Just recognizing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Just recognizing...
14
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 1:57am
I am new to this board and had a few questions. I am getting seperated from my husband of many years and I am just coming to terms with the fact that I was emotionally controlled and abused for years. I guess I knew this for a long time but had a very hard time understanding that it was really real and that it had affected my life severely. Since I announced that I wanted a divorce, the "abuse" if you will, escalated. He is now very, very angry and in my opinion has crossed to mental abuse and intimidation and blames me for ruining his life and says things like, "I can say whatever I want, you're my wife!" He never talks nice anymore and he is still living with me until we can sell our home and afford to live apart. I used to love this man and I don't wish him any ill will but he has quite honestly done some things that are a little scary to me and in my opinion, not normal. He has even made my friends and family uneasy at times and when they confront him about it he denies that he is acting any differently and that I am the one who has flipped out. He has blamed my friends for influencing me and accused me of several things and tried to paint a bad picture of me. I never meant to hurt him but I have to fix my self and my self esteem from years of emotional abuse. I am just wondering if it is normal to have the feelings of guilt that I do?? I know that he doesn't think anything is wrong with him or that anything he has said or done is wierd...do they not recognize what they do?? How do they not know that their weird and obssesive behavior is not normal?? I have had a few friends and family tell me to document and to get the athorities reported to...even though he hasn't really physically abused before. I am however, a little scared that he could snap?? I have children with this man and have tried to tell him that he needs help. He in turn, calls my friends and family and tells them that I have flipped and blames my friends for influencing me. He even accuses me of playing around and goes through my personal things to substanciate that.

I am just wondering if all this is normal or if I am really over exaggerating as he thinks that I am??

Need opinions please...I am confused and quite obviously a little scared by him.

Thanks,

katlc

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
In reply to: katlc
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 12:03pm
Thanks!!!

I can't tell you how much it means to have some people out there who actually understand my feelings and validate that they are ok!! I can't imagine what it is like for those women who are very severely abused. Not to minimize what I have been through but it was not as bad as what you hear about. It is really, very encouraging to talk to all of you because it validates that I will be ok again and that I can be happy and deserve to be. So, we can recover from this and I hope that it is possible to find someone someday that will appreciate my giving nature and spoil me too, emotionally.

I will keep learning and try to help my children as well. I am talking to the councelor tommorrow about my kids seeing someone and even having them evaluated, just in case this has already affected them more than I realize and I am sure that it has. My son is 8 and my daughter is 4. My son is extremely sensative and already has low self esteem so I have to find the tools to mold him NOT to continue a cycle, it breaks with him!! I am not as worried about my daughter, she is still so young but I know that I will have to help her as well because she is so much like me and I don't ever want her in this situation.

It's my turn? It's funny that you said that...I have been saying that for months now!!! :o)

If I may ask...how long have you been free from him?? It's so hard for me to believe that is will get worse but I am now listening to others when I was not before...I was minimizing what others were saying, now I'm not.

I don't know all of you but I am very proud of you!

THANK YOU!!!!

katlc

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
In reply to: katlc
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 12:12pm
You are absolutely right!!! I know all this deep down, it's hard to come to terms though. I'm learning. What you said makes a lot of sense. I know that I will be ok and I will regain my self esteem. I have always believed I was a good person, just down and not able to regain self esteeem or confidence in myself. I was always too busy trying to "make" something of myself in this world and getting beat down for it. It took so long for me to realize that I was aiding that and that I had control over my life, not life's control over me or any person who thought they had a right to.

Good luck to you too and I will take time and a lot of soul searching to gain confidence again and realize that I can do anything I put my mind to.

katlc

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
In reply to: katlc
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 2:25pm
Katlc,

Well on the 20th of August I will have been free from him for 9 months! I still can't believe it. One thing I have been lucky about that he is absolutely afraid to talk to me. Oh he says plenty of nasty things about me behind my back and occasionally when I hear about them I get a setback. He knows what he has done to me should never be done to another human being. Ironically, he was married before and treated his ex like she was nuts. Why did I think this would be any different.

When the divorce first started, I tried to be nice and fair, but there is not a fair bone in his nasty body. Never in my life did I imagine that he was that cruel. It's called entitlement. He truly feels he deserves EVERYTHING. His game plan was to totally destroy me and my credibility. Everything gets worse because of the destruction he has wrought to your inner self. He won't leave quietly and that loving, giving person that you have always been suddenly has to learn to take a little too. Initially it's for self preservation, then slowly you start realizing you truly deserve it!

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
In reply to: katlc
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 2:30am
I am starting to see small signs of that starting to happen. I am seeing it and as far as I am concerned, I took a stand by splitting up and that stand it to take a little and also to not be coward by him anymore. It is a fine line though, I also don't want to push him into a more abusive frenzy and make it all worse for all involved. The good thing is that one of my best friends works with the FBI and has talked to "him" about her suspicion of abusive behavior. I think that scared him straight a little, so now he's running a little scared and has coward in the corner a little.

I am sorry to hear that it was so hard for you!

Good luck

katlc

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