To Jodyannrn

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
To Jodyannrn
5
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 8:08pm

Sorry I've been away so long. I have been working long hours & the children have been keeping me busy. My 12 year old got himself badly sunburned on Sunday, one of the few good days we have had here, (it only takes 20 min with him, he has milk white skin & red hair) so between working & trying to manage his pain it's been hectic.

Now, I hope you are not talking to this moron. I'm scared he is going to manipulate you because he knows you feel bad about taking him to court. Remember when I told you they go after the soft hearted women? Make him think you have changed. Even if you haven't fake it. Don't give him an inch. Every time he is on the phone keep a list of all the rotten things he has done to you & the children. Times he broke your nose & arm, tried to take your daughter off you, withheld money to make your life harder, called you vile names etc. That will encourage you to keep the conversations short & sweet. If you need to discuss the children e-mail him. That way he can't steer the conversations to other areas he wants to gain control, like child support or visitation.

Has he stopped manipulating your girls? Are you still being stressed out? Did you get that silly clause where he can pick them up from a babysitter revoked?

My hearing went fine, I don't remember if I told you. I wanted it stated in the orders that he doesn't take them to any family members but he promised my lawyer & the judge he wouldn't & they said they would take his word. I said that was fine but if he broke his promise I'd be paying a visit to the family including him with my crowbar & bugger the consequences. I expected a ticking off but the judge just said that was a fair statement from a protective mother. My lawyer simply grinned. So it's on the record if he exposes the girls to any of his family a few heads are going to be broken.

I'm off to clean this bomb site of a house. It drives me crazy the way it falls apart when I work my shifts. We have also had the worst weather for February, it hasn't stopped pissing down & the washing has taken over the house. All the kids wear uniforms to school so you would think I'd have less of it but I swear they must change 5 times a day I have so much of it.

I had a lovely time with the toy boy. These days I have a simple criteria for the men I date, one they don't have children & two they had better accept the fact they won't get to see me very often. I also don't require them to be very smart, I've discovered it's not necessary. Being good natured is.

Let us know how things are & I'm here for you.

Love Katie Bear xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 9:17am

I was a little bit let down after the hearing. I didn't get very far at all with the things concerning the kids. The hearing was very rushed, way too much to cover all in one. Most of the hour was figuring child support. My lawyer did mention the babysitter clause, but it really didn't get addressed in the rush of things. I wish there was a way I could get it to where he doesn't have so much access to them. Right now he has them pretty much every weekend, from Fri night til Sun night. The papers say he gets them 3 weekends out of the month. He ends up getting them almost every weekend since I end up going to work on the weekends I can have them. I've only been working Sat and Sun.

The judge just talked to him about it, saying he has to bring the kids back when it is time for them to come back. He sat there and told the judge a bunch of lies, that the kids are only 15 min late on occasion. I really didn't get anywhere with it.

I've had a little time to think about things, and I no longer feel guilty about anything. He was ordered to pay the lawyer's fees I incurred for the hearing, plus he has to pay me $1319 a month, plus he is in arrears from last May and owes me over $10,000 already. So that part went very well. Now I just need to work on the kid situation.

Before this hearing I tried to get him to agree to a modification of visitation and I would accept less support. I almost had him to where he agreed to have them only every other weekend and cut out the right to first refusal. He almost agreed, but then wouldn't cut out that babysitter clause. It would be very easy to change things if he agrees to them. It will take months if I have to fight him on this now.

As far as things are going now, I've had a very insecure feeling lately with the kids. My oldest wants to be over there. She cried about an hour after they dropped her off to me last Sunday. It is more about that her best friend is over there(her stepsister). She is not crying about daddy. She says she cries because she "didn't get enough time to play." I wish I had more weekends with her so she could maintain her friendships with the kids in the neighborhood by my house.

He has been doing little things to be nice to me. He is acting like there is nothing wrong and wished me a happy birthday on the answering machine on the 8th. I've decided to take that money, not give him a dime back. I'm going to get the things we need around here and I will put the rest in the kids savings accounts. He manipulates me just like when we were married. It's just like when I put him in jail, and then felt guilty about it and bailed him out.

Well, I'm glad to hear your hearing went well. Sounds like everything is straightened out and going good for you. Jody.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 10:57am
P.S. I need to do something about this new stepmom situation, I just don't know what yet. She is just too eager to take the kids from me, and I feel it's like two against one here. It's like she sees herself as a replacement for me. Then she asks me during the week if my kids could go over there and play with her kids. You would think she would get tired of carting around two extra kids every weekend. You would think my ex would start treating her like dirt just like he did me. I haven't seen any evidence of that yet. If it wasn't for her, my ex wouldn't even come around so much to get the kids. He couldn't come and go as he pleased. Well, that was just something I was thinking about. Jody.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 6:55pm

You're right, you do have a few hurdles to overcome. But I'm so proud of you for just taking the first of many steps to put him in his place. I know that could not have been easy. I had to do it myself & after the policy of peace at any cost it was a difficult change to make.

Can you e-mail this stepmother? It would be easier than talking to her. That way you get your point across without being sidetracked or interrupted. It would be tempting to let the girls go over during the week especially during the holidays. You'd be tired & need a break but at this point I personally don't think it's a good idea. It's counterproductive in trying to lessen their influence. Just politely tell her in the e-mail it's very nice of her to make the offer but not to bother asking anymore, you have a strict routine to follow. Not that you would want them but make the offer to have her children over for a visit. That way if they try & make out you're being unreasonable it's in writing you have tried to be flexible. It is strange she wants them, but they have only been married for a short time & maybe the novelty hasn't worn off yet. Plus she doesn't work which gives her the time & energy to look after them. My X is telling the girls they have to call the new GF 'Mum' if they marry, yeh, over his & her dead bodies. Mind you the GF doesn't insist on having them all the time, she's had her family & although she is very nice to the girls I get the impression she doesn't want them under her feet 24/7.

You don't know if she's being abused. I remember when I was with the X or various BF's I never spoke to anyone about their behavior towards me or if I did I made a joke of it. I was too ignorant & ashamed. I thought the way I was treated was normal. It would range from never taking me out or spending any money on me, ignoring my birthday, derogatory comments about my intelligence, not calling for over a week, neglecting my emotional needs to one BF nagging then stalking me when I wouldn't reconcile after we had broken up & he wanted to take the relationship seriously after going out with me for 1½ years. After trying to discuss my problems with people who I thought were my friends & after being stung by judgmental comments I kept my problems to myself. You are the last person on earth she is ever going to confide in. He must have abused other women in the past, he's not going to bragg about it to you or anyone else, there is nothing in your personality that suddenly provoked him. It's just he could take it further with you because he trapped you with children & a sense of love & obligation to make the marriage work. That's what happened to me. I know my X is just being more careful with the new GF. Plus she's older & wiser than I was at the time I met him & could probably spot the signs quicker. He's still a grumpy, childish p*&#k. This new attitude of his doesn't fool me for a second. He's just acting this way because it suits him. It's the same with your X. Past history has shown him if he's nice & reasonable you will give in. Well, thats the way they look at it. All we are trying to do is maintain the peace & give them the benefit of the doubt & they end up taking advantage of it.

Of course he would stall any changes in the right to first refusal. He's going to make your life managing the children as hard as possible. I don't know what you can do about it except make the offer you made to change the clause now money is more of an issue. I'm positive that if you took it to court a judge would change it for you. It simply doesn't work. At the time you were just trying to do what was best for the girls. No matter where you live most systems are geared to being flexible towards children. Any judge would have to realize it's insane & unworkable.

I'm so happy you don't feel guilty about the money anymore. Guilt is a hard habit to let go of. No matter how badly we are treated we always feel guilty about leaving, taking the children, a few necessary items from the house, money from the bank that is rightfully ours etc. I took as little as possible, used valuable retirement money to set up a new house & left him with $4000 in the bank & he still bitched to everyone I'd cleaned him out. You can't win. I came to the conclusion I didn't have to apologize to him or anyone else for that matter. I did what I had to do to & I did it with a lot of grace & dignity. I hear these traits in you in ever line you write.

Feeling let down afterwards is a normal reaction. I had it too. I'd worked myself into a state of high stress when I first approached the X about the changes in the orders because I knew we were all in for a rough ride. I was tired, frightened & there were many times I just wanted to let the whole thing go because of the stress the children were going through but it was worth it in the end.

I'd better go. I could spend all day here! I love reading all the posts, replying etc. I will keep an eye out for 'rich'. I had a bad feeling about her X & asked her to clear out of the house for the night & we haven't heard from her so I'm fretting. Whenever these men deviate from their normal behavior my alarm bells go off double time. He sounds like a nightmare. One thing this board has shown me & given me reason to be grateful is there is worse out there than my X. It always pays to count your blessings & compared to a lot of women I have much to be thankful for.

By the way does anyone have a recipe for 'Key lime pie' it sounds like heaven!

Love Katie Bear XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 11:30pm
Well, my next step is I want his visitation changed. I want him to have every other weekend, and cut out the babysitter clause. After that I will be set. I plan to have the papers drawn out by the lawyer and then I will wait for just the right time to ask him to sign it. I have to get him to agree to it somehow, otherwise it will take another 9 months to get it changed if I have to fight it. Something will come up eventually, like he will get behind in his support payments or something and he will just get tired of it and sign it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 12:19am

That's fantastic! Do you realize how much your tone has changed over that last few weeks, even days? You would have wet your knickers at the thought of making any changes, it felt like defying him didn't it? You hang on to that new back bone, it can only get stronger.

You can now give me a hand in trying to squeeze money out of my X. We don't go to court here, it's handled by a different department & they take out a percentage. It's not negotiable. I don't want to send him to the poor house which is where he'll end up if I let them handle the matter. I just want $60 a week. He's always had the attitude since I left supporting them was my problem. I nearly fell over when he gave me money for their new school uniforms. $80, big deal, but it was a start after 4 years of practically nothing. He just helps himself to whatever clothes or toys I buy too. I had a hard time getting the money out of him for Xmas & I haven't heard the end of his financial problems. The girls come home after a visit telling me I must not ask for money because he wants to buy the GF a ring. I sent him an e-mail last December pointing out he'd spent $115 on a gift for the GF & I'd just spent $150 on dental bills for Kathleen so her teeth don't fall out from all the muck he feeds her. He's very possesive about money.

Anyway, had my rant. Kathleen wants to use the computer, it will stop her & Hannah from tearing each other limb from limb. Their bickering can drive me up the wall.

Love Katie Bear xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx