Just need to vent my doubts..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Just need to vent my doubts..
2
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 6:54pm

Hello! new to this discussion, first I want to congratulate this website for being such an important support system for many women who need it and have nowhere else to turn to.

I'm definetly in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with my boyfriend for almost 6 years I just can't talk about this with my family or friends because for them its simple: just leave. I don't know why I just can't leave..

I wonder is the following descriptive of an abusive relationship?

1)He has an obsession that I'm "overweight". Let me tell you, I'm NOT OVERWEIGHT. He's the only person in the world who see's me fat (I always ask everyone around me and they laugh, some people think I have an eating disorder or something). He says I was thinner when we started but maybe I was at most 5 pounds thinner, I'm still a thin person only that my tummy and thighs are a little bit fuller (I'm hispanic) He just hates to see me eat, thank god we don't live together because whenever I spend a weekend at his place I practically dont eat( when I'm at home I eat normally, I don't binge, I don't deprive myself or vomit, thank god, I dont really have an eating disorder and I dont see myself as an overweight person) . He lives with his mom and his younger brother, and when she tries to serve me dinner or something he even lashes out on her! I think shes scared of even offering me anything to eat. He says I have to eat less, he says I eat like a pig, once he threatened me that if I don't lose the "excess weight" he won't ever marry me. We have had countless arguments over this and I always tell him that he should leave me alone and find himself someone as thin as his taste but he doesnt leave me?!
Of course, he rarely takes me to dinner our usual date is a movie he just buys a giant bag of doritos for himself. Oh, and he LOVES to eat... in fact he seems to love to eat in front of me and he brags about how fit he is, and says that if he starts gaining weight he would definitly have the willpower to diet (referring to my lack of willpower of course) oh, and he's really demeaning and offensive of overweight people (he's really thin and eats a lot)

2) He's a master of making me feel guilty over everything and anything, even some of the most trivial things make me scared of his reaction

3) He can get really really angry, he's never hit me but he yells and curses and humiliates me and insults me..sometimes I feel like I better shut up or else he will definetly hit me

4) we have honeymoon cycles that make me feel in love with him again,in these honeymoon cycle he is so nice and loving and sweet, all the contrary of other days! these honeymoons are what keep me with him I guess. We have many good times, vacations together, pictures, great and fond memories but...

5)he's verbally abusive to everyone who lives with him and totally dominant, hes even abusive to his two cats! sometimes he hits his cats and sometimes he feeds them less than they seem to need

6) no one in his family says anything about it but me, they all praise him and go by his rules.

7)his family loves me, they are really kind to me, his mom sticks up for me if she witnesses anything weird, and his brother is a nice guy he has a girlfriend and a baby girl...they are all so kind to me I guess I'll miss them if I leave. They know how he is, they label him "hot tempered", but that's it, they dont really see how bad he treats me because he's careful not say mean things to me in front of them.

8)he's in absolte control of every move I make, I cant go to the drug store down the corner without letting him know

9)he's super private of his stuff, he surely must have cheated on me because he never opens his emails in front of me or chats on messenger or lets me even look at his mobile phone.

10) I compare him a lot to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde because he can flip into a such a charmer nobody would believe me.

11)Lately, I don't want anymore sex, no orgasms, he seems to disgust me sometimes...he says so many painful remarks I cant get over them, and anyways I feel so inadequate imagine how I feel naked in front of him...

12) he criticises every single thing everybody does, nothing and no one is ever good enough specially me..

13) I feel like the most unattractive girl ever, I feel like no other man will ever take a glance at me, he conviced me of how ugly, fat and dumb I am and my self esteem no longer exists. He convinced me that my life without him is useless, and he keeps telling me how much he loves me and that I won't find another guy who will love me like he does...

Help! what do I do? Im 27 going on 28 I dont want to waste more time I want to marry a nice guy and have kids! I don't know what to do I want out but I guess I am still in love with him ever time we break up I only remember the good times!Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
Sat, 08-12-2006 - 9:32am

You've answered your own question about him....he is a worse than a bad risk. You said you only remember the good times when you are ready to break up with him...what good times? You only outlined the negatives about him.

You know the answer....

You're still very young and have many, many decades ahead of you. Don't ruin anymore of your life with that jerk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 10:52am
I always tell people that if they have to ask if a relationship is abusive, it probably is. Honestly, it doesn't sound like there is a lot of good to be had in this relationship. Something you could do is print out this post, or make a list of what you just told us. Then, when you leave (as I hope you do) and start remembering the good times, you will have something to remind you of why you left. Others here have done this, and it does help.
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