Jackie you're right
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| Wed, 04-14-2004 - 2:01am |
I'm also going to leave my dh. We've been together for 22 years. We met when we were 19. We don't have any kids, just a couple of dogs.
I don't know how I'm going to do it yet. He's away until the weekend. I'm so happy, I have a whole week of peace and quiet. But, it also gives me time to look into the things I have to do and be around my friends and get support and advice.
I also have walked on eggshells. Dh hated his job so badly at one time (8 years ago) that I would get nervous before he'd come home. And I didn't know how to greet him, what ever I said I got yelled at. If I said 'yeah you're home, I missed you.' he'd yell at me thinking I was accusing him of being late. Or if I asked how his day was he'd yell at me again and say 'how do you think my day was I hate that *** place!'. But he wouldn't look for another job. And he'd spend the whole evening radiating anger. That's when I sat him down and said 'either we work on this or I leave because I don't think I love you anymore.' Well that changed things for awhile. But it always goes back into the cycle doesn't it.
He got mad enough at me once that he was taking off his shoe and he generally kicked it in my direction. It missed me but bounced off the ceiling and left a mark on it.
Years ago when I was younger I cleaned our apartment from top to bottom, walls, closets everything, I worked all day long and I did a damned good job. When he got home I was looking for approval, but instead he told me he could find a place where I'd missed. I dared him, he reached up to the top of the bathroom door and swept his finger along the edge of it and found some dust. And he thought he was impressive for finding it. I was so mad, furious, I saw red, I slapped him across the face. He couldn't say anything good, he just found bad. What a creep. I think that day, all those years ago was the beginning of the end. That must have been about 16 years ago.
Okay, I've got to stop now. There's so much to tell I could write for days. The lies, the distrust, the anger, lack of respect. How did I fall in love with a guy like that?
Jessie

Welcome to the 20+ club! When I first started here, I thought that I was the only person that allowed myself to be abused for years. But there are alot of us out there. I have been free for about 5 months now. My stomach still turns when I think of the manipulaton, hatred and conditioning that Wendell has done to me. Wendell is also one of those "loved by all" jerks. Wish they would have been in the bedroom the nights he screamed and yelled horrible things to me. They would have only had to witness just one of those thousand incidents and their hair would have curled. I am slowly realizing that it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks of him or that they think you are a nut. I am a nut I have decided, just not sure what kind, maybe I will be a walnut!
How did you fall in love with him? Well, the way that everyone else out there thinks he's great, he did the same thing to charm you into his web. They slowly train you to think of them and their needs only. The are insidious creatures who get a thrill out of making you feel inept. The more they eat away at your self-esteem, the more power they have over you.
Good Luck!
Terry
I'm like you - I could go on and on and actually have to make myself stop. There are so many things that have happened I could go forever!
Yep, Terry and I have both been there 27 years. Seems like an eternity, doesn't it?
My STBX has a certain charm about him. He is like his dad who was very much the con artist and criminal. However, I have discovered that there are a lot of people who don't like STBX very much. Even though he has that charm he has an arrogance about him that turns people off.
I have no self-confidence. He crushed that for me years ago. Up until the time I filed for divorce I was still trying my best every day to do something he would compliment me on. I never did anything right according to him. Then he would make a comment about somebody else doing the same thing and how well they did it. I know all this was just his way of controlling me and his sick way of hurting me for his own self gratification. I asked him once why he always hurt me and he said, "I want to hurt you before you get a chance to hurt me". Now isn't that just uncomprehendable???
There are days that are bad and days that are o.k. I'm depressed (so what? I've always been while I've been married to him), I'm lonely (not as lonely as I was with him), I've had some trouble with a couple of my kids (caused by STBX), but really I feel better about myself and more secure since he's been gone. He's still trying to control me financially, but I'll make it. I'm sleeping better and I know I'll make it.
You can, too.
Hugs,
Jackie
Thanks for the encouragement. I was surprised to see women in my shoes in my age group. Actually I was really happy to know there are women out there just like me.
I don't know how or even when I fell in love with him. We met in a bar (remember this was the early 80's, it was okay to do that then). And within a couple of months he was going home to see his family for a visit and I was crying my eyes out because I was going to miss him. I don't remember the first time I thought 'I love you', I don't even remember the first time I told him that. I know he told me he loved me first. But, there was nothing truly romantic about the situation. Even his proposal was unromantic, kind of like an off hand comment.
I don't think he's truly the type to consciously know what he's doing to me. I think he grew up in that type of enviroment and that's all he knows. I know he has a ton of baggage, I tell him he has baggage and should deal with it, but he always denies it. You know for most people we all have a certain amount of pyschology that we've learned along the way and we can all see why certain people do certain things. But not him, he can't read people in that way. He wouldn't know rapid blinking could mean someone's trying to lie, he wouldn't know that alot of what he does is because he learned to be that way by watching his family doing it when he was little. He just doesn't get that. It surprises me sometimes.
Terry how did you meet and fall for your x? By the way do you know what STBX means? I've seen it in a few posts, and I just can't figure it out other than it's something about the x.
Jessie
I know what you mean about discovering people don't like your x. I can tell when someone doesn't like my husband, because he's so agressive in his approach and his conversations are usually all about him. You know, he's not a good listener, he interupts to insert conversation that always ends up being about him. It's embarrassing to me that he tries to invite himself, or us, over to other people's places and I know they don't want us there because he's so in your face. It's so embarrassing.
The comment your x made to you shocked me. Who'd actually admit that out loud? Wow. You must have been floored. My husband (geez, I'm starting to hate that word) doesn't say anything like that. But I have dreams all the time where he's leaving me, or cheating on me, and I'm doing everything in my power to hurt him by saying nasty things or trying to hit him, but nothing I do is effecting him. The words don't hurt him and my slaps or hits either never make contact with his face (I'm usually trying to slap his face in my dreams), or when my hand makes contact it's lost all it's power and he just laughs at me. I feel like no matter how hard I try I could never hurt him as much as he's hurt me.
I also feel that he doesn't love me anymore, but hasn't taken the time to really think about it. I feel that after I've been gone for a little while he'll realize that he doesn't miss me and he'll think he's happier without me. He's just not a deep thinker so he never analysises (sp?) how he feels.
I'm sorry to hear that he still has a meaty hook into your finances. My friend is going through that and they've been apart for over a year. It's so tough.
Thanks for the words of kindness.
Jessie
STBX = Soon to be X
DD/DS = Dear daugher, dear son
CL-Blueliner4
Interesting question on how I met and feel for good old Wendell. It's something I hadn't thought of for a long time. The ironic part was he pursued me. We had gone to the same church growing up so that is how he knew who I was. Well, he asked me out once when I was 16 and I told him no I had to sell girl scout cookies that night(I think he got the message because what 16 year old would go out and sell cookies!). I did not want to go out with him. Well, he got some girl pregnant and they moved to FLA. She kicked him out 2 years later and he came back home. Well, I had just moved back from DC, most of my friends had moved away, so I really didn't hadn't gotten back into any type of social life. Well, he called me and I wasn't sure whether I wanted to go out with him or not. Since there wasn't much going on I did. He pretty much hounded me. It was funny because he would show up late for dates and do different things and I would get angry, then he would be this awesome person. Well, I had finally had enough of it and planned on breaking it off when he was in a serious car accident. His mom kept calling and saying that he needed me. I had told my mom that I really didn't want to see him anymore and she said I really should go see him in the hospital. Once I went in it was over because I could see how bad he needed me (or so I thought). The rest is just a bunch of ugly history. Another thing I think that made me marry him was he was my first. I look back now and can't believe it. So many times I could have given myself to guys, but wanted to save it for the right person. Well, that was one of the things he hounded me for at the onset. It's sick, because I remember when I finally gave in, his comment was "wow, I never had a first-timer before." Funny how you remember things.
Jackie said something to me about looking back and not remembering any happy times with her STBX. That's is interesting because I can't really remember any "great" times either. Many of the good things he did I knew I was going to have to pay a price for.
Such is life, but no more by golly. Each day I seem to get a little stronger and happier. Fortunately you don't have children and he can't use them against you. That is the main reason I am having a lot of trouble. Deep in my gut I know he won't quit till he has ruined me. He has made so many attempts so far, but the arrogant a@@ forgot one minor detail...I am a survivor and will not be put to rest easily. He also thinks I am very dumb...wrong again. He thinks that he can manipulate everyone and he has for quite a while, but he won't do it to this little lady anymore. If I am patient (which I am not, but trying real hard)I know that this will all come around.
Hey thanks, I haven't posted for a while and needed to vent a little!
Terry
My H has made many, many cruel comments to me. Sometimes I can't believe I have any self-confidence at all. We have 4 children; he got mad at me because I had my tubes tied - you know, the more kids I had at home the more tied down I was, even though I worked a full-time job, too, and he helped me -0- with the kids and house. After I got my tube tied he kept reminding me that he could still have kids with someone else. He told me that I couldn't fulfill my womanhood now that I'd had my tubes tied. One night he had been to a bar and came in about 10:30 and told me he'd met 3 women there who'd be good mothers to his children! Once who took a video of us in the bedroom (unknowing to me). I found the tape one night and approached him with it. He called me a nosey bitch and told me that I should be glad he chose me to make it with! I think he spent his days trying to think of things he could say to me to hurt me. I have vowed he'll never hurt me like that again - I've discovered I don't care enough.
He is pulling this 'Mr. Good-Two-Shoes' routine with the kids. I had called him about some money and when he saw the caller id he called our daughter to see if she'd called him (he knew damn good and well she didn't, because she never does). I heard his conversation with her and he was being so sweet (more like cunning) and told her he missed her so much and loved her so much. Well, he's been gone nearly a month and has contacted her twice! He really cares, doesn't he? He makes me want to puke.
I will be so glad when I don't have to have any dealings with him - well, just the minimal. His father was a criminal and a con-man, and he certainly takes after him.
Jessie, the way you sound, I believe you'd be so much happier away from him. I believe you're ready. What are you waiting for?
Hugs,
Jackie