just realized..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
just realized..
12
Fri, 04-22-2011 - 1:43pm

Met RO clinic at DA shelter..he said same thing - right now there isn't a lot to get him thrown out. Asked me to assert myself and this is a risk, but unfortunately, something I need to do. Says keep a stand as far as you can, if HE breaks anything in house or throws anything at you, call police immediately who will supply with an EPO. Then they can file an RO to get him out. Says it has to be there for "physical" danger. Vague threats or yelling is not enough. This is the legal rep who works with local court at the local shelter. The guy does this everyday..so I do believe him. It is almost like he is telling me to put a stand to make him "flip" else these things get overturned at court every day. Sad but true. He did say he understands this is not the way to live and he wants me to not get submissive but assert more and see what happens.

In the meantime, I realize I am too tied to the house in terms of my pets and dd..I can't bear leaving either behind..pets are not even allowed in most apartment or charged a lot of money. so I am like - maybe I need to ask for exclusive occupancy and either ask to SELL house (so i can buy something smaller) or let him be ordered to pay CS and SS which will cover the mortgage as well..untill house is sold..Whether it turns out that he moves back in or not, at least I will have a few weeks period to dwell on this instead of me seeking out a new place and doing this all over again AND then NOT leaving..

let me know any thoughts..thanks again.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 04-22-2011 - 5:21pm
I think talking to this person was a big step in the right direction! I'm glad you did that. I think it gave you more of a plan and the steps you need to take.

sweets35
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2011
Sat, 04-23-2011 - 9:53am
I have been there as far as dealing with the legal system and them failing me. I have a blog that tells my story that I have started and hopefully it can give you some insight. My blog is :
http://survivingabuseandgaininghappiness.blogspot.com/
http://survivingabuseandgaininghappiness.blogspot.com/
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Sat, 04-23-2011 - 11:40am

sweets - question for you..since you have been one of my supporters who has not told me to just leave right away.

So here is where I am as you know. 3 years to college..dd is big into it and already planning..now this is serious stuff..east coast, ivy..she is at the top of her class...

I get out and leave..the lawyers are all over the place..already spent 2K on a deposit from last year..probably will run out soon. he goes and files that is another 5K..soon we are spending out of control..(i dont have the money so likely it is going to come off funds meant for DD). I know you had said to leave but not file anything. The problem with that is he will still demand I do this and that or pay this and that..so it is not easy to leave and expect him to be quiet..(finances and debts start coming into picture).

Spoke to my neighbor..who had no idea about this but I had to take their help for something and had to tell..they said..it is only 3 years before your dd is in college..you have been sitting on this so many years..HS is the worst time..and you will be making rounds to lawyers office instead of college tours..

I met advocate at DV and the suggestion was stay in house and if he does something violent, have him leave (of course there is risk...but you have a case then against him)..Anyway..wanted to know your views..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 04-23-2011 - 12:06pm
I do agree if you went to the courts he'd drain away dd's college fund. You wouldn't be done with the divorce and division of property in 3 years, it would be turmoil.

I was thinking if you did leave, you could get an apt nearby and hold off on the legal stuff. Tell him it's just temporary. Sounds like there's no way he's gonna be civil no matter what you do though.

Other option would be leave the state if dd is willing, which I doubt. Being the way he is, he's probably file something to get the two of you back though.

I know exactly what you are going through. I went through this with my first husband. He had money and a good job, and was able to fight me in court. I was very trapped in that situation and never thought I would survive it.

The only way I finally got peace with my ex husband is I had to give him the kids. You are dealing with the same type of personality in your case.



sweets35
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Sat, 04-23-2011 - 12:56pm

guess i have my answer then..I had sort of forgotten that divorce and property division etc..takes 2-3 years..i see it from all the other posts..one problem replaced by another..my friend said redirect my energy to a better career for myself..lead your own life..and stand upto him..and maybe that will make him go over the edge and things will resolve by itself..take a few "vacation days" when you think you can't deal with him..anymore..yes..you are right sweets. I am back to square one..unless dd has some altercation and wants to get away with me..i am stuck..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2011
Sat, 04-23-2011 - 1:53pm
Divorce is never quick and is financially draining. My husband was not a smart man which is the only thing that really helped me in my situation. I was the one who brought all of the money into the relationship and had the education. I had a trust fun and depleted the entire thing by the time my divorce was over. I had to put a $7000 retainer down when I switched attorneys due to the mess my first attorney caused. Now because I was the one with money I found out that we was able to get his attorney for $500 retainer all because his attorney planned on getting half or more of my money and was going to pay himself out of that. Just my portion of the divorce cost me 13k.
http://survivingabuseandgaininghappiness.blogspot.com/
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Sat, 04-23-2011 - 5:57pm

you are right..an acquaintance

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2011
Sat, 04-23-2011 - 7:26pm
I will tell you this...when you are ready you will know. I like you knew I should have left so many times but just wasn't ready. I knew I was done when I didn't care if all I ended up with was the clothes on my back.
http://survivingabuseandgaininghappiness.blogspot.com/
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Sun, 04-24-2011 - 11:33am

I think difference in your case is your kids were so young that you were able to leave with them. I had left when dd was younger (5) but since abuse was "only" verbal/emotional, it was a he said/she said..And to the court, he was responsible Dad..so the custody was at 50/50..which was really hard for such a young child and I found I had to deal with him daily almost for her activities, and all..I honestly feel that kids should have a primary home with the capable, sane parent..the courts here are getting too much into father's role..and rights. And I agree it makes sense..for some cases, but when there is history of control/abuse, giving 50/50 just makes the control/abuse keep happening.

I think there were few times and there still are times when I think I can make him "flip"..I feel if I didnt back down in earlier years, I would have had a stronger case against him or thrown him out.

I could have stuck with the half time custody back then..and maybe eventually it would have worked out. But at that time I couldn't..and since then after dd crossed her pre-teen, she has become very vocal and demanding like your older one and has begged and pleaded not to do this..and now that she is in high school..she does NOT want to leave the comfort of her home. I have been told that she will follow and maybe she will..but now I feel like there is so little time before she goes to colleg..and hs years are so important..and the main thing is he is not going to give up anything..And it will be a long struggle initially..as you have stated..DD also has big plans for college..I think I was lucky in the sense she "redirected" herself into "studies" rather than some girls who go into having bfs..and stuff...So she is at the top of her class..straight A student and wants to excel..So now the guilt factor on me has set in..I did meet a DV advocate and I was pretty much told, that dont be over accomadating..be more assertive..and if he threatens to break or destroy, let him. So I hate to say this but that is the only way to get him out...So guess my "today's decision" (and it changes every week..) is to hang around ..next time he has a blow out..i will see how far he takes it..

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-29-2011 - 10:07pm

What the hell is the RO smoking? Are you sure he has DV training? Maybe for me it goes back to drawing on what happened to me like Frustrated said we do in another thread? But I was not scared my ex would seriously hurt me physically till the night he tried to kill me. Not only did I start standing up to him and setting boundaries I was hoping he would do something that would get me an order of protection. I was chanting in my head for him to hit me and leave proof so I could get the order. He did and I got the order but it almost cost my life!! I also haven't been one to push for you to leave but I am


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