just need some validation
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| Fri, 09-08-2006 - 12:19pm |
I have been with the same man for over 20 years. We have three daughers together. Unfortunately he is a drug addict and is fond of emotional abuse.
After 24 years, we have come to an uneasy truce I suppose. He basically lives in the garage, brings his druggy friends only into the garage, and usually we just lead separate lives. He sleeps on the couch.
As he is a drug addict (Meth) his teeth are rotting out. I made him go to the dentist, but the dentist told him something he didn't want to hear -- that his teeth are too far gone and need to be pulled and dentures put in -- so he did a typical drug addict, "I don't want to hear it, so I won't."
I refuse to french kiss him, and our sex life is pretty much nil as I avoid it whenever I can. (He grosses me out.)
I support my daughter and I (two of them are grown and out of the house) and he gives me the equivelent of a minimum wage job for his "portion" of the bills. Of course, to him he is entitled to half of everything I own, but as we aren't married, I don't know if he would get it. I pay about three times what he does in bills.
Recently I paid a $1,000 in supplies (I went to the store and bought them -- I know better than to trust him with money) and he rebuilt the bedroom my middle daughter just vacated when she got married.
The day before yesterday he brought one of his druggie friends in my house, so I told him yesterday that his "friends" are not allowed in my house. My 12 year old daughter should not be subjected to them. I also told him he was a drug addict (which of course he denied), and that I was tired of his temper tantrums.
So he proceeded to run into the house screaming at me and pointing his finger at me, calling me a bit*h. He drove off in a huff, in a very unsafe manner, and then came back ten minutes later. He proceeded to drag my $1,200 bed into the new bedroom, broke the bed, damaged the paint, and told me it was all my fault. Of course, if I tell him he is an emotional abuser he turns it around and says I am. Calls me names, threatens me. Sigh. It is all just so old anymore I don't even feel anything. I suppose after a while one becomes numb.
I want out so bad, but he would destroy everything I worked for. I have a fantasy of disappering when the youngest daughter leaves. (I raised them all and they are all good girls). They freak out when I tell them that, but they don't argue. They just say, "you would tell me where you went, right mom?" It breaks my heart.
I guess I just need some validation after the episode last night. This is emtional abuse right? Normal people don't stay up for days on end right? (I sure don't.) Sometimes I hate him, other times i feel sorry for him, but mostly -- I just try to avoid him.
For those of you in an abusive situation without kids -- get out before you have them. My daughters all know I was the responsible one, that I was the grown-up and the parent.
I wish he would just go away, but he won't ever leave. If he did he would have to grow up and he'll never do that.
Just can someone tell me I am not crazy? I am a good person; I hold a very responsible position; I don't do drugs; I wear a size 12-14. My daughters love me. How did I get into this mess? How do I get out? Why do I have to leave everything I ever worked for and give up my daughters to escape?
Sometimes I hate my life, and the thought of being alone with him in six years -- terrifies me.
GT

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now is the time to try to make your plans...sock back a little money when you can. slowly get your ducks in a row to make a clean get-away when you feel the time is right. and remember...the sooner the better. life with an addict is like roulette...you never know who's number will be up, and when.
he treats you like crap...but that doesn't mean you ARE crap. AT ALL. so keep your chin up, and hang in there for the day you break outta there! good luck to you. :)
I know you are right, and I am trying. It is just it has been so long . . . my whole adult life, and he scares me. So much I find myself apologizes when he does crap like last night. It is a conditioned response I guess.
Thank you so much for responding. Sometimes I can only hear his voice in my head and I need to hear the truth from somewhere else.
Funny. He has no problem with me working, and leaves me alone at work, but I can't have any friends outside my daughters at home. I am too ashamed to bring them home and he has no problems throwing fits in front of them.
I am in a professional occupation and well known in my town, so it is hard to admit to anyone around here the way he is. I am ashamed.
Sigh, I am trying though to get past it, and I think reading this board is helping me see his pattern is the same as many other male abusers. I guess I am better of then most in my situation as at least I have financial control and after this long, he mostly leaves me alone.
Thanks again,
GT
Hi GT... welcome to this great board! You have came to the right place.
My opinion is that you need to leave sooner rather than later. You are in an emotionally abusive relationship and it is destroying you. These kind of relationships just kinda sneak up and before you know it it's really bad. They do things in a way that you don't even realize are bad - but they are! He is destroying your self esteem. You are not crazy. Period. He is the crazy one with the problems. He will deny everything and never take responsibility for your actions. That drove me nuts with my abuser. He would switch everything around and I would be the one apologizing for his actions. It is so unfair.. we start to think we're the problem... but they are.
Do you have anywhere to move to and stay with.. family, friends? So you are common law, correct?
There is ways that you can get out safely.... You will know when the time is right for you to move.
Lauren
my BF used to be addicted to xanax. then it grew to pot, cocaine, and whatever else he could find. he worked SO hard to get off all of the drugs...and i AM proud of him for that. the irony here is that he was SO MUCH EASIER to get along with when he was stoned! OMG...there, i said it. sounds terrible, i know! but its SO true. now he's cranky, paranoid, complains, feels sorry for himself, stays depressed, and is just a generally miserable person. who refuses to see that he STILL needs help. and occasionally he'll drink...when he does, i know i need to lay low and 'numb' myself, because he turns into the meanest, most controlling, hateful jerk around. he would drink ALOT more often if I didn't have the financial control, too...he's jobless at the moment. but i know when he starts working again, he'll be drinking alot more often.
i feel sorry for him, because he has nowhere else to go. then again, i hate him for putting me through so much, when i know i don't deserve it. i'm a little afraid to leave him, for both our sakes. and like you, i'm too ashamed to admit to things...i put on the happy face and tell people everything is fine. for some reason, i feel the need to defend him. how sad is that??!! like you said...it all becomes a controlled response. in a way, its a saving grace that keeps us from going crazy. then again, its terrible, because it numbs us, puts blinders on us, to keep us from seeing the light, so to speak.
Yes, it is common law. Sometimes I am glad I never married him, and sometimes I wish I had. That way I could go through legal channels to get him gone.
But at least everything but the truck his parents gave him is in my name. I am trying to leave, but have no where to go but a shelter, which would give him control of my house and all my possessions which he would destroy.
nancy
GTI, have you consulted with a lawyer or the police about his behaviour?
I was sort of in the same boat as both of you with the drug thing. My abuser was/is a pot head. No matter how much he knew I didn't like it, I swear he would do it more just to piss me off... Boy that made me mad. I always suggested that he quit and he's addicted, but of course he doesn't think he's addicted.. and he just likes being high. The thing that bugs me the most, I used to enjoy getting high every once in awhile... but now I totally despise it. I think it's a problem if you have to get high when you wake up, before work, probably at work on breaks, after work.... Boy.. I'm getting mad just typing it out. I do understand that people will do things/quit things on their time and when they want to. It was just hard for me to see what he put in his body.. I am quite healthy, don't smoke, don't drink, no drugs.... but how did I end up with a smoker, druggie.... I don't know.. I loved him, and I still do.
It took me so long to admit to people that my boyfriend was abusive. We would go to family / friend events and act like everything is peachy. We would kinda joke about how we are always pretending that everything was fine, when it was not fine. It's great that you are posting on this board.. and reading other peoples stories. That helped me tremendously to realize that there are A LOT of women going thru the same thing right now. I did the same thing... if it wasn't for the people on this board, I would probably be with my abuser still. Wow I am glad I am out. I don't feel bad about going out dancing, going out with friends... even just talking with male friends.
I totally understand you not wanting to leave yet because of all your possesions. It's a difficult situation. I'm assuming the house is in your name and everything else? In the end it would be best to just leave and take certain things with you... to save yourself. I know how difficult it is to think like that when you are in the situation.. but now that I look back i realize how bad my relationship was.. and possesions are just possesions. they can be replaced.
You should call your local domestic violence hotline. That will help you.. with where you live.. I don't know the laws as where you live? I am in Canada so it is probably so different... I would start there... Even if you went to a shelter, you would be away from the abuse.. that is the main thing. It is scary to leave, terrifying... but he has probably had control for a long time that it will be odd when he is not there... You need to take care of yourself.
Lauren
I was with my H for 24 years also...he has also been a meth addict for many many years, no teeth now, isn't high all the time like he used to....he used to stay up for WEEKS back in the 80's. Yes,I said WEEKS. Then crash for 4 days straight after beating me and terrorizing the kids. He barely remembers any of it so to him there was no abuse. And for years, I excused it as a result of 'altered states'. And I prayed that he would get better.
He also spent all his time in the garage, with his druggy friends....when we had a house to live in. I also have worked and raised my children all alone......he was too high to care. I am not a professional by any means but I have worked my tail off to provide for my 4 kids- three of them are now grown. But I couldn't take it any longer....the drugs were still more important than us and if he wasn't getting high, he was drinking to come down. I left everything I had except for the pictures, important papers and the clothes on our backs and moved 1500 miles away. He is still crazy and insists he will be here soon to show me he can be the person I met and fell in love with but it won't happen. I will never forget what he did to me. IT WAS TERRIFYING. He destroyed my property as recently as a year ago....things that meant something to me because he was mad at me for blowing him off while I was at work and hanging up on him. He would flatten my tires, rip out spark plug wires and remove fuses to disable my car when I wouldn't talk to him.
What I wanted to say was I know that lifestyle. Please feel free to email me through my profile if you want to discuss things further. I lived in that world, the games and the horror that the people put you through and the heartache caused to the innocent kids. I used meth also I willnot lie. It was a numbing tactic to kill the pain. It wasn't the right thing but when you are all alone and think no one cares and it is dangled in front of you, I went there plenty of times. I admire you for not using......that in itself is something to be proud of. You are living in a nightmare. My worry is that if he gets popped.....YOU GET POPPED.....and you must prove you aren't using before they will leave you be. You could also lose custody of your daughter. These were the things that made me leave it all behind. Possessions are just things......he is an addict.....prone to outbursts.....my H took a shot at me during one of his binges. Do not think he won't ever hurt you. You could have him arrested for destroying your property and then they might get tipped off about his drug problems. The neighbors are aware honey.....please don't go down because of him. Been there .....done that. Luckily I got out and away and life is good....most of the time. His habit will be your downfall.....be careful....
Email me if you would like.......the stories I could share might make you see your daughter is more important than anything else.....mine is 13.
I know the world all too well myself. Both my older brother and sister were into drugs and they got me hooked at 13. Yes, 13. I did mostly smoke and drinking. I had two kids by 22 and had met the father of my children during that time.
What made me change my life was looking at my niece up in the tree telling her mother all she had ever wanted was drugs, crying and saying how could they come first? Shouldn't I come first mom? Why didn't I ever come first. I am crying as I type this I remember it so well.
Something just snapped in me that day. My children would never be ashamed of me. I quit all the drugs (I hadn't used when pregnant thank God). I began the long slow climb back to normalcy. It took me two years to get totally off the drugs, but I haven't used since 91. (I did do meth sometimes before then, as I just wanted to fit in with my family and the father of my kids -- I do know where you are coming from.)
I put up with the abuse and ridicule of my family and him, Why are you trying? You know this is how we are. You want to be a citizen? -- inflect this one with as much scarcasm as you can. By 95 I had a BA and had a good job. I am the third highest paid person in my company.
My children all had me as the good example of what you could do when you didn't do drugs, and they had my family and their dad to show them how drugs could destroy their lives. None of them use drugs. They all followed in my footsteps. I am glad I only had girls.
The third child was truly a miracle as by the time she came along we probably had sex once every six months or so and I didn't cheat. She is now 12. She is the most important thing in my life. We hang together. I keep her away from her dad as much as possible. He will never change and I know it in my heart, but it is so hard to give up everything I worked for -- especially because I grew up so poor.
I am trying to do the right thing. I know he will stay out in his garage now for months. I think he knows I am stronger than him. I am trying. It is just so hard.
I won't have to just give up my house, my cars and everything I own. I will have to give up my job and my two oldest daughters and just disappear to get away. That terrifies me too. I am so caught in the middle.
When he stays outside and only comes into eat and shower, pretty much my daughter and I lead a single moms life. Since you have been there, you know how crazy they can get. I can't just go to a shelter. I will have to totally disappear, and not even contact my two oldest for a while.
I know you guys are right and I am trying to get up the courage. I guess it is just soo hard. But with support and reading this board and careful planning, I can do it. I know I can.
Oh, and calling the cops aint an option. I own the house. My sister in law called on my brother before he committed suicide. Cops don't care. He was at work; she was at home. They put her in jail. He had to bail her out, and get her a lawyer. Cops would put my daughter through hell before I got cleared. The house is in my name, so they would arrest me too. I can't get help from them.
I am so trapped. I think the neighbors do suspect, but they also know me, and this is a small town, so they won't turn me in. We have all lived next to each other for 8 years. A cop lives accross the street, so he is careful to "look normal." He does a real good job of it. Don't they all?
Anyway, that is my story. Perhaps it will help someone else. I wish I had disappeared before I had so much to lose.
GT
Edited 9/9/2006 9:50 am ET by gticantbeme
If I had what you have it would have made alot of difference in my leaving and how I did it. I was living with a friend, renting a room, for almost two years, helping him out with his girls. He needed a roomie and I needed a room. His girls needed a female adult in their lives - their mom is a nut case ( another story) and it worked out great. But when my H lost his place to live due to his roomies death (God rest his soul) my roomie said he could put his camper in the front yard and stay there. Well, he parked it right next to my bedroom window, ran an extension cord through my window, and proceeded to haunt me. I had by this time learned to live without him but he still 'got'to me big time.
Being a meth user, he was extremely paranoid. He had video cameras installed to watch the comings and goings in the front yard. He of course had the ones with audio as well, so he could hear anyone talking inside the house. I was cleaning my room once and looked under the bed to find a baby monitor there. I took it to him and asked him what it was doing there and he said "How else am I going to know what you are up to?" I told him he was a sicko. I learned how to text message people in order to have no one hear me. I bought a new doorknob for my bedroom that used a key to unlock it from the outside. When I got home from work one day, there was someting 'wet' on it. It was superglue.....I had only had it for two days. He denied it but the problem with that is, I was with him when he bought the superglue the day before......and it was laying in plain view on his table.I may be a blonde and was totally lost in his game while I was with him, but just getting away from him and looking at it from the outside - what a difference.
The thought of your niece in the tree brought tears to my eyes as well. I am filled with guilt sometimes about the life I let my children live in. I did without most of my life so my children did not have to and when they got to be teens and wanted to live elsewhere, I let them. The townspeople knew my H....I hated being notorious.He was always acting up and seemed to get out of everything he got in trouble for. I felt trapped. I kept using off and on just because I wanted to numb the pain.
5 years ago, my H was running with a junkie- female - and they were leaving town to join the carnival - literally - and life got real bad. One day while I was at work one of my twin boys had friends over and they found a CO2 pipe bomb that my H had made. One of the kids was messing around teasing that he was going to light the fuse and it lit. Nothing will put that fuse out - it is made that way and my son-then 15- grabbed it and tried to get it out of the house. It blew up in his hand. Blew off his index finger and the tip of his thumb and severly damaged his middle finger. My H heard this blood-curdling scream and saw my son running out to him. I had this wierd feeling right then and asked to leave work.....talk about a mother's intuition....when I got home my home was covered in blood and flesh....it was awful....my H had taken my son to Urgent Care and they took him by ambulance to the hospital. He was then flown by helicopter to another hospital to a dr that was experienced in blast injuries.
I believed that this experience would change him.....NOT. He took his junkie girlfriend with him to the hospital to be with MY son and they did their drugs in the hospital parking lot. When my son woke up from surgery, his father was no where to be found, he was chasing down his girlfriend who ran off after they had a fight and found her in jail for possession of paraphenalia. The drugs were more important......all this happened at the same time as 9-11. I tell you what......I decided right then and there to make some major changes and even though it has taken me 5 years to get here.....I DID IT.!!
I have gone the gamut of emotions, from hating him to pitying him to missing him to hating him all over again. I now know that he will never get me again. I had to report that he violated the restraining order against him, by trying to contact my daughter. She said, " CALL THE COPS, MOM!!" so I did and if he shows up here, he will be arrested. I feel sorry for him because he never grew up......I have done alot of research and he is a classic narcissist. It is still a little scary not knowing where he is because of his ways and 'contacts' that he said he can get to do his bidding....but I am ok.
Hang in there. Hope that he gets done in by someone else. I used to live next door to a county sherriff for 7 years and drugs were going thru my house day and night. I also found great friends in the town police after the bomb blast because they raided our house and I got to tell my story without it affecting me in the long run. When I finally made the decision to leave, which the police had encouraged me to do SO many times, my favorite one, named Jason, gave me the biggest bear hug and kiss on the cheek. He also told me if I had any troubles the day I left, they would line the streets with patrol cars and escort me out of town. Talk about knowing I was finally free.!! I didn't have anything left to lose...it was gone....so my life is different than yours but I know the complications that exist when they are addicts and especially to meth. And when I left, the chain reaction of people getting busted was getting closer and closer to my old man and since then his main supplier got popped. I knew it was coming that way and I refused to be anywhere near that life anymore.
Wow, this got long. I just wanted you to know that I know how unstable life can be and it's a scary one indeed. You are lucky to have what you have. I can tell you though, I know a woman that had a home she shared with her addicted old man, she wasn't a user and they raided her home. The only place they found evidence was in the garage(sound familiar) where her H spent all of his time. She didn't lose her house and she was raising her grandkids and they were not removed. You should keep aware but do some research. At least on what your rights are in case he gets popped. They think they are above the law and very careful but.......you and I know how stupid they look and act.....it's embarrassing to acknowledge they are 'ours'.
Good luck sweetie. You are in my thoughts.
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