Just need to talk about what's happening

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Just need to talk about what's happening
3
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 9:26am
First, to all of you who have only been with your abusers a short time and keep hoping day after day he'll change, don't hold out on dreams that will never come true because you're wishing your life away. I will be married 27 years next month. Not until years later did I realize that even when we dated he was abusive and manipulative. He came from a very dysfunctional family and a mother who showed him no lover at all. We lived 100 miles apart, I was going to college at the time - he broke up with me because I was out one night with my cousin. He would call me and tell me he wasn't coming to see me, only to expect me to beg him forever and he'd finally come. He told me if I wouldn't have sex with him then he'd go back home to a girl he knew, and not to worry because he'd be back to me. He'd tell me there was a model who wanted to go out with him but I didn't have to worry about it because he wouldn't even though it was tempting. He'd ask me why I didn't look like some other girl, etc. Now I realize these are things a healthy young man would never say to his fiance'. Boy, was I gullible.

Right after we got married he started criticizing me, my family and friends. I guess that was to turn me against them and to feel insecure about myself. Not long after he started breaking things and then the physical abuse towards me started. He has cheated, told me he'd rather have anybody than me, quit being around my family (although they treated him like a son), found reasons not to do things with me and the kids, never (and I mean never) helped me with the kids (4) although I had a full-time job. I did everything for his family. Being the dysfunctional POS's they are, they would never have family get-togethers that would put any of them to trouble; so, me, being the only one with 4 kids and a full-time job had many, many functions for them. He even had 2 brothers who lived with us for a while. I was always there for H for anything he needed me for. However, I attended my grandmother's funeral without him, not to mention all other family functions.

He would stay mad at me most of the time. For him to get mad, 2 weeks was always the minimum it took him to quit giving me the cold shoulder. Sometimes I look back and wonder how my nerves have stood the stress he put on me, but I've heard that God will not put more on your shoulders than you can carry. I would beg and cry and plead and try to do everything for him to not be mad, but he'd push me away, call me a bitch, tell me he'd rather be with anybody than me. He has punched me in the nose and stood there and told me it made him feel good to see blood running out my nose.

Occasionally, and I mean very occasionally, he would actually act like he really cared and that he really wanted to make things work; but then something would happen that wouldn't just be perfect for him and he'd go back to his old abusive self. Of course, I'd have to 'pay' one way or the other - he always has to have a pay-back for everything. Most of the time I didn't know what his problem was in the first place. I've been smacked because he was mad at somebody else, cussed for hours because of his job. He is a whiner - he thinks he works harder than anybody else, does more than anybody else and deserves more than anybody else.

He was a terrible father to the kids. However, he has worked on them since they have been big enough to work with him on the job. Funny thing they were never important enough for him just to take out somewhere, but he always made sure he had them when he needed work to be done. These are the opportunities he'd take to downgrade me to the kids. My 2 oldest have told me when they were about 11 and 12 that 'Daddy talks about you on the job and tries to turn us against you, but it won't work 'cause we love you'. I have heard from different people things he's said about me. A guy who worked for him really thought he was a piece of crap for the way he acted. He told me he felt for me and wished me the best. H ran to his family and talked about me. I'm not sure what all he said, but I know he told them I was 'going through the change and had mental problems'. A friend of mine's H said that about her when he was cheating on her, so I'm sure that's where H got that idea. H used to talk about his family all the time and never wanted to be around them, so I'm assuming he may have said I said and did the things he actually did. Thus, he had turned somebody else against me. He got the last couple of years where he'd go to Christmas and b'days with his family, but me and the kids weren't invited.

For the last couple of years he apparently has really been working on my youngest son. That's when he started showing a lot of disrespect for me. He won't do anything I ask of him and will say things to me that sound just like his father. Since I have filed for divorce, I've tried my best to keep on good terms with my son, but Sunday he pulled a good one on me. H called him and asked him to bring him some things. The divorce papers clearly state that should not be done. I called H and told him that, and Son pulled the phone cord out of the wall. Then he told me that if I was a man he'd punch me between the eyes and he didn't blame his dad for beating on me. He went out in the garage and kicked a big hole in the door. I took his cell phone ( which I am paying for) and he took mine and said I wasn't doing that. He is arrogant just like his dad. He said so many things like his dad does blaming things on me that his dad has actually done. Then he gets some clothes and says he's leaving. He's 17, and I told him to get enough to leave because he wasn't coming back until he could show me some respect. So I haven't seen him since. I love him very much, but I don't like him very much right now.

So, you see. Getting out early actually makes things better in the long run. They aren't going to get better. You will grow to become more and more bitter. He has many more years to work against you and your mental and physical health.

Hugs,

Jackie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 9:46am
Oh, Jackie. My heart goes out to you, honey.

I can only imagine what it must feel like to have your own son treat you that way. It's a shame that his father is so much a part of your son's personality these days. It just goes to show that an abusive person affects *everyone* around them. I just thank God that I got away from mine before we had any kids.

Since I'm not a mom, I don't have a whole lot of constructive advice for you. Just know that I sympathize, and I'm thinking about you. Hang in there girl!

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 10:08am

Please know we are here for you Jackie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 1:31pm
Jackie,

First of all I must say I am sorry you are going through this pain with your son. I don't really have any advice to give because I haven't ever had children, but I am sorry and wish you the best. Second, though I have to say thank you for that post. It is only coming here each day and reading that keeps me from calling Sean and trying to work things out again. I have to come here everyday right now and read and post because I miss him. I miss having him near me. But posts like yours remind me of all the bad times. Thank you again. Big hugs and best wishes.

Jen