Just need to talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Just need to talk
7
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 4:33pm

It's been 7.5 months since I got away from AHL. He has done some really nasty things since I left him, but really I live in a lot less anxiety than I did while he was here. So why am I such a mess? It isn't because I miss him. Certainly not. I would have thought things would be improving at a greater rate the more time passes. But I have been a complete mess for more than a week now.

I actually feel dizzy at times, with the head spinning bit. I shake, I stutter, I forget words, I forget people and faces. I jump easily. I am making some really stupid mistakes at work which make me look like a complete id*&t. I am sure people think I am. I actually start to fall asleep while I am talking to people. When I get home I have been nearly passing out and having seriously restless sleep, with the kind of dreams that you have when you are feverish. My muscles are aching all over and I feel like I have a cold setting in but nothing ever comes of it. I was invited to lunch today and though I was looking forward to it, I just didn't want to talk. I just sat there and looked shy. But it wasn't shyness. I just was so preoccupied I didn't want to talk. I was a complete space cadet. I also have trouble concentrating. Someone could be trying to discuss something with me, but my mind goes off on paying a bill or what to do for dinner. I feel so out of control.

What is wrong with me? I feel...off balance. My mother says 'dear, you are suffering from the stress of getting anxious for this whole thing to end'. I wish I could explain my wierd behaviour to people but don't feel like anyone would understand. How could they if they never went through this?

But even when this whole thing started I didn't feel quite this way. I want a prince to come and save me, but know that will never happen. I think only the ogres are attracted to the hurt and crying ladies. The good guys like the ones that are smiling and happy. I think the bad ones are scavangers like vultures. They like the wounded ones because they are easier prey. Last thing I want is more salt in the wound.

Anyway, has anyone felt this way? Is it just a passing phase?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: hglucky
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 4:47pm
Have you set up an appointment yet to see your doctor?
5yrssm 
Avatar for kittylover2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: hglucky
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 4:47pm

What you are describing sounds a lot like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You have been under a great deal of stress for a very long time. So don't be too hard on yourself for this. And know that this too shall pass. You have already been through the worst of it.

Don't worry about finding the prince to rescue you from your misery. Maybe he will come along, maybe not. The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself.

Good luck. Hang in there.

Kitty

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: hglucky
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 5:03pm

It could be some serious anxiety attacks, like your mom is suggesting, or it could very well be PTSD.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
In reply to: hglucky
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 7:48pm

I haven't read the other posts yet, but sweetie, it sounds for all the world like PTSD. One of the cl's posted a link to some info either here or upstairs (and many, many thanks for that BTW). You definitely have reason for it. Do you have a counselor? And are there activities or rituals that soothe you?

Try to go easy on yourself for the lapses, because you're really overloaded. If you feel it would help to tell you're supervisors the gist of what's happening, do, and if you don't think that's a good idea, don't. I guarantee no one has noticed as much as you have.

If you don't have a therapist, it could help a lot. Tell them you have signs of PTSD due to domestic abuse and find someone who knows those issues well. Take the very best care of you and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
In reply to: hglucky
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 8:45pm

Hi hg,

You may very well have a disorder, but you may also be reacting very naturally during your healing process. 7.5 months isn't that long. When you first leave a situation, you feel free for a while and actually open yourself up and feel the relief. The walls that you lived in, however, do come back and you have to slowly break them down. You are going through a huge change in your life. The helpless, zoning feelings are totally natural and you need to evaluate them and take on day at a time. Paying a bill is mindless, but something you can relate to because it needs to be done. Laughing and eating with someone is not something you ever had in the picture. You are putting yourself in a safe place whenever things get a little "different"...there is nothing wrong with that. That was your self preservation for years. Go slow, open up when you want and be kind to yourself. Alot of the healing process that you are going through is questioning why you are reacting to different situations.

Probably the hardest thing to learn once you leave a situation like ours is trust and believing in yourself. I was to a point in my life where I shook, in fact I did everything wrong...it was horrible. Not today though, I still have bad days that I just stand there and cry because of what went on. But for years I never cried, so those tears are so refreshing and I don't stop them.

Give yourself a break. You don't need to be perfect. Of course you have a disorder, we all do, because anyone that would have put up with we did has to have some sort of insecurity problem.

You are lucky...so you say, so be it.

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: hglucky
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 9:25am

Sounds like anxiety attacks to me. Get out and enjoy the weather go for a walk. I found when I excerise it helps me to chill some. If you don't feel like talking you don't have to, just make sure you are talking to a counselor or doctor who can help with the feelings you are expressing. I still have bad days and I have been out since Aug of 2004. Things trigger feelings and memories. Like last Saturday I was munching on the leftover salad my grandmother had for dinner and I remembered the last time I had that salad was when my ex would not talk to me to eat dinner so I didn't cook just for me and ate what my mom brought home as leftovers that night. Funny how food can do that huh.

My birthday is also next week. I am trying to do something special as last year the day before my birthday my then husband put his hands on me for the first time.

Journaling can also help to get all your thoughts out.

I also expected by now that I would have another boyfriend and be out making new friends and so far that's not exactly how things have happened. That said, I have a guy that I don't know if we are what you call dating or not. We talk and he supports me and trys to help anyway he can. We get together about once a week or so and sometimes I just don't know how to take him. He is normal, sane and respects me and I just don't know how to respond to that, but I'm learning. My mom also says and I think this is true that a decent man will not get too serious with me until my divorce is final as there is always a chance of reconciling and no one wants to get attached to someone and their child then to get the short end of the stick if they reconcile with the spouse.

Just keep breathing,
-J

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
In reply to: hglucky
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 2:49pm

0HG,

I know exactly how you feel. I even had my boss tell me that I did so well in the begining of the prosecution and divorce, but that now I seem to be backsliding. (Incidentally, my boss knows all about what happened because she's the DA and I'm an ADA, so we had to assign my XH's case to another district's DA to prosecute) I went and talked to my doc and my therapist that I had been seeing in the begining. My doc put me on an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant and told me to start back with my counselor. Both of them agreed it sounded like PTSD. Whatever it was, that was about three months ago (about 7.5 months after the big final event), and I'm feeling much better now, much more myself, and much more on top of everything.

I know everyone has said visit your doc & therapist, but I wanted to let you know that I've been there too.

Hugs, and do not be hard on yourself.

LAF