ivillage helped me leave an abuser

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
ivillage helped me leave an abuser
3
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 11:08pm
Hello! It's been four years since I've posted here. I just wanted to let those out there that may be struggling with an awful verbal/physical abuser that there is hope--you can get out. I survived a 3 year marriage to a horrible person and since leaving that relationship I realize that they were easily the 3 most miserable years of my life. Before coming to ivillage message boards I held on to the idea that he would change his awful behavior and that I should just put up with it. Before ivillage I thought you could have love without respect and mistook pity for love. I justified the fact that it was okay if he just shove me or held me down as long as he didn't hit me. I justified that it was okay for him to call me names. I justified that it was okay that he was awful to me because he had a bad childhood/ low self-esteem or bad day. But through ivillage support I began to realize that his addiction to porn, his lying and his aggressive behavior wasn't going to change and that I didn't deserve that kind of treatment!

I left. By doing so I completely turned my life around. I got out of debt, through college a good job and a whole football field of self confidence.

I am now engaged to be married a second time and I marvel at what treatment that I called "love" before. With someone that abuses you, calls you unkind words, disrespects you there is no love. Period. My current fiance has never called me a name. He's never raised his voice at me. He's never lied to me. He never laid an unkind hand on me. THIS IS WHAT IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE!! If it's not like this--get out now!

If you think that you aren't worth it or good enough, think again. My ex husband had this magical ability to bring out the worst in me. I screamed, I raged, I hit...and now I'm appalled that I ever behaved that way. I couldn't dream of behaving that way today--but then there is no reason to. Someone that truely loves you will not bring out the worst in you-- they bring out the best.

If he hits, leave; if he calls you names, leave; if he disrespects you, leave! I cannot express this opinion enough.

My life is a trillion times better than it was four years ago. I am a smart, self-confident, happy, completely head-over-heels-in-love woman. I have the relationship that my girlfriends admire. This person that I am today would not have been possible with my ex.

If you are waiting for him to change, stop! If you are compromising, remember that life is short. You only have a short time on this earth--is this how you want to spend it?

I look back now and wonder why I wasted so much of my life on that creep! I can't imagine it I would be so miserable. There are too many nice, decent, respectful guys out there to waste your time on a bad one that brings you down.

TRUST ME ON THIS LADIES. You will not sorry!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 11:19pm
THANK YOU FOR YOUR POST! I printed it so I can read it everytime I feel jealous that he is with a new girlfriend on the honeymoon period (in Maui now). Treating her like a queen the way he treated me in the beginning of my 3 year relationship. My ex was just like yours addicted to porn (everyday) now I know he was a liar and his rage had me walking on eggshells. I have to know he did not change, unlike you its only been 3 months for me with no contact so I'm kinda in limbo and I'm probably alot older than you so I don't know if I will ever meet anyone. But it's O.K. because I wake up when I want go to sleep when I want see my friends, talk on the phone without whispering the craziness goes on and on. People on this board help me to know they don't change his behavior will surface with this new victim because all the women before me experienced it. You are an inspiration and thanks so much for your positive energy.

Helene
Avatar for silvermoon458
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 2:32pm
Hi Soap e Bubbles,

Thank you SO much for coming back to the board to share your message. You have expressed it beautifully. Hearing this wonderful outcome for you has a HUGE impact on everyone that reads it.

Hugs and congratulations. I am grinning at your 'football field full of confidence.' I love that! I can hear the fans screaming out your name. : )

Christine

Outside ideas of right doing and wrong doing, there is a field. I will meet you there. -- Rumi
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 3:37pm
hi soap e---

i have a question. when you left did you still feel like you were in love with him? was it incredibly hard to do, what made you finally leave (was it an incident or was it just feelings that had built up)? I have never been physically abused and doubt that I will. My bf (of 3 years, live together) has a terrible temper but i do think it is calming down, i just can't tell if i've checked out mentally or not. i'm afraid to leave what we do have.....and lately, he can't stop telling me how much he loves me, how beautiful I am, etc. Lots of things have happened in the past but when things are good it is so hard to say adios. And i don't even know deep down WHAT i want, but I think i want what you have now....but who knows if that will happen. and i keep thinking of all my bfs wonderful qualities that i wonder if i will find with anyone else. he is an extremely passionate person, whether it be for the good or the bad. Just wondering what your thoughts were. thanks.......