Just recognizing...
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Just recognizing...
| Tue, 08-10-2004 - 1:57am |
I am new to this board and had a few questions. I am getting seperated from my husband of many years and I am just coming to terms with the fact that I was emotionally controlled and abused for years. I guess I knew this for a long time but had a very hard time understanding that it was really real and that it had affected my life severely. Since I announced that I wanted a divorce, the "abuse" if you will, escalated. He is now very, very angry and in my opinion has crossed to mental abuse and intimidation and blames me for ruining his life and says things like, "I can say whatever I want, you're my wife!" He never talks nice anymore and he is still living with me until we can sell our home and afford to live apart. I used to love this man and I don't wish him any ill will but he has quite honestly done some things that are a little scary to me and in my opinion, not normal. He has even made my friends and family uneasy at times and when they confront him about it he denies that he is acting any differently and that I am the one who has flipped out. He has blamed my friends for influencing me and accused me of several things and tried to paint a bad picture of me. I never meant to hurt him but I have to fix my self and my self esteem from years of emotional abuse. I am just wondering if it is normal to have the feelings of guilt that I do?? I know that he doesn't think anything is wrong with him or that anything he has said or done is wierd...do they not recognize what they do?? How do they not know that their weird and obssesive behavior is not normal?? I have had a few friends and family tell me to document and to get the athorities reported to...even though he hasn't really physically abused before. I am however, a little scared that he could snap?? I have children with this man and have tried to tell him that he needs help. He in turn, calls my friends and family and tells them that I have flipped and blames my friends for influencing me. He even accuses me of playing around and goes through my personal things to substanciate that.
I am just wondering if all this is normal or if I am really over exaggerating as he thinks that I am??
Need opinions please...I am confused and quite obviously a little scared by him.
Thanks,
katlc

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You are NOT over exagerating this. He is abusive. You may be his wife, but that does not give a person the right to hurt you, physically or emotionally. I understand that not wanting to hurt him and he is doing things to get you to feel guilty - manipulating you. He has you so conditioned that your first thoughts are about him. Now that you have taken a stand and are putting you first, he has to turn up his controlling and manipulating.
No, abusers do not see or realize what they are doing. They live in a different reality. He is pointing blame on everyone around him and not taking any responsibility for himself and then, when he realizes that isn't working to "keep" you where he wants you, he will try something else. Be careful.
There are a lot of good articles on this boards home page. Also, read through the posts. It helps a lot to go back through the posts because many others have talked about similar issues. By reading what someone else has written and questioned, you will begin to see that he is attempting to control and manipulate you by creating feelings of guilt within you. We needn't feel guilty for having our own feelings and opinons, yet they don't understand that.
Keep posting, you'll find lots of support and validation here!
Ples
Thanks for your advice and support!!
katlc
Hi Kat, welcome -
First, I have to ask if your counselor has any abuse training.
CL-Blueliner4
As blue suggested, make sure your conselor is trained in domestic violence. It is SO hard to understand even by those of us living it, that others really don't understand.
Don't worry yourself about the future and relationships and marriage. You need to heal yourself so that you don't fall into the clutches of another abuser. Take some time for you and your kids - it really will be good for them to see that you are ok by yourself. Right now, do what is best for you, one day at a time. When you are ready, the future will unfold before you.
come and "talk" anytime about anything, support is what this board is best at!
Thanks again,
katlc
I know I shouldn't worry about he future but I used to look at people who were jaded and feel sorry for them and try to figure out how to show them how to love and now I understand them. I'm terrified of becoming what always made me so sad in people.
Thanks again,
katlc
It is hard, and that officer was GREAT!
CL-Blueliner4
I just think that it was harder because up until recently it was abusive but not half as bad as the stories I've heard. Now I know I know since it's escalated that it's all too real and I have enough people supporting me that I know I'm right. I just hope my brother will come around. He loves me, I just can't ask him to understand or support. It's harder to understand when it's emotional, at least until recently.
THANK YOU!
katlc
Welcome to the board. Your post really hit home for me. I was in an abusive marriage for 27 years and didn't realize it until it was almost too late. I will tell you now, there will always be people out there that won't understand. Don't waste your time trying to convince them. That includes your brother too.
You will be going through alot of tough times in the upcoming months, but hang tight, it is worth it. He will get uglier as you make the break for freedom. Wendell was the king of manipulation and has done so much damage to the family that it is ridiculous. The month we lived together after the divorce decision was a total nightmare and I really feel for you. You didn't say how old your kids are, but be prepared for some friction there as time goes on. Remember, they have also been conditioned by this guy and haven't seen what you have discovered.
Most importantly, take care of yourself, keep reading and learning, keep going to the counselor and remember YOU are worth everything. The guilt thing is totally natural because that is mainly what they used on you as you tried to do everything you could to make them happy. Your concern about what others are thinking is because all you did for years was spend time ensuring everyone else was comfortable and happy. Guess what girl...your turn!
Hugs,
Terry
I don't know if that made sense - I went (and on occasion still do) feeling so sorry for myself - ya know - oh poor me, look how put out I am because I have to bend to HIS every whim and need, well, I'm still on the path, I still bend to him, but I don't say oh poor me - I say - what ARE you doing - is this what I want to do/be or feel? It is taking back me.
I am still with my dh, been married for over 24 years and have 3 kids. I'm not regretful of this time, but I'm finding I need to move on. I'm doing it at my pace as I can handle it. I've gotten past the self-abuse of feeling lousey because of my situation and my past and not thinking I had a future. I don't beat myself up over that because that was HIM winning, hence me being jaded. I don't want to be that. I want to be that confident woman, strolling on the beach, content with herself.
Take care - and keep learning!! Take time for you, learn about you and you won't be jaded!!!
Pam
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