Just left an abusive boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Just left an abusive boyfriend
1
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 12:34am

Hi. I recently left my boyfriend who verbally abused and threatened me. I'm not a scared or shy person, in fact, I'm a NYC girl with a lot of confidence, but he managed to get under my skin and manipulate, scare and sadden me.

I left, but now I'm feeling empty inside. He was so intense and, in the beginning, very thoughtful (more so than other men). I guess I'm starting to believe all the horrible things he said to me-- that I wasn't worthy of him. That I'm ugly, fat, and in denial about it all... basically, I'm feeling more insecure than ever in my life (despite the fact that before I met him I had lost 40lbs and looked better than I ever had in my life).

I need someone to tell me how long it will take me to recover. To stop wondering if he'll show up again in my life (a scary thought, a hopeful thought)... What do I do?

He isolated me from my friends-- I don't live near them anymore-- so it's doubly difficult recovering given that I don't have new friends where I live now.

Any advice? Reassurance?

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 4:37pm

Hello there,

Just wanted to tell you i can very well relate to you. I also broke off my relationship recently and am going like a yoyo thinking how different things could b now if i only have or have not done this and that... I feel very down and dissapointed as me and my ex we used to be friends. My ex was a total weasel and basically manipulated me into thinking that i am a slut somehow which i am obviously not it was just the way he had found he could degrade me with. He is actively bisexual which i think speaks volumes on his kind of libido. His mother is very active in Church she teaches theology and wears gray clothes and no make up. He is very well informed about feminist issues but he thinks that Kill Bill made woman into yet another sex object as Uma Thurman wore cat suits instead of modest grey clothes!

But he was too frightened to go to see Paula Rego exhibition with me as she is a feminist British artist. He went with his mates instead. He said that from her paintings it is clear that Paula Rego must have been abused by her father as a child. At the same time he said he doesnt think there is anything wrong with Balthus - a male painter whose work also touches on issue of perversion and abuse - obviously cos hes a male! Than after sex he calles me a slut. Why ? Because i dared to have some fun. May be i should get involed in the Church work like his mother?
I cannot believe that I had been victim of a total deception during the 10 years of friendship. I always thought he was a decent , intelligent boy.

He knew how to get into me just like your boyfriend knew that the weight was an issue for you before and thats why he played that card. At the university i refused to go out with boys so i guess now after all those years he is calling me a slut to make up for my lost(?) time. A kind of pay back time i guess. And where is the frienship? My answer is it is gone forever as i am not going to be a friend with benefits. More importantly though : Where is my love gone? I have no aswer to this question. Can anybody relate to that and advice?

Adriana