Just so confused...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Just so confused...
1
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 7:53pm
I am so confused by my life. I posted right before the boards switched, and wound up lost in the archives. I will try to recap, I am not computer savvy enough to repost the original message. Basically, I am disgusted, the more I read, because it is SO obvious that my husband fits the control and abuse profile, even with his sugar sweet exterior, and his good intentions. I must have overlooked many things, now it is too late. We really want to have another child, we have always wanted 2 or 3 kids. We have one, who is seriously ill. This naturally puts even more strain on our marriage, because we both are so worried all the time. I am not getting any younger, and I am actually debating with myself if I should get pregnant again. I am not even intimate with my husband, because I find him repulsive most of the time, with his "cute" little putdowns, my walking on eggshells, etc. Not exactly my Romeo! I know having a new baby would, of course, further stress things, I just want to do what is best for our child, and I have always believed a sibling would be beneficial. My husband is taking meds, and is now in therapy. I hope it will help him, but I do not know if I could ever be happy in this marriage, no matter what he learns to change about himself. I feel guilty though, because I want to be married, I want to be madly in love, etc.....and my feelings are just not there anymore. My child, of course, adores Daddy, and I would always want their relationship to be strong. Like I said, the illness is very frightening, very uncertain prognosis, it pains me to say. I do not want to do anything to further hurt any of us. This sounds terrible, but I can totally see how people could have affairs! I am very hesitant to leave my situation. I am not, probably would not, hey, I don't even have the time, and I can't imagine anyone would be interested LOL!! ....but I so long to be understood, to want to be close to a man again, to feel protected, and in love. I know that people say when one door closes, another opens, but I really have a hard time seeing anything out there for me but an abyss, if I close the door on this marriage. I know that is probably a result of "conditioning", but my H is older, supports us, etc. I truly have been very grateful to him for handling many difficult situations better than I could have, without having to hire someone! I am just feeling very tired and worn out today. Thank you for being here, to listen.
Avatar for zippity_dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 8:18pm
I understand so much your feeling of wanting that special bond with a soulmate. When we do remember those things that they have done in the past that are wonderful (and I think the majority of them DO have certain endearing qualities that made us initially fall in love with them) it makes it especially confusing about leaving them..a feeling of guilt for thinking of leaving them combined with this hope that they will in fact change and become the Prince Charming we thought we married. At least you still hope for that in a relationship. I find that in the past few years I fantasize about living alone on a deserted island and think my peace and happiness would come from a life living solo. It's so ironic that my H is always looking for me to have an affair with someone. The last thing I ever want is another man's laundry to take care of..hair in the shower drain..toilet seat up...no use of the remote control...shall I continue? *grin* Please know that whatever you decide there are those of us that will understand your feelings. Hugs to you! ~Dee~