilarious thing is that after I puked all that stuff on him last night, kicked him out of the room, took the heater from him, and let him know I wouldn't be putting up with his mess- he has been quiet, and the only thing he has asked me was did I want him to take me to the store for some items and I did I want him to cook me a meal. I told him to get out and what I really wanted was for him to stay away from me. I know it must surprise him as in my pattern I might fight back, but ultimately I will beg, plead, apologize...basically disrespect and demean myself to stop the drama. I hate that so much but I get so tired of his mess sometimes. The only thing I have never receaded on was the issue with his parents and him taking his mess out on our son. It was amazing how strong and protective I was over Giovanni...DH knew if he ever got out of line I would stab him because those 2 issues were not something that I would ever tolerate. How come I don't stand up for myself like that? Well I know why. I have never wanted the marriage to end, I love him, I always have this hope that things will work out and he feeds that hope with his words, and I don't have anywhere to go.


Okay. So after I call the MC tomorrow I am going to call that abuse hotline and ask if there is a counselor here that I could see. BTW, I live in NC (USA). I guess I will just take things from there. I would love to talk to a counselor right now. I just don't have insurance at the time, and of every one I called, my current MC was the only one affordable, and that's still at $50 an hour session. So hopefully they will be able to find someone for me that is affordable or won't care that I don't have insurance. I'm thinking they should be able to because abused women don't always have money.


I have been sitting here waiting for things to change. Waiting for him to address his abuse and knock it off. Maybe its also because I don't have much experience with these abusive patterns. Sure, I can spot them right away, but when he has those moments of clarity, he is really sorry, and expresses desire to get help, I want to believe him. I have seen him work hard on himself and our marriage in the past, its just that since our son passed, he ain't having none of that. I need to let go of the way things used to be, and focus on the future. I need to take care of myself and find some way out of this mess. I really do want to take care of myself completely for the first time in a long time. I have mized emotions, but mostly I'm just angry. Mostly when I picture myself away from this situation, being able to support myself without him, it makes me feel strong and true to myself. I do miss my son dearly though, I miss our family, I miss our relationship at that time, and I know that's why I haven't let go yet. Imagine this...we were trying to conceive again until The beginning of October, but I can't and won't have sex with him anymore. There is no way I can give my body to someone that treats me that way. And it is a struggle because I do want another child, I do want to be a mother again, and I do want my family back. Do not worry though- I would never bring a child into a mess like this. I'm just trying to be honest about some of the things I desire.


Anyways, thank you all for helping me. It's easy for other people to tell me to leave, but they can never lead me in any kind of direction, recommend reading material, give me numbers to call, etc. I will also pick those books up at the library tomorrow. DH will just have to drive me around to all these things I want to do or I will just take his car...whether he likes it or not. Of course, if I find a counselor I am not going to go around screaming that its for abused women, but I will tell him I am going to IC. Heh- thinking about that makes me laugh because you know he'll be like, "Thank God. It's about time you got some help for your issues." What a dirtbag. He is so clueless. LOL.

.emily.