Just needed to talk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Just needed to talk...
9
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 12:27pm

I see the great support this website gives. When I read what everyone else’s posts it helps me to not feel like I am all alone, but sometimes it makes me feel like my situation was not that bad.

I am in the process of divorcing my husband which is difficult by itself but also having to deal with abuse just makes it overwhelming. I struggle everyday with doubts. I worry that I will let down my guard and take him back because I did so many time before (I was in denial about the abuse then though; sometimes I still am). I seem to have a lot of support, even my husband’s family understands. Everyone that knows the situation tells me I am doing the right thing, but why don’t I feel that way. I have been strong about not contacting him but he continues to contact me even from jail. I will eventually have to have contact with him when he becomes allowed to see our son again.

I am seeing a counselor that has been very helpful. I spoke to my pastor a couple times before I filed for the divorce but I just haven’t had the nerve to talk to him again. I don’t know why because he was also supportive of me. I have considered talking to someone who deals with DV specifically and I was also thinking of joining a divorce support group. I also plan to continue visiting this message board. Sometimes I feel obsessed about this situation.

Why do we feel responsible for their behavior and actions?

Even though he has broken my heart, I never wanted to hurt him back. He has lost everything and I feel bad for him (but what about what I lost… hopes, dreams, trust, love, family). It is so sad. I am always making excuses for him; I still feel sorry for him, still love him. Yet, I know he will not change. That is so hard to accept especially when he tells me how hard he is trying.

It is so hard to let go and move on and I think that is the key to leaving your abuser for good. We don’t want to give up hope even when reality slaps us in the face (sometimes literally).

Thanks for listening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 1:01pm

Hello,

What did you mean when you said "He has lost everything and I feel bad for him?"

Thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 1:47pm

Well...

- he lost me
- hasn't been able to see his son in 3 months and he is talking about signing off his parental rights because he doesn't think he'll be able to pay for child support.
- lost his job (never could keep one anyway)
- will not get our house
- may not get any money out of the divorce (he may have to file for bankrupcy)
- he barely has enough food to eat
- he is living with an uncle who abused him growing up because most of his family has turned their back on him
- he is in jail
- I still have most of his belongings (besides clothes)
- I even think he has lost his mind, a psychologial exam confirmed it
- etc... (I could go on and on)

This was the man I loved and married 5 years ago, this is the man I had a wonderful, beautiful son with, our relationship was not always this bad;we had great times together. I wouldn't wish all these things to happen on my worse enemy let alone the man I used to love.

(I am sorry to ramble. I am a little upset right now, just got off the phone with my lawyer.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 2:28pm

Think about HOW he got himself into the situation you describe. Was he minding his own business when some random, evil force came and swept it all away like Job in the Bible? If that had been the case, he MIGHT deserve some sympathy. But it isn't. His own actions led you to divorce him, and the situation he is in now is none other than the end result of his own poor choices. That is a $10 way of saying that he got himself into his own mess.

Why do we feel sorry for them? Because we are caring and human. It's a human trait to want the best for people and to want to help them in a bad situation. We just have to keep in mind that certain actions bring this sort of thing on people, and they have to learn on their own to make better decisions if they want to get out of it.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 2:52pm

I totally understand where you are coming from - we are good people and we tend to empathize BUT we must also realize when these results are a direct consenquence of THEIR actions and would be not occuring if they made different decisions and choices. I know that it is easy to feel sorry/guilty and we need actively re-program ourselves. My ex-h went down the EXACT same road - first he lost me and the kids, then his job, then thrown out of his apartment, left the province to find work, came back and in a drunken rage broke into my house and spent the next 5 months in jail. All is own choices. As wiht your situation - you did not make him do any of those things, you did not cause him to lose his job, custody, house - HE DID. One thing that helped me is to realize that is I was responsible for all of his failures why is it that I have a new car, a great job, and a loving relationship and full legal custody of my children? They can choose to stopn drinking, being violent or whatever it is that got them into these situations but they dont. I strongly recommend seeking counsellign with someone trained in DV to deal with these emotions and also to keep posting your feelings here...it is always helpful to know you are not alone, that someone else has been-there-done-that-got-the-Tshirt!

Big hugs,
Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 3:12pm

Hi dkm,
I see you've already gotten some great responses,but thought I'd throw my 2 cents in.Like Lisa said, we've all "been there done that" & it really helps to hear that you're not alone.
I remember the "guilt" feelings I had for my H last summer when I kicked him out.It was terrible,I knew I was doing the right thing but yet I could not shake the feeling that I had destroyed his life.Those feelings are what led me to take him back.I didn't know how to deal with it.
"Why do we feel responsible for their behavior and actions?"

Because we are decent,kind human beings.And they take full advantage of that.
My advice to you is to keep seeing your councelor,surround yourself with things that make you happy..family,friends etc. Do fun things with your son,treat yourself to nice things.The point is to keep your mind off of him as much as possible.I promise it will get easier.Hang in there!

Serentiy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 3:42pm
OH wow! How do you find the strength to leave him with all that going on? I am in a similar situation and really struggling with leavign because I feel sorry for my husband. I am so enviouse of your strength.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 4:34pm

Thanks everyone for the encouraging words. I don't know why today was such a tough day. I am feeling better. I started to read some of the information on the main page of this message board (the first 100 days and the awakening); it looks that that infomation will help to. I know everything will sink in eventually and I will be able to let go and move on.

Flowergirl...

I think what finally helped me to leave was hearing him tell our counselor that he didn't need to change that I needed to change. For some reason that just did it. I realized that I was fighting a losing battle. I had even spoke to my pastor and he was very supportive, which suprised me but was also a relief. God will forgive me!
I grew up with my husband (we went to grade school together) and I looked back at how he treated girls then and how he was treating me and it was no different. I made excuses because his mother neglected him and he was rasied by his aunt and uncle who abused him. No more excuses;I realized he is just a bully. I also looked at my family (grandmother, mother, aunt) and saw the cycle of abuse and I wanted something better for me and my son; I wanted to break the cycle. My son witnessed the 3 physical incidents (he is 4 years old) and I refused to let him believe this was okay. I was also scared for his safey; he could have been injured.
It's not a easy decesion to make. I filed for divorce 7 months ago and as you can see I am still struggling.
Something I have been repeating to myself this weekend, I believe is the Alcoholic Anonymous prayer : God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. You can't change your husband and you do not have to accept his abuse. You can make choices for yourself! Have courage in yourself and you will do the right thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 4:54pm

Another thing...

your husband/boyfriend is a grown man. He will survive; he can take care of himself or find someone else to take care of him. He needs to be responsible for himself and his actions. I have to think of it this way; you are not doing him any favors by accepting his behavior.
It's okay to still love our partners and feel sorry for them, but above all- THINK ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN FIRST(if you have any).

Sorry, I don't mean to sound like I am preaching. Obviously, I have a long way to go in order to move on and let go. It does seem to be getting easier.

Okay, I think I'm done.

Thank care and God bless!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 10:35pm

Sweetie ....


- he lost me (he THREW you away the 1st time he abused you)
- hasn't been able to see his son in 3 months and he is talking about signing off his parental rights because he doesn't think he'll be able to pay for child support. (HE is choosing to SAY he will do so.

Photobucket