Just recognizing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Just recognizing...
14
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 1:57am
I am new to this board and had a few questions. I am getting seperated from my husband of many years and I am just coming to terms with the fact that I was emotionally controlled and abused for years. I guess I knew this for a long time but had a very hard time understanding that it was really real and that it had affected my life severely. Since I announced that I wanted a divorce, the "abuse" if you will, escalated. He is now very, very angry and in my opinion has crossed to mental abuse and intimidation and blames me for ruining his life and says things like, "I can say whatever I want, you're my wife!" He never talks nice anymore and he is still living with me until we can sell our home and afford to live apart. I used to love this man and I don't wish him any ill will but he has quite honestly done some things that are a little scary to me and in my opinion, not normal. He has even made my friends and family uneasy at times and when they confront him about it he denies that he is acting any differently and that I am the one who has flipped out. He has blamed my friends for influencing me and accused me of several things and tried to paint a bad picture of me. I never meant to hurt him but I have to fix my self and my self esteem from years of emotional abuse. I am just wondering if it is normal to have the feelings of guilt that I do?? I know that he doesn't think anything is wrong with him or that anything he has said or done is wierd...do they not recognize what they do?? How do they not know that their weird and obssesive behavior is not normal?? I have had a few friends and family tell me to document and to get the athorities reported to...even though he hasn't really physically abused before. I am however, a little scared that he could snap?? I have children with this man and have tried to tell him that he needs help. He in turn, calls my friends and family and tells them that I have flipped and blames my friends for influencing me. He even accuses me of playing around and goes through my personal things to substanciate that.

I am just wondering if all this is normal or if I am really over exaggerating as he thinks that I am??

Need opinions please...I am confused and quite obviously a little scared by him.

Thanks,

katlc

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Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: katlc
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 7:15am
Katic,

You are NOT over exagerating this. He is abusive. You may be his wife, but that does not give a person the right to hurt you, physically or emotionally. I understand that not wanting to hurt him and he is doing things to get you to feel guilty - manipulating you. He has you so conditioned that your first thoughts are about him. Now that you have taken a stand and are putting you first, he has to turn up his controlling and manipulating.

No, abusers do not see or realize what they are doing. They live in a different reality. He is pointing blame on everyone around him and not taking any responsibility for himself and then, when he realizes that isn't working to "keep" you where he wants you, he will try something else. Be careful.

There are a lot of good articles on this boards home page. Also, read through the posts. It helps a lot to go back through the posts because many others have talked about similar issues. By reading what someone else has written and questioned, you will begin to see that he is attempting to control and manipulate you by creating feelings of guilt within you. We needn't feel guilty for having our own feelings and opinons, yet they don't understand that.

Keep posting, you'll find lots of support and validation here!

Ples

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
In reply to: katlc
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 12:19pm
Thank you so much for the validation that I am not making this up and that my feelings and fears are real!! I will read through the posts and I am going to a counceler already and have recently told him about my thoughts and fears in our last session. I hope that I will be able to work through this and trust someone again. I have two beautiful children and I want to fix all this for me and for them. I don't want my son ever to do this so I am making a stand and I just hope it helps us all. As far as relationships?? Right now I don't ever want to get married again but I also can't stay single and I can't see being alone forever. I will be very hard to find my place and if I will ever be able to find anyone again when this man is all I ever knew, litteraly.

Thanks for your advice and support!!

katlc

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: katlc
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 1:53pm

Hi Kat, welcome -


First, I have to ask if your counselor has any abuse training.

CL-Blueliner4

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: katlc
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 8:55pm
Katlc

As blue suggested, make sure your conselor is trained in domestic violence. It is SO hard to understand even by those of us living it, that others really don't understand.

Don't worry yourself about the future and relationships and marriage. You need to heal yourself so that you don't fall into the clutches of another abuser. Take some time for you and your kids - it really will be good for them to see that you are ok by yourself. Right now, do what is best for you, one day at a time. When you are ready, the future will unfold before you.

come and "talk" anytime about anything, support is what this board is best at!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
In reply to: katlc
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 1:14am
Wow! I guess that the magnitude of this is still hitting me. I will talk to my counceler on Thursday and contact the local hotline or something. I visited a police station today just to get an idea of what to do and where to start. He did put something in the computer and tried to tell me that I have done nothing wrong and that he has no right to do the things he has done. He took a note and put it in the computer so that if I were to call that there is something on record that I have contacted them before. I was so very scared and some of my family is not believing that this is possible and that I have exaggerated. Some things that he has done, including telling me that I am his wife and he has every right to talk to me that way and scaring me by laying on me and trying to hug me when I asked him to stop and not getting off me. The officer said that it was not legal what he did and I guess I didn't realize that. I will take all your advice and check out what I can. I am still very sad and having a hard time getting a grip that this is real and that I am not over reacting as he thinks I am. I keep second guessing myself.

Thanks again,

katlc

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
In reply to: katlc
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 1:20am
Once again, THANK YOU!!! Like I said, this is really hard to get a grip that this is what is really happening. But people are finally waking me up and I think I finally realize that I'm not crazy and that this is real and it's happened to me. I just hope that there is some possible way to get the "best" case senerio from this and maybe someday he will be forced by this to take a hard look and get himself help as I have. It's hard to figure out where the help is and making sure it's the right kind. Thanks for the insight and advise.

I know I shouldn't worry about he future but I used to look at people who were jaded and feel sorry for them and try to figure out how to show them how to love and now I understand them. I'm terrified of becoming what always made me so sad in people.

Thanks again,

katlc

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: katlc
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 1:33am

It is hard, and that officer was GREAT!

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
In reply to: katlc
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 1:56am
I can't thank you enough as well as the people who are helping me!! I am doing what I can to safeguard the kids and myself. He is not aware of what I suspect of him, just the officer a few friends and family and my counceler. I am spending my sleepless nights reading up on the subject and the posts. This is just so surreal. I was the old fashioned girl next door who lead a "leave it to Beaver" life growing up. I tried for too many years making something right that couldn't ever be right. Now I know, now I am stronger just because I realized it.

I just think that it was harder because up until recently it was abusive but not half as bad as the stories I've heard. Now I know I know since it's escalated that it's all too real and I have enough people supporting me that I know I'm right. I just hope my brother will come around. He loves me, I just can't ask him to understand or support. It's harder to understand when it's emotional, at least until recently.

THANK YOU!

katlc

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
In reply to: katlc
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 6:46am
Hi Kat,

Welcome to the board. Your post really hit home for me. I was in an abusive marriage for 27 years and didn't realize it until it was almost too late. I will tell you now, there will always be people out there that won't understand. Don't waste your time trying to convince them. That includes your brother too.

You will be going through alot of tough times in the upcoming months, but hang tight, it is worth it. He will get uglier as you make the break for freedom. Wendell was the king of manipulation and has done so much damage to the family that it is ridiculous. The month we lived together after the divorce decision was a total nightmare and I really feel for you. You didn't say how old your kids are, but be prepared for some friction there as time goes on. Remember, they have also been conditioned by this guy and haven't seen what you have discovered.

Most importantly, take care of yourself, keep reading and learning, keep going to the counselor and remember YOU are worth everything. The guilt thing is totally natural because that is mainly what they used on you as you tried to do everything you could to make them happy. Your concern about what others are thinking is because all you did for years was spend time ensuring everyone else was comfortable and happy. Guess what girl...your turn!

Hugs,

Terry

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: katlc
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 7:11am
You don't have to be "jaded" because of this. If you feel that way - then HE is still having some control of you. Be strong in yourself - and the rest will follow naturally. Be proud of yourself, be confident of yourself, BE yourself and don't "feel" jaded. No, you don't want others to feel sorry for you - that is what YOU have done for HIM so you DO understand that. You, WE, can't show ANYONE how to love - it is something everyone must learn by themselves or they haven't learned it. Love comes from within ourselves. As long as we love ourselves, then we are not jaded.

I don't know if that made sense - I went (and on occasion still do) feeling so sorry for myself - ya know - oh poor me, look how put out I am because I have to bend to HIS every whim and need, well, I'm still on the path, I still bend to him, but I don't say oh poor me - I say - what ARE you doing - is this what I want to do/be or feel? It is taking back me.

I am still with my dh, been married for over 24 years and have 3 kids. I'm not regretful of this time, but I'm finding I need to move on. I'm doing it at my pace as I can handle it. I've gotten past the self-abuse of feeling lousey because of my situation and my past and not thinking I had a future. I don't beat myself up over that because that was HIM winning, hence me being jaded. I don't want to be that. I want to be that confident woman, strolling on the beach, content with herself.

Take care - and keep learning!! Take time for you, learn about you and you won't be jaded!!!

Pam

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