just realized i'm being abused

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
just realized i'm being abused
3
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 10:39pm

Hi,

I grew up in a very violent, emotionally, psychologically, economically abusive household for 23 years (and then went back at 27 for 6 months). I swore to myself that I wouldn't get involved with anyone that would do what my parents did to each other (and to me).

Well guess what.

I'm starting to see more and more that my husband abuses me. He does NOT hit me but more and more I'm recognizing that he emotionally and verybally and sexually abuses me. I cannot stand that he thinks touching me out of the blue in places is ok. I get sick that he pushes me to kiss him "his way" (meaning not a peck). I totally lost interest in sex because over the years I hear criticisms about how I don't talk enough, am "lively" enough, watch enough porn, or fufill his lesbian fantasies.

I am also so sick and tired of hearing, "it's like you purposely make me mad." Classic abuser excuse. A lot of times it's me bringing up money at the "inappropriate times". Meaning that for weeks I've been bugging him for a check so I can cover the bills and it's getting down to the wire. He gets a phone call where he's leaving and won't be back in time to give me the check before the bank closes so I ask him after the call. Well he blows up constantly saying that he's under stress and how can I bother him. He knows I'm not "stupid" so I must purposely be stressing him out.

Yea, that's it. It's all a conspiracy.

I want him out of my life but I only have $1,000 to my name. I also dread losing my house and other finances. I know this sounds trivial but all my life it was the utmost importance that I would never be forced to stay because of money but since I live check to check, I can't afford to get a divorce. The house means the world to me because it proves that I made it in life.

I can't go on like this though. I'm so afraid that after he's gone and I meet someone else that I'll pick someone worse. It appears that all those years of abuse while at home has blinded me when it comes to healthy relationships. I'm worn, tired, and afraid (just of the future and the stress of a divorce). Tonight I left for a few hours telling him I'm leaving (hoping to go to a friend). But came back in 2 hours because no one was around and I didn't want to spend the $100 on a hotel under my credit card. I feel like an utter failure and that saying of "a woman leaves 5-7 times before she permanently leaves" plays like a broken record.

I'm so ashamed. I don't know what is wrong with me that I choose these types of men and worse, why I can't stick to my guns and leave him. I'm tired of him playing games with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 11:16pm

First, hon, I want to say this is not your fault, not your shame.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 10-23-2005 - 12:12am

If it helps, I didnt leave 5-7 times ... i waited until i KNEW i was DONE ... & had him removed. & i didnt, not will i EVER take him back.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
Sun, 10-23-2005 - 12:03pm

Darling, I know the feeling. By the time I left my ex abuser, I was completely worn to the point that if someone didn't help me escape, I never would have.

You need help. There's nothing wrong with that. Do your friends know that you are being abused? You really should let them know and have certain phrases that mean "I'm in trouble, please come over here," and so on.

You will be ready and you will leave. It will be alright. At first everything is so confusing and I felt like I had been brainwashed, but I assure you that everything will get better and soon it will be ok.

Give yourself some love, some recognition for what you are going through, and a pat on the back for realizing it. Now, slowly start to act and get away. This board helped me immensely. These women know how to do it, and many like me, have done it. It can be done.

I recommend going to http://www.drjoecarver.com/articles_loser.html
Read this and you will be amazed and dumbfounded. It was like he was peering into my house!

Also, he gives a lot of practical and useful tips on how to get away and what to do. very very helpful!

good luck darling!
We're here for you!

thegirlwholived