Just breathe!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Just breathe!!
7
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 8:51pm

I'm trying to rechannel my energy so that I don't knock my husband's head off. I have about five projects on the go, just to stay sane. Last night, he called my projects "portable projects" meaning if I left him they would be easy to take with me. He said this after I planted some flowers in containers instead of in the ground. *L*

I have no illusions that things are going to get better. It just isn't. Even though we had 46 hours with no arguments, I know in my heart that it is over. 46 hours!!! Isn't that pathetic?? I feel like I just need to keep the peace and stay safe. I so desperately want to calm down and have a healthy baby. I know that before I ever get out of here in one piece I am going to have a lot of opportunities to practice breathing!

So in the 47th hour, I was driving home from work today and I called him on my cell phone to tell him I'm coming home. He was in a good mood, we were laughing and talking about the cat. I told him about the company in town that I found that cuts mirrors to specifications and then I told him that he could go there to get a piece of glass cut for the clock that he broke. SILENCE on the phone. We have had an ongoing debate about a clock. This clock is all hand made, absolutely beautiful. My exhusband made it more me as a graduation gift when I finished my master's degree. He had a tree cut from our property and planed, then he spent countless nights away from the house making the clock as a surprise. It is absolutely gorgeous!!! It has a pendulum and is about 2 feet high and made out of birds-eye maple. Well my husband has always been jealous of my exhusband - probably because he is a really nice guy - very kind and gentle. One night about a year ago, we were talking about our exes, and I told my husband that my ex and I had something special between us for years (gosh, we were married and have a son together!). The next day, my husband smashed my clock. I was heartbroken. He put it in a box and said he would fix it. He never did. I don't even know if it is possible to fix it because I've never seen it since. He insists that it needs some work, but it can be fixed. I keep asking him if he can fix it, but he always tells me that he will fix it when I pay for a new windshield in his truck (I took it out one day and supposedly the crack in the windshield happened when I had it). I didn't do it on purpose - I don't even know how it happened or if it even happened when I actually had the truck.

So fast forward to today...I mention that he can get a piece of glass and he said, "I'll fix it when I'm in the mood to fix it." (Well it has been 10 months since he broke it, so I don't imagine that his mood is going to improve any time soon). I didn't say anything (breathe! breathe!) and then he said, "in fact, I'm not going to give you the clock at all, to be sure that you never say anything like that to me again!" I didn't know what he meant because I hadn't said any thing. So I asked him, "what are you talking about?" and he said "that you and your ex had something special" All I could say was "OH MY GOD" and hang up on him. I haven't spoke to him since. I'm home, but I'm doing my projects and trying to stay calm. So far so good. I could get into his face like I usually do, but I realized something.....nothing I say will change his warped reality. Nothing!!! I get frustrated because I want him to LISTEN and to GET IT and to be REMORSEFUL...but it isn't going to happen. I am going to accept that. Hard as it is. I'm going to take care of me. God, it is so hard. I even went outside and was sanding an antique dresser that I bought over the weekend and he started yelling at me to get it off the deck because I'm going to ruin the deck. I breathed!!!!! I didn't say a word!!!! I just moved the dresser and started humming a Christian song that I love. Then to really keep myself calm I went and got my CD Player and listened to some Christian music outside while I worked on the dresser. I knew it was driving him crazy that I didn't act bothered. Usually I am hysterical and giving it right back to him. I am SOOOOO proud of myself.

I still wish he would fall into the pond and drown though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 10:07pm
At my last place of employment, one of the clinicians who is trained in DV had told me, "Don't argue back w/abusive ppl because it simply feeds their anger.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 11:24pm

since you feel such animosity towards him, what keeps you from filing for a divorce?

Just curious.

Elyse

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 7:02am

wishful: Don't ever feel that you have to apologize to me before you speak the truth. I agree that my husband is childish and immature, but I need to hear that from other people. It validates what I'm feeling about him, so fire away! As for Lundy Bancroft's book - not only have I read his book, but I got to meet him!!!! He signed my book!! It is funny how the world works. Last year, I was living in remote Alaska and whenever I could get into the city I would drive to Barnes and Noble and buy as many books as I could afford, to read at home. Lundy's book caught my eye and I read it from cover to cover. About 3 weeks after I read it, I got an email from a listserv. at work that there was going to be a conference in Anchorage on DV and the speaker was Lundy! I was sooo excited!! (I even bought his other books when I was there). Anyway....the conference was awesome and afterwards I marched right up to him and talked to him about his book.

I have a tendency to get very brave when my husband is being an a**hole. A couple of nights ago when we were in the middle of round 998, I started reading out loud from Lundy's book. My husband thinks that the quote "1% of men change" is too low. I'm starting to think my husband is brain-damaged - does the precentage have to be higher in order for HIM to change? Duh!

I agree that you can't argue with an abusive person. I'm realizing that it doesn't change a thing but it does make me increasingly upset. I can argue until I'm the last one standing, but it doesn't change him. He doesn't get it and he never will.

Elysium:
We live in Canada and I won't be able to file for divorce until we have been separated for one year. I definitely want to separate and I'm making plans to leave him. I have found a place to live but it won't be ready until July 1 (it is going to be brand new!) and I am trying to be very strategic in every thing I do. I have an appointment to see a lawyer on June 6 and then later in the afternoon we have an appointment to see our therapist. She supports me leaving, but I want it documented in her office when I tell him that I'm leaving. I am also 20 weeks pregnant and I need to get all my ducks in order.

I just have 27 days left to keep calm.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 9:52am
Oh girl I would love to have met Lundy, he is SO knowledgeable.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 10:32am

"I still wish he would fall into the pond and drown though."

This is probably not the response that you were seeking, but I just had to laugh when I got to that last line! Who hasn't felt that way from time to time? Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 11:10am

Hey TB,

First, I feel for you in all that you're going through right now, esp. being pregnant. I was horrified in reading how your H smashed the beautiful clock that your XH made for you. I'm very sentimental and I can assure you, if it were me, I'd wait until H left home for a while and tear the house up looking for that clock. I wouldn't even beg or plead with him to have it fixed. I'd find it (if he hasn't pitched it) and arranged to have it fixed.

As for your leaving, I beg of you, please do NOT tell him of your plans. All of the experts say that it's one of the worst things that a partner of an abuser can do. Before I left my abusive XH, I quietly made my plans, filed for divorce and then packed up and left one day while he was at work. I came very close to telling him I was leaving, but each time, I was stopped by God's leading. I'm so glad that I listened to and obeyed that "still small voice." I know now that it was God ordering and directing my steps.

Continue to post and let us know how you're doing.

Take good care of yourself.

All the best,
Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 2:06pm

27 days til that little growing bundle is safe :)

and I agree if he doesn't know, then have at least your escape plan and kits ready and stuff before you tell him. The min I told mine I wanted a divorce my life went completely unbearable. I knew I had to leave, but didn't understand verbal abuse yet. The good news is his horrible actions after I told him pushed me into calling a shelter and getting into a abuse group and stuff. He escalated 500x over and made sure every moment I was home he was in my face, my space, my ears, following me from room to room, etc. He no longer cared who was there to see it. The womens group told me get out and fast because when they know they've lost you they very often move to physical battery and always escalate...

be safe and good luck on your move. Sounds like you are doing great. It's good to hear that baby will have a sane home with you, and not the abuser.